America..Fuck Yeah! Cubs...FUCK!

Happy Fucking Birthday America!

Wow, what to say about this great time in American history? First black president...worst assault on the environment ever...TEA BAGGERS (John Waters finally gets his due)! It may only seem like it's been since the birth of our great nation that the Cubs have won a World Series, but that's only because neither you, your parents, your grandparents and in the case of our younger "viewers" (did you ask your parents for written consent to read this?) your great-grandparents have seen the Cubs win it all either. But this is the year! At least that's what I wrote on an empty Old Style 12 pack case in Crayola crayons earlier this year.

Why is it that we need our pitchers to get within 2 innings or closer of a no-no for the Cubs to win? How did our Opening Day pitcher become the "Milton Bradley" of the NL? How did I become more interested in futbol than the Cubs? What is this rash on my ass?

Seriously though, on Monday and Tuesday the Idiots will again head out to the BOB, or whatever the fuck name the stadium is called this year to watch our beloved(?) Cubbies hopefully win a couple in the Valley of the Sun. Yeah, I WON'T be wearing my Zambrano jersey. Maybe this year we can take in some of the great features of the park, like the phallic-shaped swimming pool, the TGI Fridays in left field, or the kiddie batting cage behind home plate. Wait, that last one was just creepy. So sign us up for a couple of Sonoran Dogs, sushi, lattes and billboards telling us when to clap and cheer. Gotta love baseball where the AZ fans are just as clueless as an Argentine fan blowing his vuvuzela after the 90th minute of yesterday's World Cup game. Fuck, how did futbol work it's way back into this post? Well, gotta root at least one winning team.

Go Germany!


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