It's not a secret that at COI, we don't like game reviews. As hardcore Cubs fans, well at least fanatic enough to seek out an Idiotic blog like us, you know what happened in the last three games. No, it takes a special few to have an interesting, funny or informative recap. This year, as a break into Idiocy, COI will review the series recap. And similar to the blogs that we prefer, we hope that these posts will be either interesting , funny and informative. At least you can be assured they will be...Idiotic.
Fuck; FUCK; okay, not so bad. I would like to compare the first series of the year as to getting a shot. First, you hate it. The nurse preps you by wiping a cotton ball of alcohol on your skin. It's not that bad, but instantly you expect the worst. This is how Cubs fans felt after the first game of the year. The worst in memory, hell, one of the worst ever. The Cubs broke a lot of records that day...and not the good ones. The ones like where your opponents score the most amount of runs against you in an Opening Day. But as we all freaked out, we still had optimism. Jitters if you will. Hell, this is the "first year". We should be nervous.
Big Z, who looked decent in Spring Training but has a history of horrible Opening Day starts looked like a man on a cotton ball diet. Sure he looks healthy, but give him a chance and he will be shitting cardigans before you know it. I don't think that made any sense... Either way it was classic Z on Opening Day. But the game wasn't all that bad. The Byrdman hit a homer in his first at bat with the Cubs, who managed to come back from Z's meltdown on the mound (although amazingly not in the dugout or clubhouse) until Snark fucked the pillow and put the Cubs out of reach in the first game.
The second game was like the insertion of the needle. Just when you comfortable, you think nothing bad can happen, Grabow jumps in and gives up a homer and the Cubs lose after a brilliant performance from the Bearded Canadian. Painful.
And then you have last night. The relief after knowing it's all over. The Cubs are back. I'm too lazy this late to look up how many shutouts the Cubs had last year, but I'm sure it's no more than former Cubs closer Alfonseca has fingers. Combine that with a long balls by rookie Tyler Colvin (no nickname as of publication) and the Byrdman along with excellent pitching for the most part (at least by Randy Wells, yes that's only one "W" for now) and you have what the Cubs have been missing so far this year. Unfortunately, the 2 homers also showcase what they have been missing...offense. Or defense, or effective middle inning pitching...fuck this is going to be a long season.
Oh yeah, and there was some kid named Heyward. So what?
And so the awards...
COI Idiot of the Series: This has to go to Grabow. Yes, Snark was a close second in the running, but that's mostly ND hate right there. Grabow somehow earned the setup man job and then quickly lost it by losing the game on Wednesday and then walking his first and only batter faced on Thursday. If the Cubs are going to win this year, it will be with it's middle relief who will need to step it up to keep an inept offense close this year. Thank God for Marshall and that Russell kid.
COI Hero of the Series: DUH! The Byrdman has 2 home runs and has already contributed more to this team than "the man who remain nameless" ever did last year. So this pretty much means he is due to be injured by the end of the month, but we can still enjoy it while it lasts.
COI Knock My Dick in the Dirt Award: This award will go to a play, hit, player or whatever is impressive for the series. The first series award goes to Big Z. Sure his Opening Day was horrible, but the old Z would display Gatorade machine beatings, tantrums and more. Maybe this is a new Z. I still think the guy can win at least 15 games this year. Of course, I have been known to be wrong before.
Series I: Lost 1-2.
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