How To Be A Bad Chicago Sports Fan...Again

So my last post discussed how much Chicago sports was on last night which is why I was able to watch exactly zero of it. Yep, to explain how you too can become the worst Chicago sports fan while still being able to write a blog about, I will share my experience.

First, it's best that you readers understand that the Idiots reside in AZ, which at the moment is on California time. Sometimes we are on Colorado time. This is difficult for us in that sometimes we have to buy beer the Saturday before Bears games and sometimes we don't. Confused? I don't care. Anyway, like I said we are on California time, so everything starts 2 hours earlier than Chicago time, which according to our StatCounter, 4/5 readers reside from. The other one lives in India, who we can only presume is a spy. That's right IP address 203.89.78.87 we are onto you. Again I digress, let me start over.

So yesterday all the action started while at was still at work. I know you might think all bloggers don't have jobs and live in our parent's basements, but all the Idiots are actually employed (knocks on wood). Oh, did I mention I work what the other Idiots refer to as "banker's hours". So I work from 10am - 6:30pm, which is 12noon - 8:30pm Chicago time, for now, until fall when it will be 11am - 7:30pm. So most sports start while I am still at work. Luckily, MLB offered me the chance to be able to listen to what should be free radio for the low price of $19.95. I had to take the deal. So I get to listen to the Cubs games at work, which I did yesterday. At the same time I had two browser windows open: one for the draft and one for porn the Bulls game. The Blackhawk's game I had on record via the Versus channel, which I will discuss later.

So my shift came to a close early while both the Cubs game and Bulls game were still going on. My drive home is roughly 45 minutes, and with both games near the end (Cubs in the 7th, Bulls in the third) I knew both would be over by the time I got home. So I decided to "watch" the Bulls game on my phone on the drive home and just assume the Cubs were not coming back against the Mets. I made the right choice. Until I got home and what seemed like the Bulls easily handling the Cavs throughout the entire game turned into a nail-biter. But I couldn't turn on the tv and watch the game for fear I would see the Blackhawks score, which was now in progress. Remember, I taped it. So I'm stuck looking at my phone refresh the play-by-play action every 30 seconds. Ghey!

Finally the Bulls won, all of the action which I had caught either on an internet or phone description. I checked the Cubs score, yep, the Cubs had lost. Shocker! So I decided to watch the Blackhawks game, or so I thought. See, it's really nice and all that Versus shows the playoff games, but if the previous game they are showing runs long, it bumps out the next game. So far these playoffs I have missed all 1st periods of the Hawks games because of this. I turn on the recording and see that the Sabres/Penguins game is tied. GREAT! If they go into overtime I miss even more of the Hawks game. YEP, FUCKING OVERTIME. Fast forward, fast forward, fast forward. FUCK NOW I'M LIVE AND THEY'RE IN DOUBLE OVERTIME! And then another overtime. By the time the game is over, so is the Hawks game, which started a couple hours after the start of the Sabres/Penguins game.

And now the draft is over, which I don't really care about anyway. So yeah, I watched exactly zero Chicago sports last night. And that my friends, is how to be a horrible Chicago sports fan. I should have just went to Best Buy to wait in line to buy Avatar like the other 4 million Idiots.

Go Cubs!


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TOO MANY SPORTS! MY BRAIN IS ABOUT TO SPLODE!

What to watch tonight? Bulls at home against Cleveland? The New Cubs? Blackhawks trying to save face? The Tim Tebow Selection Show?

If only they had a place where they showed multiple shows at once in a friendly atmosphere with other folks that like sports. And they could serve beer too! With attractive girls to bring you said beers. Alas, a place like this would only exist in heaven and I live in Arizona, land of sun, sand and redneck racists.

This should be an exciting time for Chicago fans, but us Northside fans can only talk about Zambrano, Zambrano, Zambrano. It's funny cause I listen to a couple of national sports radio shows (Dan Patrick and The Herd) on the way to work and all I hear about is Ben Rapelisberger. No one outside of Chicago is even batting an eye. But the Cublogoverse has blown up, as well it should.

I'm still holding out for my judgement. Call me a fence sitter if you will. Call me a fatty. Just don't call me Shirley. BTW, if you haven't seen it yet, here is why Joakim Noah is quickly becoming a fan favorite:



Go Cubs?Bulls?BLACKHAWKS!!!Tebow?


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At Least Now I Get To See My Favorite Player More Than Every Five Days

By now you've heard that Big Z will be moving to the bullpen when Lilly returns on Saturday. It's being called the dumbest move the organization has made since trading Lou Brock and even all the way back to the namesake of this fine blog, the failed college of coaches experiment. Since every other blog has already wrote about every conceivable take on the move, from comical to outright anger to breaking down the facts, I thought I would mull it over last night and come up with something genius this morning to write about.

But I can't come up with shit. Part of me agrees with everyone else that this move is horribly retarded. The other part understands that this team needs something to break up it's losing ways. This move is shocking, which is exactly what Lou probably wanted. Lou is a professional manager and at times a great one. Sure he can't seem to figure out a regular lineup and sometimes seem to have lost his fire, so why not throw Z into the bullpen to light it under their asses instead?

Honestly, between all the blogs and tweets, no one really knows if this move is what the Cubs need. We just have to wait and see. If it works, then Lou is a genius. If it doesn't, everything goes back to how it was, the Cubs still suck and Lou has basically pointed out how inept Hendry has been during the offseason by forcing his hand by putting an $18 million ace as his setup man.

Fuck, it's only April. The Cubs haven't given up yet even though it might seem that way. And really, are you THAT surprised? This is a team that traded Lou Brock, signed Milton Bradley to a 3 year deal and has raised such great ballplayers like Corey Patterson and Felix Pie. All those things worked out, right? Okay, maybe those are all bad examples.

Go Cubs?


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Volquez Suspended Under New "Anti-Flat Cap" Policy

Today, MLB suspended Reds pitcher, Edinson Volquez, 50 games for CAP violations. Volquez was found to have repeatedly worn his cap to the side and has refused to curve the bill. This came as a shock to the pitcher, who only played in 9 games last season and is recovering from Tommy John's surgery.

Since the beginning of the decade, players started "bringing the streets" to wearing their uniforms. It started with baggy pants and quickly moved to the most sacred part of the uniform, the baseball cap. After flat brimmed usage started to run rampant in baseball, MLB decided to crack down on the practice, which makes players look foolish and angers much of the older fan base. While other sports like football and especially basketball have embraced their "urban roots", baseball has tried to remain traditional and...well...white.

After Volquez was informed of the suspension and told to clean out his locker, MLB representatives also found a cache of suspect pills in his locker. It was speculated that the pills were PED's, but tests proved that it was just a bunch of PEZ given to Edinson by fellow teammate Aaron "Baby Ruth" Harang. Fortunately for Volquez, the suspension starts immediately while he is still on the 60-day DL, so his punishment is more like a stern yelling.

Go Cubs?


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Idiotic Tweets

So what's all this business you ask? Well it is no secret that I am the person behind most of COI's Twitter updates. In performing this task I have run across some real dumbass people with some real dumbass thoughts and opinions. In true blog fashion I have decided to periodically post some tweets I come along and provide my mental dialogue along with them.

Let the stupidity begin...So @JCapp1538 decided to link to a 'cleverly' altered picture of the Cubs new slogan. Typical Sox fan FAIL (his profile picture made it clear he's a Sox fan). He, or whoever, used a blue L against a white background when even most simpleton Sox fans know (because they spent money on one) that the Cubs fly a white L against a navy background when they lose. Nice try though chuckle head.

The next woman got into me a bit regarding Soriano's lame effort this past Sunday.

The situation got starting with me popping off that people probably wouldn't have minded Soriano being out in left when the Reds had a runner go first to third on a base hit to left. In my opinion Soriano would have cut the guy down no problem. Instead we got to first hand witness Colvin's sub-par arm short hop the throw to Ramirez. After I explained myself, this is what I got back.

What do you know? We have another know it all that accuses me of being a Soriano apologist because I felt compelled to point out a way he could help the team. I responded back explaining why she is a typical defeatist Cub fan that grabs onto whatever the most glaring error (of MANY) of the game and places the blame for the loss on the single person who committed it. At no time did she or any of the simple minded Cubs fans on Twitter at the time blame Ramirez or Byrd, both of who left men on base (7+ each), most in scoring position, with less than two out.

Finally, we have @KevenBachman with by far the most moronic tweet.

Let me answer those for you Keven. Permanent benching? Not for at least a few more years. Trade??? Again, a few years. I guess Hendry trading Bradley makes people think ANYONE can be traded. I am probably giving Keven too much credit though. I assume he does not realize that Soriano has four more years on his contract. Surely he wouldn't ask such a stupid question if he did...right? By the way, thanks for using b4 instead of before. I appreciate you saving me the time I would have wasted interpreting those 4 characters.

Well that's it for the first installation of Idiotic Tweets. I promise more tweets next time. The idea really just came to me last night so we will see how it pans out. Now that I am looking out I am sure I will find better material. Until then...

GO CUBS!
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Sox Fans Fail: Keeping It Classy

As Cubs fans, we think we have a little more class than our neighbors on the South Side. We try not to stoop to their level of insults and actually Sox fans, we know it's hard for you to believe, but we could care less. Unless of course you go out of your way to prove to us that you are in fact, inbred meth-head dirty crackers. This year, you didn't even make it past the first game.

On Monday, Nemeth's son had to go, and his father took him to the nearest restroom. They stood in line for the first urinal next to a row of stalls.

Everything seems okay so far, I mean usually fathers at Sox games lead their kids into beatdowns of umpires, but whatever.

As they waited, Nemeth said, he noticed noises coming from the last stall. A man's legs — clad in blue jeans and sneakers — were sticking out from under the stall door.

"The toes were pointing up," said Nemeth. "The legs were shaking and quivering. From a visual standpoint, all you had to see was the legs quivering to know something was going on."

An overdose from meth, no doubt.

As a trained physician, he had an idea what was happening in there, but he worried it might have been something else.

Like two dudes blowing each other?

"It was bizarre. It caught the attention of a lot of people. I tried to turn my boy's attention away from it, then I thought, ‘Is someone having a seizure?'

Sox fans, easily distracted by loud noises.

"So I kicked the door, just to get a reaction. I just wanted to make sure nobody was dying in there. That's when I heard a woman's voice yell, ‘HEY, STOP!' Something was going on and I had interrupted."

That something: a little bit of bump-and-grind.

Moments later, the stall door opened, and a tall, thin, blond man exited. The tall man held his arms up in triumph.

Just a thought here, but the author of the article, John Kass, sure does go into a detailed description of what the guy looked like. I can't wait till his detailed description of the girl. How big where her breasts, John?

"His arms were straight up, like in victory," Nemeth said. "Everybody was hooting and hollering and giving high-fives."

Congrats, you now have crabs AND so does everyone that just high-fived you.

Then a second person left the stall, someone Nemeth described as apparently female, "scurrying" out of the restroom with a shirt or coat over her head.

WHAT!?! No description, just "apparently female"? Maybe it was gay sex.

"It was disgusting. Probably the most disgusting thing was the encouragement this guy received from the other guys in the bathroom. You can't even go to a baseball game anymore without being subjected to this?"

Hey, with the lack of teeth and the putrid smell of most Sox fans, the only action they usually get is from the whores on 34th street on the way home from the game. Give the guy some credit.

His son began asking questions. Nemeth told him not to worry about it. They finished their business and got out of there.

Wait, now the father and son are doing their business. What kind-of weird orgies do you guys have on the South Side? On second thought, don't answer that.

He went up to a Sox employee and told her about it. By then, the offending couple were long gone.

It seems to me only the father was the offending one. Everyone seemed to enjoy the free show, like I said, Sox fans are so classy.

Go Cubs!

Update: Cubs Fan Fail, so maybe we aren't all that classy after all.



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COI Idiotic Series Review: Series I - The Tribe-ulations

It's not a secret that at COI, we don't like game reviews. As hardcore Cubs fans, well at least fanatic enough to seek out an Idiotic blog like us, you know what happened in the last three games. No, it takes a special few to have an interesting, funny or informative recap. This year, as a break into Idiocy, COI will review the series recap. And similar to the blogs that we prefer, we hope that these posts will be either interesting , funny and informative. At least you can be assured they will be...Idiotic.

Fuck; FUCK; okay, not so bad. I would like to compare the first series of the year as to getting a shot. First, you hate it. The nurse preps you by wiping a cotton ball of alcohol on your skin. It's not that bad, but instantly you expect the worst. This is how Cubs fans felt after the first game of the year. The worst in memory, hell, one of the worst ever. The Cubs broke a lot of records that day...and not the good ones. The ones like where your opponents score the most amount of runs against you in an Opening Day. But as we all freaked out, we still had optimism. Jitters if you will. Hell, this is the "first year". We should be nervous.

Big Z, who looked decent in Spring Training but has a history of horrible Opening Day starts looked like a man on a cotton ball diet. Sure he looks healthy, but give him a chance and he will be shitting cardigans before you know it. I don't think that made any sense... Either way it was classic Z on Opening Day. But the game wasn't all that bad. The Byrdman hit a homer in his first at bat with the Cubs, who managed to come back from Z's meltdown on the mound (although amazingly not in the dugout or clubhouse) until Snark fucked the pillow and put the Cubs out of reach in the first game.

The second game was like the insertion of the needle. Just when you comfortable, you think nothing bad can happen, Grabow jumps in and gives up a homer and the Cubs lose after a brilliant performance from the Bearded Canadian. Painful.

The Byrd, the Byrd, the Byrd is the word...Christ we are lame.

And then you have last night. The relief after knowing it's all over. The Cubs are back. I'm too lazy this late to look up how many shutouts the Cubs had last year, but I'm sure it's no more than former Cubs closer Alfonseca has fingers. Combine that with a long balls by rookie Tyler Colvin (no nickname as of publication) and the Byrdman along with excellent pitching for the most part (at least by Randy Wells, yes that's only one "W" for now) and you have what the Cubs have been missing so far this year. Unfortunately, the 2 homers also showcase what they have been missing...offense. Or defense, or effective middle inning pitching...fuck this is going to be a long season.

Oh yeah, and there was some kid named Heyward. So what?

And so the awards...

COI Idiot of the Series: This has to go to Grabow. Yes, Snark was a close second in the running, but that's mostly ND hate right there. Grabow somehow earned the setup man job and then quickly lost it by losing the game on Wednesday and then walking his first and only batter faced on Thursday. If the Cubs are going to win this year, it will be with it's middle relief who will need to step it up to keep an inept offense close this year. Thank God for Marshall and that Russell kid.

COI Hero of the Series: DUH! The Byrdman has 2 home runs and has already contributed more to this team than "the man who remain nameless" ever did last year. So this pretty much means he is due to be injured by the end of the month, but we can still enjoy it while it lasts.

COI Knock My Dick in the Dirt Award: This award will go to a play, hit, player or whatever is impressive for the series. The first series award goes to Big Z. Sure his Opening Day was horrible, but the old Z would display Gatorade machine beatings, tantrums and more. Maybe this is a new Z. I still think the guy can win at least 15 games this year. Of course, I have been known to be wrong before.

Series I: Lost 1-2.

Go Cubs!


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COI's 2010 MLB Predictions

Disclaimer - Ginger Russ and Lazy Steve have not reviewed these predictions and do not necessarily agree with them. But they are dumb shits so who cares?!?!

So I have decided to make a feeble attempt at predicting the outcome of the 2010 MLB season. I'll likely be just as accurate as all of the overpaid 'analysts' out there but hopefully a little more interesting. First, I will lay out each division with the teams predicted record in order then I will follow it up with a brief summary of how I see things playing out.

NL EAST

1. Phillies
2. Braves
3. Mets
4. Gnationals
5. Fishes

Halladay only makes the Phillies better. No offense to Cliff Lee but Halladay is much more valuable to a team over the course of a season. That being said, who knows how he will produce in the post season. This is arguably the most competitive division (most mediocre teams assembled together?) in baseball and if things pan out with Atlanta's young players I could see them hanging in there into late Sept. The Gnats improvements and Florida's propensity to be a massive pain in the ass will keep the wildcard from coming out of the east.

NL CENTRAL

1. Cubs
2. Cardinals
   
3. Reds
4. Brewers
5. Joke #1
6. Joke #2

Yeah, I am going with the Cubs. Like most knowledgeable baseball fans (ie people who don't work for ESPN) I have no reason to believe that Carpenter/Wainwright will stay healthy like they did last season and don't expect Holliday to keep up his post-trade production. Couple this with the fact that the Cubs should get 130+ games from Aramis and the fact that Soriano WILL NOT be leading off anymore and the Cubs have more than a chance at advancing to the playoffs (where they can then embarrass us again). Oh, did I forget to mention that Milton's gone? Hopefully that reignites the fire in Lou. FYI Seattle...Milton had a great numbers and was not too big of a problem...in Spring Training last year.

Insert Houston and Pittsburgh where you want. Should be fun kicking the heads in of tools like Lance "scardy cat" Berkman. BTW Lance...lightning is going to strike a foul pole or a light standard in that scenario...not some fat fuck standing on the lowest point in the place.

NL WEST

1. Dodgers
2. Giants (WC)
   
3. DBags
4. Rockies
5. Fathers

SF still doesn't have enough offense to overcome the Dodgers. The Dodgers should really perform much better than they did last season with all those young players having another year of experience. And really, how many people don't think that Lincecum's arm is going to eventually fall off? Arizona might have another record setting season on their hands with Mark Renyolds determined to set a strikeout record that the likes of Jose Hernandez could only dream of.

AL EAST

1. Yankees
2. Red Sox (WC)
   
3. Doesn't matter
4. Doesn't matter
5. Doesn't matter

The Rays had their chance 2 seasons ago. The Yankees will again win the division with the Red Sox close on their heels. This will set up another insufferable ALCS in all likely found and unite the rest of America behind whichever NL team advantages to play them.

AL CENTRAL

1. Twins
2. White Sox
3. Tigers
4. Indians
5. Royals

This is probably the most boring division in MLB. Other than the guys batting in the middle of the Minnesota lineup these games are largely unwatchable. There is a chance that the White Sox can pass the Twins based solely on the fact that the Twins huge home field advantage is now gone. Seriously guys? Baseball outside in Minnesota...in April? Dumb.

AL WEST

1. Angels
2. Rangers
3. Mariners
4. A's

I like the Angels not because they improved themselves but because the other teams in their division regressed (IMHO). Seattle can't seriously think that Bradley is going to pull his shit together and lead them to a division championship. If Chicago gets ANYTHING from Silva this season I will be a happy man, especially when Milton makes his first racism accusations around the 2nd week of April. Can the Rangers come up and take the reigns from LA? Sure, but it depends on what they get from Hamilton.

NLDS

• Giants over Phillies - Giants front end pitching shuts down the vaunted Philly offense.
• Dodgers over Cubs - Is there a reason to think the Cubs can win 1 game? OK, we have one, Carlos Zambrano, who has proved to be the most reliable player beyond game 162.

ALDS

• Twins over Yankees - Mauer will eventually get to an ALCS. Why not now?
  
• Red Sox over Angels - Millar rejoins the Sox and continues his unsanctioned Idiocy.

LCS

• Giants over Dodgers - Manny is the tying run in game 7 and trips over his stupid fucking hair while attempting to score on a single to left...shrugs it off immediately.
• Twins over Red Sox - The Twins, now used to playing in sub zero conditions, out-class the Red Sox in October.

World Series

• Twins over Giants - Lincecum's 'forgetfulness' causes him to miss the flight and can't pitch game 1...ruining their plan to pitch him in games 1, 4, and 7. The Giants never recover and the Twins win it all.

Pretty ridiculous stuff right? We shall see. Cubs @ Braves tomorrow at 4ET/1PT.

GO CUBS!
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COI Returns, Disapoints the Clublogoverse Yet Again

April Fools suckers...are you reading this? Real games starting Monday means the only time of the year that I will look forward to a Monday.

Go Cubs!


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COI Closes Up Shop, Cublogoverse Hardly Notices

Well, we had a good run didn't we?

(Cue "Closing Time" by Semisonic)

Unfortunately, I have the bad news to report that after many Firestone Walker DBA's and glasses of scotch that Angry, Lazy and myself have decided to shut down COI following the end of spring training and the beginning of the new season. We determined that we are all too busy to keep you guys informed regularly and that the quality of the posts has been lacking recently. This combined with the fact that even though the Cubs have seen 2 playoffs during our time, that they still have not yet won a playoff game, which we view as our fault. Well, now the Cubs can finally win, because we are all going to our proverbial home.

As for the rumors about COI, Wasting Away in Wrigleyville and Thunder Matt's Saloon merging, that experiment has also ended. They guys over there decided to return to the Pomp Culture format of blogging nothing about the Cubs, and I for one cannot be a part of that.

We hope you all enjoyed COI, now GET OFF MY LAWN!!!

Go Cubs!


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