College of Idiots: Kinda a Cubs Post: NO EXCUSES!

We've been getting a couple comments lately from some guy (or gal) named "anonymous" who has been complaining about the lack of posting going on. I would like to formally apologize. Actually, no, fuck that. "Watching" this team this year has been atrocious. And I'm not putting "watching" in "air quotes" because "that's what the kids are doing". I seriously have probably only seen about 18 innings of Cubs baseball this year and about 8 those were the Ted Lily almost no-no. (I did catch 4 innings on Sunday before deciding if the Cubs lost a 7 run lead I would go on a murderous rampage.) I just don't care. And you don't either. It's even gotten to the point that I don't even know when the Cubs are playing, especially if it's a day game. I usually head over to Cubs.com around 4pm AZ time to see what time they start that day and sometimes I see a final score instead. And 9 times out of 10 it's of the losing variety and I thank God that I was busy listening to the new MGMT album instead.

I actually don't own the new MGMT album, but I hear that's what all the hipsters are listening to.

Really, if this was a season that was even remotely tolerable, we could at least joke about it. But we can't. It's THAT bad. Think about it, this team has actually IMPROVED since last year and still fans are calling it the worst Cubs team of their lives. "Fuck you, Ginger, this team sucks!", you say? Well, allow me to retort.

1. Silva for Bradley.
Although he is finally playing down to his potential, Silva has 8 wins this season. He is the only Cubs starter with a winning record, and besides BearPigFace (Marshall), the only Cubs pitcher WITH a winning record. If at the beginning of the season you said Silva would be the best Cubs starter AND have 8 wins FOR THE ENTIRE SEASON, I would have asked you for a hit off of whatever pipe you were smoking (unless it was crack, I'm not a degenerate you know...fuck, now I just insulted all our crack-smoking readers).

Meanwhile Bradley had a mental breakdown in Seattle and is hitting .230 with 6 home runs and 25 RBI's. If he were on the Cubs, he would have the lowest BA of all the starters and most the bench. Yes, even Derrek Lee.

2. The Byrd is the Word.
Guess which 2 Cubs have the best chance of representing the Cubs at the All Star Game this year? Yep, neither of them were on this team last year, which by addition and one through a MAJOR subtraction, should be making this team better. If it wasn't for Byrd, this team would be the Diamondbacks. And that's just bad, I know, I live in Phoenix. The Cubs went into the offseason needing a center fielder and we found it. We all know Hendry is a complete idiot, but as the saying goes, even a blind squirrel shits in the woods. Wait, that's not right. Something about the squirrel's balls. I don't know.

3. Animal Farm.
Why that title? I don't know, but the Cubs farm system is actually producing some talent in Colvin and Castro. And you know the Cubs are good at bringing along talented players through the system, I mean with all the Pie's and Patterson's and everything.

4. Ramirez Is Healthy.
What? He went on the DL. Shows how much I follow this team. Next thing you are going to tell me is that we resigned Brown Spot Bob Howry. Yeah, like THAT would ever happen!

5. Marmol Is Who We Thought They Were.
Fucker is on a MLB record breaking streak of strikeouts/inning ratio at close to 2 strike outs per inning. He has completed 13 of 16 save opportunities, but in how many of those did he inherit runners? I would look it up, but if I don't stop talking about this team I'm going to throw up thinking of so many reasons why this team should be atop the NL Central and not in the basement.

6. We Got Ricketts.
Having new owners was supposed to be a good thing. Right? Buehler? Buehler?

/heads to bathroom to pray to the porcelain God

So even though this team sucks, it has it's bright spots, even if that doesn't mean shit from shinola. So what have I been doing while ignoring my Cubbies? If you answered drinking heavily while watching the grass grow, you might be right. And let me tell, watching the grass grow in the desert is EXTREMELY boring. It's like we don't even have any unless you plant it twice a year and water it 4 times a day.

Seriously though, I have been adding to my distractions to keep my mind off the Cubs and preventing myself from writing anymore of these crappy posts that you must hate yourself so much that you actually read. Let's take a look at some of the things I have enjoyed in place of the Cubs this season.

Best beer glass EVAH!

1. The Blackhawks.
Did you know the NHL playoffs go until basically summer? Neither did I until this season, when just like you I jumped on that bandwagon to the promised land. I actually watched every Hawks playoff game and it was great. I liked hockey before, but now I LOVE it. I even got the girlfried in on the action, cursing along with me as the Hawks shot, passed, stopped and out-played their opponents on the way to the Lord Stanley Cup.

I am determined to make a vegetarian version of the KFC Double Down.

2. Food Blogs.
I'm an avid blog reader and in the past I have written about Cubs blogs I like while taking shots at others. My Google Reader has feeds from every Cubs blog I can find. Yes, even Bleed Cubbie Blue, although since I never read that garbage, I don't know why. But since I would rather punch myself in the nuts or light my ass on fire than watch the Cubs, why would I want to read about them? I currently have 900 unread Cubs blog posts that I will immediately trash after I get done writing this post.

So I have started reading food blogs instead. I love food and cooking and I love blogs, I don't know why I didn't do this sooner. A couple of note that I enjoy include Chow Bella (a Phoenix based blog), Epic Portions, GrubGrade, MAN B QUE, Serious Eats and So Good. If you're a foodie like me I suggest you check them out. I also frequent Mental Floss daily for strange and unique information and fun quizzes and Urlesque to keep me up on the current internet memes. I heart memes as well.

Sad Keanu is sad.

3. World Cup Fever.
Yep, I've got it and I hope there's no cure. Seriously, if you would have asked me a month ago to get up at 6:30 in the morning (I usually wake up at 8:30) to watch SOCCER I would have punched you in the ovaries. But now I'm watching almost every game thanks to ESPN3 and early morning programming. It's great! Sure, it's like slow motion hockey where flopping is not only tolerated but encouraged, but let me tell you, when that fucking ref called a fantom foul on the US Friday, taking away a game winning goal that would have guaranteed advancement to the next round, I almost threw the remote through the TV. OUTRAGE!! I WANT BLOOD!!! Deep breaths...

I feel better already. GO HOLLAND!

So teams I'm rooting for: USA, USA, USA!!! Mexico, because I live in the state that hates them and I hate most the people that live in this state. Germany, my heritage and any team that is playing France. Fuck France!

Well that's it. Until the World Cup is over you probably won't be hearing much from me unless you want to know about how to make the perfect grilled pizza or ramblings about a sport I know nothing about despite playing it for most of my childhood. Well, I have written about 1,300 words and it took me about 3 hours to write and edit this, so I say we're even. Deal? Good. Maybe once the All Star Break is over I will return to regular posting, but don't hold your breath. If you're really desperate for Cubs coverage, I suggest you head on over to Exile on Clark Street, where the posting is just as sketchy.

GO 'MERIKA!