"This Team Is Horseshit!" Sounds Like An Accurate Description To Me

Some actual Cubs news to talk about this Monday and of course it isn't of the good variety. If you've given up on the Cubs completely (like I have) you probably missed Zambrano going off on his team after giving up four runs in the first inning to the South Siders on Friday. But thanks to the internet and sports television, you've probably seen the tirade by now. The aftermath has of course been exasperated by the team suspending El Toro Loco (that means the crazy bull) and Z going out to dinner with White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen the night following the incident.

Zambranogate (ht: Bleacher Nation) is far from over and with so much of Carlos' contract left it will be difficult to trade him anytime soon. But the most interesting part I, and it seems many of you, think about the story is that maybe Zambrano is just tired of this Cubs team. As I have discussed before, this is probably the worst Cubs team I have seen, and I'm not a youngster at over 30 years young. Let's look at a couple comments that I think might perfectly explain Z's outrage on Friday.

“It becomes a bit of a tired act,” - Jim Hendry

Old Jim only needs to look in the mirror before uttering this statement. Is Zambrano the only to blame for this crappy team? Sure Zambrano claimed at the beginning of the season that his crazy ways were in the past, but when everyone on the team seems to care less about how bad things are going it can only push a guy like Zambrano too far. This year Lou moved Z into the bullpen in order to give them a little leadership to the youngster that were failing early on. That plan obviously backfired, but Z took it in stride, saying he would do whatever he could for this team in order for them to win. While Carlos' antics are becoming a little bit of a broken record, the same could easily be said for Hendry's offseason perpetuity for horrible signings. He's gotten lucky a couple times: Lee, Ramirez, Byrd, but his track record is less than stellar. If someone on this team needs an indefinite suspension, let's look towards the front office and the horrible signings of late.

"This team is horseshit!" - Carlos Zambrano

So we're meant to criticize a player for expressing what we all are thinking? Honestly, I'm happy at least one player on the team isn't playing stupid in the clubhouse. Was the blowup the correct way of handling the situation? Probably not, but what else is going to get this team going? After the game, Lou got together with the team to ask them what they think he can do to turn help manage the team. Isn't that your fucking job, Lou? I've said time and time again that I believe Lou is a great manager, but now it seems that he just doesn't give a fuck anymore. If my boss came to me and asked what I thought would help get more sales (I'm a graphic designer, mind you, not a salesman) I would start looking for a new job. What the fuck do these players know about managing?

“This has been a deadass team for three months." - Bob Brenly

If this was Steve Stone talking about the Cubs I might be a little outraged, but this is a man who is forced to watch the Cubs on a daily basis. This is also a guy that has managed a World Series team, so he might know a little bit about managing a team. Remember when Lou first started he was also known as a guy with a short temper. Where is that guy? He was supposed to be the one that would take the pressure off the players. Now he just sits back, seemingly trying different strategies except for ones that would seem obvious even to your company softball team.

This team has been deadass and has been horseshit. Taking it out on Z for freaking out might be what the Cubs need, but it isn't going to change anything. Sure, Zambrano is nowhere near the pitcher he was when he signed his huge contract, but at least he still cares. I don't care and you don't care, but we aren't getting paid to care. The players are. Lou is. And Hendry is paid to make sure this team has what it needs to win. I've finally accepted that this team needs a full scale overhaul, from it's players to management to the front office. Look what McDonough has done with the Blackhawks in just a couple of years and follow that lead. Look, I love Zambrano and I love Lee, but both need to go. Even though both are the veterans of this team, this year has shown that the old leadership (along with some very bad moves, cough, Fukudome, cough, Soriano) isn't cutting it anymore. Become a young team again, get some good coaching on the minor league level and teach fundamentals.

Finally, this article suggests that Lee might have had it coming. In it Brenly discusses the game last Tuesday in which the Cubs made four errors, two by Lee alone. It's just a small example of why this team is so hard to watch.

“Ever since I’ve been here in Chicago, even going back to the Dusty Baker days, these teams -- and you hate to lump them all together because obviously there’s different personnel every year -- but the same problems keep coming up, poor baserunning, poor defense,” Brenly said Wednesday on “The Waddle & Silvy Show” on ESPN 1000. “The lack of timely hitting affects every team in the major leagues at one point or another, but it’s the lack of solid fundamentals on a daily basis that really gets to me, and I think gets to a lot of fans.

“It’s not playing the game the way it needs to be played to give yourself a chance to win.”
So when does football start again?

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Summer, Summer, Summertime!


Since I'm done posting about the Cubs (They won last night in overtime? Really?) I thought I would entertain you today by telling you a little about my weekend. Tonight, Lazy and I (with gf's in tow) will be heading up north to the beautiful city of Flagstaff, Arizona. What's in Flagstaff? Well besides almost perfect weather (a 25 degrees cooler than the Valley, which today will hit 110 degrees) there is a little Festival going on. And that festival my friend is a beer festival, the Made in the Shade Beer Festival to be exact. Over 50 breweries will be showcasing their best, tastiest and often rare selections for tasty drinkers who love to get their drink on at over 7,000 feet above sea level. The greatest part of Made in the Shade is that the beerfest is at the fairgrounds, which also has a campground within walking distance. So camping tonight, beerfest tomorrow followed by more camping and then a hungover drive back to Phoenix on Sunday.

But enough about my life, let's get to the real task at hand: beer. Today I would like to showcase a couple beers that are my favorite summer beers. And away we go:

Bell's Oberon
This refreshing American Wheat Ale with a slight fruity tang doesn't overpower the citrus like some other beers (cough, Blue Moon, cough). A perfect session beer at 5.8%, a couple of these will have you chillaxing. Until recently Bell's did not distribute in Arizona, which sucked because Oberon was always one of my favorite's. Now if we can only get Goose Island and New Glarus to follow suit, we'll be in business. Speaking of which...

New Glarus Totally Naked
Since New Glarus stopped distributing outside of Wisconsin, I think it is one of the most sought after breweries in the Midwest. Most people will go for the Spotted Cow, which is also my favorite, but the Totally Naked is brewed just as the name says: nothing but the purest of ingredients with Noble hops from Germany and the Czech Republic and two-row barley malt. When the heat (and humidity in the midwest) rises, nothing is more refreshing than a crisp, clean beer like Totally Naked to quench your thirst.

Sierra Nevada Summerfest
To be honest, I don't particularly enjoy summer seasonal beers. I'm a hop man myself, big into IPA's. Summer beers usually include wheat ales which is at the bottom of my list as beer selections go. With a more hoppy flavor than most summer seasonal beers, it's still refreshing on a summer day but has the "bite" that I enjoy in the ales that I usually drink. Sierra Nevada rarely puts out a bad beer, and this selection attests to their drive to brewing excellent beer year round.

Kona Brewing Company Longboard Island Ale
Again, I don't particularly enjoy fruity and spicy beers when I'm trying to cool down in the hot AZ sun. Rather, I enjoy a crisp, clean beer that will refresh my palate without leaving a bunch of flavors in my mouth. Does this go against what a craft beer should be? Maybe, but I'm not talking about watered down Miller Lite here, I'm talking about a simple beer made right. Longboard is smooth but you can still taste the malt and hops that other mass produced beers lack.

Miller Chill
FINALLY! they took the unique taste of light beer and lime and made it with only 100 calories. Perfect for keeping my girlish figure all while staying refreshed and not feeling like I have a stomach full of bricks after drinking a sixer. This is by far my go-to beer whether at the beach with the ladies or playing football with the guys. It's like a... I can't keep this charade up. If you enjoy this beer, please refrain from ever reading this blog again. Thanks.

Well, there are a couple of my favorite's for the summer. What are you guys poring?

Go USA!

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GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!


As I mentioned before, I've got the World Cup Fever. This morning I woke up wondering about why, like most Americans, I think that soccer is a gay sport. Until the 91st minute of today's match against Algeria I was almost back on that train until

GOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!

So until the U.S. is eliminated I can put away my frustrations, but here are a couple of reasons why I will probably go back to hating soccer when it's all over.

Like a deck of cards.

Flopping.
I understand it's part of the game and at times the game can in fact get a little rough, not hockey rough mind you, but maybe a little blood spilled once in a while. But most the time the injuries are so fake I'm often wondering if these guys took their acting lessons from the WWE. No, even they are better actors than most these guys. It's not just the flopping. It's the magic spray that makes the guy jump up and be healthy instantly. And god forbid the guy is actually injured, a bunch of men with a stretcher come running out in a scene that looks like it came directly out of a Looney Tunes cartoon. Didn't you ever hear of a golf cart?

Click here for more hilarious Vuvuzela photos.

Vuvuzelas.
The only thing I like about the stupid plastic horn that has provided the soundtrack of the Beautiful Game is BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. Sorry about that, what I meant BZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. Goddamn it! It's a stupid horn made by a plastics company. It has nothing to do with your ancestry. Everyone hates them. But they do make for a good internet meme.

BURN. IN. HELL.

Shoddy refs.
You would think that FIFA would try to get more American's interested in soccer by NOT pissing off the few of us that are watching for the first time. Soccer refs are just as bad, if not worse than NBA refs. They still haven't said what the mystery call was from Game 2 and the horrible calls continued on to take another goal away today. This is from the fifa.com website:

Football is a global sport and its rules must be interpreted and applied with absolute consistency wherever the game is played.
What a bunch of horseshit! The refs aren't even full time, they are part time. Why not get someone who does this for a living? What is this, baseball? This is the same reason people hate baseball for stubbornly holding on to stupid traditions. Get with the instant replay. If a player scores and is deemed offsides, review it. You only have like one or two goals a game anyway. How much longer would it take to review each one? Hockey has it right, there is often too much going on on the field for the three refs to pay attention to. Give them an eye in the sky.

FIFA ref in training.

I have to learn stuff.
I hate learning. What am I in high school again? It's not a field, it's a pitch. It's not a jersey, it's a kit. It's not zero, it's nil. It's like this sport is purposely setup so whenever the English announcer is speaking I have no idea what he's saying. I can understand the Univision feed better. Speaking of which, thank God I have an ISP that ESPN selfishly went out and agreed to carry. I'm the only person I know that can watch the games on ESPN3. Stop advertising the shit out of ESPN3 if no one can watch it!

This jersey is as hard to get as a McDonald's Beanie Baby®.

Bandwagoners.
Am I jumping on the bandwagon? Sure, in a sense, but after today's win half the guys that used to write for Thunder Matt's Saloon who I speak to on email daily went out and tried to buy USA Soccer kits (that's jerseys, remember?). Apparently Nike totally underestimated the demand as they are sold out everywhere. That just tells me that everyone is on this bandwagon. Sure it's great for soccer in the US, but just like everyone that thought the US in the final game in the Olympics would propel hockey viewership, it did little, as this recent trend of soccer will also prove.

All this being said, it seems that I would hate the World Cup, but the opposite is actually true. I've enjoyed it much more than I could have ever imagined. I find myself fully awake at 7:00 in the morning, yelling at the refs, running around and screaming like a kid when the US scores and actually getting involved in soccer conversations. I haven't enjoy the Beautiful Game this much since I was a kid going to watch the NIU soccer team back during the Roy family dynasty. Hell, I've even watched much of the other matches not involving the U.S.

So the Cubs play today on a channel that I actually get during a time that I can actually watch. Will I be watching? Probably. But honestly I wish there was more futbol on.

For more and accurate soccer coverage, I suggest you head on over to Unprofessional Foul. They do it right.



Go USA!

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Kinda a Cubs Post: NO EXCUSES!


We've been getting a couple comments lately from some guy (or gal) named "anonymous" who has been complaining about the lack of posting going on. I would like to formally apologize. Actually, no, fuck that. "Watching" this team this year has been atrocious. And I'm not putting "watching" in "air quotes" because "that's what the kids are doing". I seriously have probably only seen about 18 innings of Cubs baseball this year and about 8 those were the Ted Lily almost no-no. (I did catch 4 innings on Sunday before deciding if the Cubs lost a 7 run lead I would go on a murderous rampage.) I just don't care. And you don't either. It's even gotten to the point that I don't even know when the Cubs are playing, especially if it's a day game. I usually head over to Cubs.com around 4pm AZ time to see what time they start that day and sometimes I see a final score instead. And 9 times out of 10 it's of the losing variety and I thank God that I was busy listening to the new MGMT album instead.

I actually don't own the new MGMT album, but I hear that's what all the hipsters are listening to.

Really, if this was a season that was even remotely tolerable, we could at least joke about it. But we can't. It's THAT bad. Think about it, this team has actually IMPROVED since last year and still fans are calling it the worst Cubs team of their lives. "Fuck you, Ginger, this team sucks!", you say? Well, allow me to retort.


1. Silva for Bradley.
Although he is finally playing down to his potential, Silva has 8 wins this season. He is the only Cubs starter with a winning record, and besides BearPigFace (Marshall), the only Cubs pitcher WITH a winning record. If at the beginning of the season you said Silva would be the best Cubs starter AND have 8 wins FOR THE ENTIRE SEASON, I would have asked you for a hit off of whatever pipe you were smoking (unless it was crack, I'm not a degenerate you know...fuck, now I just insulted all our crack-smoking readers).

Meanwhile Bradley had a mental breakdown in Seattle and is hitting .230 with 6 home runs and 25 RBI's. If he were on the Cubs, he would have the lowest BA of all the starters and most the bench. Yes, even Derrek Lee.

2. The Byrd is the Word.
Guess which 2 Cubs have the best chance of representing the Cubs at the All Star Game this year? Yep, neither of them were on this team last year, which by addition and one through a MAJOR subtraction, should be making this team better. If it wasn't for Byrd, this team would be the Diamondbacks. And that's just bad, I know, I live in Phoenix. The Cubs went into the offseason needing a center fielder and we found it. We all know Hendry is a complete idiot, but as the saying goes, even a blind squirrel shits in the woods. Wait, that's not right. Something about the squirrel's balls. I don't know.



3. Animal Farm.
Why that title? I don't know, but the Cubs farm system is actually producing some talent in Colvin and Castro. And you know the Cubs are good at bringing along talented players through the system, I mean with all the Pie's and Patterson's and everything.

4. Ramirez Is Healthy.
What? He went on the DL. Shows how much I follow this team. Next thing you are going to tell me is that we resigned Brown Spot Bob Howry. Yeah, like THAT would ever happen!

5. Marmol Is Who We Thought They Were.
Fucker is on a MLB record breaking streak of strikeouts/inning ratio at close to 2 strike outs per inning. He has completed 13 of 16 save opportunities, but in how many of those did he inherit runners? I would look it up, but if I don't stop talking about this team I'm going to throw up thinking of so many reasons why this team should be atop the NL Central and not in the basement.

6. We Got Ricketts.
Having new owners was supposed to be a good thing. Right? Buehler? Buehler?

/heads to bathroom to pray to the porcelain God

So even though this team sucks, it has it's bright spots, even if that doesn't mean shit from shinola. So what have I been doing while ignoring my Cubbies? If you answered drinking heavily while watching the grass grow, you might be right. And let me tell, watching the grass grow in the desert is EXTREMELY boring. It's like we don't even have any unless you plant it twice a year and water it 4 times a day.

Seriously though, I have been adding to my distractions to keep my mind off the Cubs and preventing myself from writing anymore of these crappy posts that you must hate yourself so much that you actually read. Let's take a look at some of the things I have enjoyed in place of the Cubs this season.

Best beer glass EVAH!

1. The Blackhawks.
Did you know the NHL playoffs go until basically summer? Neither did I until this season, when just like you I jumped on that bandwagon to the promised land. I actually watched every Hawks playoff game and it was great. I liked hockey before, but now I LOVE it. I even got the girlfried in on the action, cursing along with me as the Hawks shot, passed, stopped and out-played their opponents on the way to the Lord Stanley Cup.

I am determined to make a vegetarian version of the KFC Double Down.

2. Food Blogs.
I'm an avid blog reader and in the past I have written about Cubs blogs I like while taking shots at others. My Google Reader has feeds from every Cubs blog I can find. Yes, even Bleed Cubbie Blue, although since I never read that garbage, I don't know why. But since I would rather punch myself in the nuts or light my ass on fire than watch the Cubs, why would I want to read about them? I currently have 900 unread Cubs blog posts that I will immediately trash after I get done writing this post.

So I have started reading food blogs instead. I love food and cooking and I love blogs, I don't know why I didn't do this sooner. A couple of note that I enjoy include Chow Bella (a Phoenix based blog), Epic Portions, GrubGrade, MAN B QUE, Serious Eats and So Good. If you're a foodie like me I suggest you check them out. I also frequent Mental Floss daily for strange and unique information and fun quizzes and Urlesque to keep me up on the current internet memes. I heart memes as well.

Sad Keanu is sad.

3. World Cup Fever.
Yep, I've got it and I hope there's no cure. Seriously, if you would have asked me a month ago to get up at 6:30 in the morning (I usually wake up at 8:30) to watch SOCCER I would have punched you in the ovaries. But now I'm watching almost every game thanks to ESPN3 and early morning programming. It's great! Sure, it's like slow motion hockey where flopping is not only tolerated but encouraged, but let me tell you, when that fucking ref called a fantom foul on the US Friday, taking away a game winning goal that would have guaranteed advancement to the next round, I almost threw the remote through the TV. OUTRAGE!! I WANT BLOOD!!! Deep breaths...

I feel better already. GO HOLLAND!

So teams I'm rooting for: USA, USA, USA!!! Mexico, because I live in the state that hates them and I hate most the people that live in this state. Germany, my heritage and any team that is playing France. Fuck France!

Well that's it. Until the World Cup is over you probably won't be hearing much from me unless you want to know about how to make the perfect grilled pizza or ramblings about a sport I know nothing about despite playing it for most of my childhood. Well, I have written about 1,300 words and it took me about 3 hours to write and edit this, so I say we're even. Deal? Good. Maybe once the All Star Break is over I will return to regular posting, but don't hold your breath. If you're really desperate for Cubs coverage, I suggest you head on over to Exile on Clark Street, where the posting is just as sketchy.

GO 'MERIKA!

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