The Chicago Cubs Have Ricketts! (No One Has Used That Title Yet, I'm Sure)

So when I fondle your nipples, girls, I'm going to use a counter rotating motion like this. Wait, one of you is my sister, right? Ah, fuck it!

If you all are still interested in the Cubs, you know with the WS and nationally televised Favre jerkfest going on, then I'm sure you've tuned into the press conference with new owners, the Rickettses (is that the plural?). Oh, you haven't? Well then, let me just highlight some of the points that Tom (I can call Tom, right?), and his lesbian sister (funny, in all the movies I've seen lesbians are attractive, please don't tell me Girls Gone Wild has been lying to me this entire time) outlined for the media and selective fuck-face fans (Al Yellon is a fuck-face, fucker!).

1. The Cubs will be moving to Shaumburg (Wrigley Field and all) and changing their name to the Rape Clowns.

2. The Cubs will employ cheerleaders, but not like the Luvabulls. Instead, Aaron Miles, Ryan Theriot and Mike Fontenot will dress up in assless chaps and sing and dance to Village People songs. They will be called the Assless Chapped Midget Trio Cajun Boy Fuckers (or ACMTCBF for short).

3. The Cubs will keep Milton Bradley on the team, naming him the sole team captain and manager, in charge of all decisions made on the field.

4. Soriano will return to bat leadoff.

5. The Cubs will tear down that horribly outdated scoreboard and replace it with the biggest jumbotron ever. Yes, even bigger than the one in Texas. Because everything is bigger in Shaumburg, especially the women.

6. The Cubs will put in blue astro-turf, similar to the stuff that Boise State plays on.

7. The Cubs will upgrade the food at Wrigley to ONLY include fois gras, kimchee and a selection of crab cake sliders.

8. The Cubs will change their uniforms to be camouflage: green for home and sand-colored for away.

9. Ronny Woo Woo will be in charge of day-to-day operations.

10. The Cubs will win a World Series.

Seriously though folks, none of these are true. Nope, not even the last one. Get over it fuckers, not even a guy who grew up a Cubs fan, had an apartment in Wrigleyville, met his wife at Wrigley, and promises to build a championship caliber team can help this organization. Who do you think he is? Jerry Reinsdorf?

Bear Down!


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COI Idiotic Preditions: Week 8, Halloween Edition

Nerds: sometimes they're hot!

Well it's the 5th Friday of the month (FIVE FUCKING FRIDAYS!!!, IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD), so you all know what that means! Ladies put on your sluttiest outfit, guys dress up as your favorite internet meme (now featuring Balloon Boy). Yep, it's the only weekend of the year where wearing your furry costume IS acceptable in public.

It also means that it's time for the bi-weekly Idiotic Predictions. This Saturday being Halloween and all, we brought along some of your favorite ghouls and horror movie icons to give their thoughts on this weekend's matchups. Don't worry, it will still be as bad as when Balloon Boy stopped by, only scarier (and by scary we mean more horrible). Let's get started.


FUCK! Last week the Bears laid a shit egg. I was in Vegas and took the game in at the Times Square Center bar at the NY, NY. That was at least for the first half, until I left and decided losing hundreds of dollars in blackjack was more enjoyable than watching the Bears. The worst part was my gf's dad got us a hotel at Southpoint, which if you haven't been to Vegas, Southpoint is about 4 miles off the strip, which may as well have been in LA because the cab ride was about the same price. So after the beating I had to wear my Bears jersey around all over town. I just loved all the questions about the Bears score! It was funny the first 100 times assholes. Anyways, the Bears take on the Browns this week, which should be a winnable game. Of course so should winning blackjack with a pair of Kings against a dealer showing a five on a hundred dollar hand, but we're not going there. Let's see what the Zombies from Night/Dawn/Day of the Dead think.


Zombies: BRAINS!! BRAINS!!

I agree, it seems like Ron Turner has lost his brain in his play calling and the Bears defensive might as well be playing like they got their arms and legs eaten off by you guys. Fortunately, even a 10 man team of emo nerds dressed as Twilight characters could beat the Browns.

Bears 28 - Browns 10

Let's cheer up, shall we. Purdue has bounced back and won 2 straight after losing 5 in a row. This week they take on the Wisconsin Badgers at Camp Randall. Wisconsin is average at best this year, despite a 5-2 record, which includes barely beating NIU, a double overtime win against Fresno State and narrowly squeaking by Michigan State and Minnesota before losing their last 2 to ranked Ohio State and Iowa. Since the game is at Camp Randall Stadium, we will ask Jason from Camp Crystal Lake his thoughts.


Well, fuck! Jason just cut Lazy's head off. I'm getting the fuck out of here!

Purdue 35 - Wisconsin 24

And finally we have NIU, who stay at home against Akron in a rematch of the 2005 MAC Championship when the Zips beat the Huskies on the final play of the game, scoring on a 36-yard TD pass to earn them the MAC crown and a bid to a bowl game (probably the Tire Bowl or some shit like that). This year looks to be different as the Huskies have a winning record of 4-3 under Coach Kill, losing by only 1 point in 2 of those games. But the Huskies haven't been so lucky on Halloween day, and have never won a game (0-5) on Oct. 31st since becoming a major college program. Keeping it local, we asked hunchback dude from DeKalb (if you have ever frequented DeKalb downtown bars, you know who I'm talking about) about the game.


Hunchback Dude: Give me a fucking beer before I punch you in the dick!

Well, looks like HD isn't into talking too much. Just needs another beer that drunk bastard. We still love him though! I think the Halloween Curse is broken by the Huskies, mostly because the Zips are 1-6 and are about as scary as Chaim's gay assistant in his BDSM outfit.

NIU 21 - Akron 20

Speaking of hunchbacks, we might as well predict the ND game, which is at "home" in Texas against Washington State. Since this whole monster gig is going about as well as that time I wore that "God's Gift To Women" costume, let's just go right to the prediction.

ND 13 - WSU 41

How could you NOT get laid wearing this costume?

That sure was another awesome round of the Idiotic Predictions! Check back in a couple more weeks for a rousing Veteran's Day edition!

Bear Down!


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Mmm...Sweet Lemonade (NSFW)

Shut Up Women, Get On My Horse

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World Series Preview: COI Style

We don't give a fuck either!

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Everything The Cublogosphere Knows About Rudy Jaramillo Is Here, Why Go Anywhere Else?

The news about the Cubs signing Rudy Jaramillo to the most expensive contract for a coach ever is the buzz this morning in the world of the Cublogosphere. Just like President Obama, either you love or hate this move, or you just don't care and are busy gathering nuts for the coming winter season. People on the love side point to the fact that he has helped a lot of players improve while in Texas, including DeRosa, Soriano and even Bradley. People on the hate side point out that these "improvements" came at a time when steroid usage was rampant and Texas plays on a little league field.

Personally, I think when the Cubs are going to have to eat most of Bradley's contract, have a shitload of other wasted money on the team (Soriano, Fuku, Dempster, Ronny Woo Woo), they shouldn't be throwing out multi-million dollar contracts to coaches. These guys SHOULD know how to hit by now. I mean this is the majors. Unless they are pitching, no one on this team is there because of their defensive abilities, sans our own Andy White. Let's not forget also that this team is one year separated from having the most offensive production in the majors in 2008 and basically has all the same parts. So Hendry, please do us a favor and eat another of those magical donuts that brought Lee, Ramirez and TRL to the Cubs and stop giving former Rangers huge contracts for doing basically nothing. But enough about what I think, I'm just an Professor in the College of Idiocy. Let's look at more "knowledgeable" blogs and get some real opinions:

A League of Her Own has little to say on the subject, besides pointing out that Soriano is happy because Jaramillo speaks Spanish. Well, woopty-doo!

We'll score that as a tie for the good signing/bad signing competition.

Another Cubs Blog points out the good and bad of the signing, although seems to leaning on the side of it not being such a good idea.

For that kind of money, Rudy ought to have the offense eating coal and shitting Tiffany cufflinks by next April.

At any rate, Hendry got his man, but for some reason, I don’t think spending a few mil on a coach is going to soften the blow of eating a $21 MM dollar contract.

We'll vote that on the bad side.

Ace and The Moderately Obsessive Hitting Coach Watch over at Bleacher Nation also seems to not understand why Hendry just keeps throwing money out like they were Krispy Kremes in a hot tub (I know, that didn't make much sense to me either).

It’s a lot of money to give a guy who won’t step on the field, and the three year commitment could cause a minor issue when the Cubs set out to find a managerial replacement for Lou Piniella after next season. It will be interesting to learn whether Jaramillo’s deal has a buyout after this year should the Cubs pursue a manager who wants to bring his own hitting coach.

Another vote for a bad signing.

(GFY) Al Yellon at Bleed Cubbie Blue likes the signing. Well, duh, he's a fucking idiot.

There is one more thing that's an encouraging sign about this signing. Spending nearly $2.5 million (over three years) on a coach indicates -- to me, at least -- that new ownership, which will likely be made official in the next couple of weeks, is not going to hold back the purse strings when it comes to improving the team. And that has to be good news.

Or Jim Hendry is just as clueless as you are Al.

The score is now 1 good, 2 bad, 1 undecided.

Jay at Bush League Times always keeps it short and sweet:

I'd be much more excited if Jaramillo played a corner-outfield spot but I guess this is a start...

We'll put that on the plus side...

Jen at CUBblogging gives her strange point of view which seems to be Cheetos induced (full of "()"s, even more than I usually use):

To execute their cunning, wily...dare I say, diabolical plan of…wait for it, wait for it…HITTING(!!!), the masterminds are bringing in hitting coach extraordinaire (some say guru - not me, but probably someone) Rudy Jaramillo (see: right, with his ummm, let's go with "star pupil"), a guy who obviously likes a challenge...and a lot of digits on his paycheck (well really, who doesn’t?).

So no opinion. It's 2-2-2.

Goat Riders has the best explanation of the signing:

As smart, sophisticated, kick-ass Cub fans, we all have to realize how little this might mean. Jaramillo has had a lot of success serving as the hitting coach for the Rangers (since 1994) and Astros (from 1990 to 1993), but the question is this: was he successful at turning guys like Bagwell, Biggio, Gonzalez, Rodriguez, Teixeria, and Young into super-stars, or was he fortunate to have those guys around to make him look good?

One interesting thing to note was that, from stories early in the year, Milton Bradley reportedly missed his old hitting coach from the Rangers (Jaramillo) who he connected to back when he had his spectacular '08 season. Does this mean there is even a small chance of reconciliation with Jim and Milton? Probably not.

I still think that hitting coaches are important, despite how some Cub fans would argue that they do nothing to impact the multi-millionaires they coach. Chances are that a hitting coach can't turn a bad hitter into a good one, but he might be able to take a good hitter with bad habits and get him focused and directed. Besides, much like pitching there are mechanics to good hitting. Jaramillo's direct impact on the team should stem from his ability to fix an errant batting stance and to close a swing with big holes in it. We can't underestimate the value of that, much as we shouldn't oversell it, either.

So another for the plus side, this time with an actually well thought-out argument that almost swayed me to the other side.

But Bad Kermit at Hire Jim Essian also brings up a good point about Jaramillo and Soriano:

For some reason, people are also talking about how “well” Jaramillo worked with Alfonso Soriano. How so? Except for his first year as a full-time player and (of course) last year, Soriano had his worst two seasons (based solely and over-simplistically on OPS+) under Jaramillo in a hitter-friendly park in Texas, including his career low (again, excluding his first and last full seasons) OBP of .309. Rudy knows so much about hitting that he never once played in the Major Leagues on his own.

The Cublogoshpere just can't make up their mind: 3-3-2.

The Cub Reporter points out a lot of the players that Jaramillo has worked with, along with including a link to a video in which Jaramillo gives his 5 key point to hitting. After pointing out that the hitting coach isn't that important, they end up on the fence:

So expecting tangible evidence that Jaramillo will make a difference in 2010 is a lot of magic to expect out of just a hitting coach. Still, if he does to hitters what Cardinal's pitching coach Dave Duncan does to pitchers, next summer just might be fun once again at Wrigley.

DAMN IT: 3-3-3.

The Friendly Blogfines thinks the signing is "a solid move":

It might be overpaying, but I think it's a solid move for a Cubs team that's going to need to improve their offense mainly from within. Now Jim Hendry will likely focus on unloading Milton Bradley, even though Bradley led the American League in OPS with Jaramillo as his hitting coach in 2008.

So another for a good signing.

And finally, Joe over at View From the Bleachers added his comments on Monday:

I’m not a big believer in the hitting coach, but after the slump we saw last year, it can’t hurt, can it?

So another on the fence. 4-3-4.

And with my thinking that this is a bad signing, we come to the conclusion that none of us are decisive in how we feel about Jaramillo. In the end it's a full split with 4 blogs thinking it's a good idea, 4 thinking it's a bad idea, and 4 that are unsure and will wait and see. All in all we can come to one conclusion: even in the offseason, Cubs fans are still more interested in the signing of a hitting coach than they are of our professional basketball and hockey teams (did you realize that the Blackhawks are 5-2-1?)

Bear Down!


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Top 10: Top 10 Plays, Number Four

This morning I was watching SportsCenter (yes, people do still watch this show) and caught the regular and popular feature, the Top 10 Plays of the Day. It's not an original idea, every sports columnist, show and blogger has their lists of greatness and power rankings. But not the Saloon COI. This got me thinking, the Top 10 Plays are always the same "types" of plays. Sure, once in a great while you may have a new record in the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest that gets on, or possibly a Nascar highlight, but for the most part you really aren't seeing anything that hasn't been done before. And so I bring to the Saloon COI a Top 10 list of my own. Editor's note: numbers 10-8 can be viewed over at Thunder Matt's Saloon here.

It only seems fitting that I bring out #4 of our list today, as last night's MNF game was loaded with them. That's right, the Number Four play on our list is Horribly Ugly Uniforms...no that's not right. #4 goes to the Kick Return for a Touchdown. Last night the special teams defense was horrible as a record tying 3 kicks were returned for touchdowns including a punt and kickoff return by Denver's Eddie Royal.

Of course the kick return is nothing new to Bears fans. In 2006, Hester set the record for most kicks returned for touchdowns in a season, helping lead the Bears to the Super Bowl in which he of course padded his stats with returning the opening kickoff for a touchdown, another first in NFL history. During that season he also returned a kick for a record-tying 108 yard return against the Giants (although this was off a missed field goal if you remember). He went on in 2007 to return 6 kicks again for touchdowns, tying his own record from the previous year. This year da Bears have another rookie sensation returning kickoffs in Johnny Knox, who has one kick return this season already.



Ginger's greatest #4: Of all Hester's great returns, the top pick has to go to the opening kickoff return in Super Bowl XLI. Although da Bears didn't win, this top play made all of us go bat-shit crazy, as I'm sure it did you as well.


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Idiotic Predictions: FAIL

This weekend in football came down to failed last chance drives for all 3 of my teams - the Bears, NIU and Notre Dame. Angry's alumni, Purdue, shocked the nation by beating #7 Ohio State. Here are some idiotic thoughts:


The girl and I went to Sedona, AZ on Saturday as it was our 1 year anniversary so it was supposed to be a football-free trip. But being the cool girlfriend that she is, she opted to visit the Oak Creek Brewery and have a couple brews rather than walk around downtown and shop for overpriced and shitty-made "red dirt" t-shirts and native american rip-offs. The brewery was unusually packed as they were having there Oktoberfest Festival that day. We ponied up to the bar, right in front of the only tv in the room (which doubled as the room with the huge holding tanks for the micro-brew). The bartender was apparently a ND fan because the game was on, although with it being the start of the 4th quarter they were getting pounded by USC. But as USC continues to prove that they go to college for football and not because they are smart, Notre Dame charged down the field for a final game tying drive with the help of a couple retarded personal fouls by USC. With 1st and goal and only seconds left, Jimmy Montana would show the voters why he deserves the Heisman...or not. Even with the homer call of putting 1 last second on the clock, ND failed to put the ball in the end zone and came up short against the Condoms.


I didn't see the game, but checking the box scores this morning I found out that the NIU game also came down to a final drive down the field, only to lose on a game winning field goal attempt that was blocked by the Rockets. The game ended 19-20, as it was the second kick that Toledo blocked during the day when NIU kicker Mike Salerno missed the extra point conversion in their first touchdown conversion.


Obviously da Bears don't like Sunday night, as both loses have come during the nationally televised games. I won't go into what went wrong because blame can pretty much be put on anyone not named Brown or Olsen. Let's just hope this Rexy-like trend of Cutler having horrible and great games stops as much as the old Turneresque play calling needs to stop.


And finally, the trend of Balloon Boy's Idiotic predictions was a complete sweep of failures as Angry's Boilermakers upset Ohio State. This morning The Herd was rambling about how difficult it is to win on the road for college teams. So since NIU beat Purdue in Indiana and Purdue beat Ohio State, does this mean NIU is better than Ohio State. I think it does.

Bear Down!


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COI Idiotic Predictions: Week 6 - Balloon Boy Makes the Picks

Balloon Boy is the new internet sensation after 'Merica followed the most boring chase scene ever to unravel on news television since, well, yeah that was the most boring. Luckily the kid was found hours later in the attic. He claimed his Dad told him to stay up there for a "show". Not a publicity stunt my ass. We interviewed Ballon Boy for his picks this week.

COI: The Bears really needed an bye week with all those injuries. But they are back fresh to play the Atlanta Falcons in the Sunday Night Matchup, who's your pick.

BB: My name Falcon. Daddy punches me. BLAAAAHHHHH!!!! (throwing up)

COI: Ummm...

BB: Are we on show? Is this show. I like UFO.

COI: Shut the fuck up kid. Okay, well how about Notre Dame vs. USC. Some are saying this game will make or break Jimmy Montana's chances at the Heisman. What do you think?

BB: Stop yelling at me at Daddy.

COI: Okay, why don't you just calm down. NIU travels to Toledo this...

BB: I like Rockets! ALIENS! YEAH!!!

COI: Well, duh, I'm sure your Daddy didn't threaten you with picking Toledo. So Purdue is pretty bad this year and runs up against THE Ohio State Buckeyes.

BB: REEEAAACCCHHHH!!!

COI: Did you say it was a reach that the Boilers would win, or just throwing up again?

BB Dad: This is an OUTRAGE. This post is horrible.

COI: Well, you're right Falcon's dad, but not as horrible as faking the death of your son, or naming him Falcon for that matter. GFY.

Bears 28 - Falcons 17
NIU 32 - Toledo 7
Purdue 2 - Ohio St. 60

Bear Down!


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Top 10: Top 10 Plays, Number Five

This morning I was watching SportsCenter (yes, people do still watch this show) and caught the regular and popular feature, the Top 10 Plays of the Day. It's not an original idea, every sports columnist, show and blogger has their lists of greatness and power rankings. But not the Saloon COI. This got me thinking, the Top 10 Plays are always the same "types" of plays. Sure, once in a great while you may have a new record in the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest that gets on, or possibly a Nascar highlight, but for the most part you really aren't seeing anything that hasn't been done before. And so I bring to the Saloon COI a Top 10 list of my own. Editor's note: numbers 10-8 can be viewed over at Thunder Matt's Saloon here.

Back, back, back, back, back... Robbed!

In at number 5 of my list of Top 10 Plays is the robbed home run in baseball. What makes this play great is that it takes a great deal of athleticism and timing, and can turn what seems like a game changing moment for one team into one for the other team. What makes this defensive baseball play ahead of the diving stop to double play is that it most certainly takes at least one run off the board for the opponent, and even more if there are men on base. What also makes this a great play is that not every outfielder can make this type of play. You think Soriano or Manny are thrown into the outfield for their defense?

What else makes the robbed home run great? Well, it takes away souvenirs from assholes like this guy: Happy Youngster. If you haven't heard his story yet, I will use this post to expose you to the biggest douchebag fan, EVER! And, yes, I'm including Ronny Woo Woo. Here's the back story, this "kid" (he's 30 years old) goes around and tries to catch as many home run balls possible. Not too bad you say? Well, even though the guy caught over 370 balls this season alone (that's including batting practice) he apparently needs to keep all those balls to himself. It's not bad enough that this asshole refuses to give the caught balls to kids around him, but on one night he caught Chris Coghlan's first ever home run, and then held it for ransom. According to Coghlan, he demanded, "an autographed baseball by Coghlan, a personalized Coghlan bat, an autographed Ramirez bat and — to top it all off — tickets to the Yankees/Marlins series in South Florida in June. He also wanted his photograph taken with Coghlan, whose name the man mispronounced even though he pretended to be a fan by wearing a Marlins cap.“ Oh, yeah, the guy is a Brewers fans. To give Brewer Nation credit though, they hate him too. (Google his name for more reactions, it's hilarious.)

So that was a little segue from the Top 10, but who cares?


Ginger's greatest #5: Reed Johnson is known in Wrigleyville as the man of a thousand catches, but his greatest in my mind was when he robbed Prince Fielder of his first ever grand slam on national tv.


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COI Idiot and Hero of the Year

Wow, those playoffs are exciting, huh? Three of the four series were swept with the Dodgers, Angels and Yankees all advancing to the pennant series. I won't even go into how bad Angry's and mine predictions were for the end of the year. But we do have some awards to hand out.

Bradley tries out for his new team during Spring Training in the Grapefruit League

Towards the end of the year we polled you, the loyal readers, on who you thought was the COI Idiot and Hero of the Year. It was a close race for the Idiot at first, with "Other" getting most the votes until Bradley went bat-shit crazy, called out his team and was suspended for the rest of the season. Bradley finished the voting with 50% of the 34 votes placed. Yeah, this one was pretty obvious...unless of course you already forgot about Bradley, who everyone at the Cub Reporter's similar poll has, as 40% of their readers think Soriano should be the Cubs LVP. And we're the Idiotic Blog?

The other votes, what no Miley Cyrus?

"Other" finished 2nd in our poll with 7 votes, including: milton bradley (apparently we have another one on the team that doesn't capitalize his name), hanna montana (good choice!), Paul Sullivan (surely Bad Kermit's vote), Daniel Kamen (uhhh...?), cub fans (most likely Mr. Dolan's vote), Aramis (LAZY) Ramierez (dislocating your shoulder is apparently, "LAZY") and neil cotts (don't be too hard on your boy, Mrs. Cotts). Also receiving votes were Soriano and Gregg with 4 a piece and Cubs management with 1 each for Lou and Hendry.

Shortly after posting this picture, Jim Hendry ate it, claiming, "I love pie!"

Surprisingly, no one voted for Miles, who is receiving 20% of the vote over at the Cub Reporter. This is surprising because it means are that our readers are actually intelligent fans, or at least smarter than 20% of the readers over at TCR. Let's put it this way, if you were putting the entire season in the hands of Aaron Miles, then you sir are an Idiot, and not the cool kind like us. This blows my mind, there are actually 24 people who voted over at TCR that think that the Cubs season might have ended on a positive note and possible 3rd straight year in the playoffs if only Ocho the Unlucky (that's Miles) would have played better. This is why people think that Cubs fans are retarded, because a lot of the time they are. There, are you happy Andy? I said it, I hate most Cubs fans.

Math Lesson for Sox Fans: 0% of 0 is 0!

Okay, no need to get my panties in a bunch (note to self, panties not as comfortable as boxers). Let's look at the positive side of things. I must admit, I was on the "Trade Derrek Lee" train just as much as the rest of you guys at the beginning of the season. The dude is old, is one year away from the end of his contract and his OPS had declined in the last 4 full seasons. Last year we changed his nickname from D-Lee to DP-Lee for all the double plays he hit into and the beginning of this year we changed it again to WTP-Lee for all the warning track (power) balls he was hitting. But Lee proved that just like Ron Jeremy, you should never count out a man with a huge penis.

Lee poses with his Official COI Hero Shirt! Not in picture: Lazy Steve holding gun to Derrek's back.

Lee finished the year with impressive numbers and was even named the NL Player of the Month for September, in which he led the Majors with a .386 average (32-for-83) with nine home runs, 23 RBIs, a .795 slugging percentage and .500 on-base percentage. Lee hit 11 homers in his final 30 games of the season. Just like the COI Idiot of the Year, the choice was obvious for the Hero, as you guys chose him an overwhelming 69% of the time. Pitchers Randy Wells, who some were calling the NL ROY and lone All Star representative Ted Lilly also received votes.

Look for the 2009 Cubs COIY's coming soon. Yep, that's our version of the stupid ESPY's.

Bear Down!


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It's Our 401st Post: Now Read Some Other Shit!

You know the drill:

The most informative Twitter account yet.
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Man, spkn of hard 2 red twtr accownts. Lk @ Dvn Hestr'z.
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In case you have missed it, I've putting together a list of the Top 10 Sports Plays. Here are some more Top 10 lists, including such classics as Top 10 ping pong shots of all-time.
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This is why you don't let your Mom clean your room after you move out.
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According to Google, Brett Favre is...I don't disagree.
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This is exactly what I imagine every hot career woman does at the end of the day.
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Fucking Hitler meme is at it again, this time about Mayor Daley losing the Olympics.
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In case you haven't seen it yet, the fastest ball boy in the NFL.
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I fucking love midgets.

Tune in next week!


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Top 10: Top 10 Plays, Number Six

This morning I was watching SportsCenter (yes, people do still watch this show) and caught the regular and popular feature, the Top 10 Plays of the Day. It's not an original idea, every sports columnist, show and blogger has their lists of greatness and power rankings. But not the Saloon COI. This got me thinking, the Top 10 Plays are always the same "types" of plays. Sure, once in a great while you may have a new record in the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest that gets on, or possibly a Nascar highlight, but for the most part you really aren't seeing anything that hasn't been done before. And so I bring to the Saloon COI a Top 10 list of my own. Editor's note: numbers 10-8 can be viewed over at Thunder Matt's Saloon here.

The great catch in football is a lot like number 7 in my list (diving stop to double play) in that it requires a great deal of athleticism, a little luck and even though you've seen a thousand different great football catches it "makes your weiner tingle" almost every time. There's not much to explain about the great football catch, you pretty much know it when you see it. Let's put it this way, if you see a catch and yell, "DAMN! That shit is going to be on SportCenter!" then it's a great catch. Some players have made their careers on great catches: Jerry Rice, Lynn Swann, Ocho Cinco, and until he shot himself in the leg and became NY's poster boy for illegally carrying a handgun, Plaxico Burress. So instead of just writing more words which you aren't going to read anyways, here are the Top 10 Circus Catches of All Time, as brought to you by the inspiration for this series, ESPN.




Ginger's greatest #6: This goes to Lazy Steve, who can catch a football one-handed with a beer in the other hand better than any pro ever could. I couldn't even show you a video if I had one, because it would just end up BLOWING YOUR MIND!!!


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The Jason Marquis Effect

His father owned a check cashing business, who knew Jews were good with money?

Today the Rockies start their NLDS series with the Phillies with a player who is pretty familiar with the playoffs (at least getting there), Jason Marquis. Since 2003, Marquis has played on four different teams: the Braves (00-03), Cardinals (04-06), Cubs (07-08) and currently the Rockies. Each year Marquis has been on those respective teams, that team has made the playoffs. And even though Marquis has only pitched in 4 of those nine years (a couple years he wasn't even on the playoff rosters), it's still a pretty consistent record for a mediocre player who has played for so many different teams.

So while the Cubs go back and look at what went wrong this past season, particularly during the past offseason, they might only have to look towards the trade, or dropping to be exact, of Marquis this past offseason. Jason, or Marquis du Suc, as we liked to refer to him, was not particularly liked by Cubs fans while he was a player and it wasn't till his trade that Cubs blogs began to sing his praises. But most fans will still remember that he was basically a serviceable 5th starter, unfortunately one that was making $10 million a year. While the trade needed to be made to make salary room for the greatest Cubs player ever, Milton Bradley, the Cubs might as well have gotten a gift certificate to Dave and Busters in return.

If you’re looking for a better steak in an arcade setting, you are shit out of luck.

Luis Vizcaino didn't even make it out of April for the Cubs before he was designated for assignment. Meanwhile with the Rockies, Marquis was named to the All Star Game and won 15 games (which would have led the Cubs by 3 games) despite posting a +4 ERA. He has been moved to the Rockies bullpen for the NLDS (we'll see if he fairs any better than he did for the Cubs last year).

And so I once again reiterate the Jason Marquis Effect (I discussed it once before over at TMS). Like the Butterfly Effect, the theory is mostly understood, an anomaly, wrapped in an enigma, baked inside in a quandary... similar to a turducken. It can't be precisely explained, but somehow what would seem like a bad idea comes out as a tasty delight. So you can have all your theories about why the Cubs had a horrible 2009 season: lack of production, injuries, a shitty bullpen, but I'm sticking with mine, the Jason Marquis Effect.

Bear Down!


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Wait, There Was A Football Game Last Night?

Yesterday was a kinda a big day, a day that Colin Cowherd called, "bigger than the Presidential election". Yep, it was the game in which Brett Wrangler of the Minnesota Favre's faced off against his former team, the Green Gay Fudge Packers. Crybaby would finally get his chance to avenge his horrible dismissal from Wisconsin, because you know, every team likes not knowing if their quarterback is going to play until right before the season starts. Obviously you know the story, and if you don't you're just some pervert that landed on this site because you were looking for naked pictures of Adam Archuletta's playmate wife. Besides being what is sure to be the largest television rating since the finale of M.A.S.H., the game also had big implications for the Bears. If Minnesota won, the Bears would be in sole possession of 2nd place in the NFC North. If they lost they would be tied for first with the tie-breaker going to the Packers (for now).


So I HAD to watch this game, right? FUCK NO! You know what I did instead? I watched Heroes and then went out for a nice dinner. Yeah, you remember that show. Well apparently now everyone is trying to be good and tell the truth. I still have no idea what's going on with the show, but let me tell you, I'm sure it was a million times less annoying than listening to the Brett Favre suckfest that was going on in that booth last night. And if I am wrong, please let me know.

I woke up this morning feeling great, free of all of the Favrah Goo that I am sure would be oozing out of my ears if I had watched the game last night. I guess the Favre's won and to be honest I really don't care. I'm just disappointed a meteor didn't hit the Metrodome and kill both teams.

Bear Down!


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Top 10: Top 10 Plays, Number Seven

This morning I was watching SportsCenter (yes, people do still watch this show) and caught the regular and popular feature, the Top 10 Plays of the Day. It's not an original idea, every sports columnist, show and blogger has their lists of greatness and power rankings. But not the Saloon COI. This got me thinking, the Top 10 Plays are always the same "types" of plays. Sure, once in a great while you may have a new record in the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest that gets on, or possibly a Nascar highlight, but for the most part you really aren't seeing anything that hasn't been done before. And so I bring to the Saloon COI a Top 10 list of my own. Editor's note: numbers 10-8 can be viewed over at Thunder Matt's Saloon here.

Few plays in sports have the ability to change a team's momentum: the short-handed goal in hockey, the pick-6 in football (interception for a touchdown) are a couple. So is number 7 in my list of Top 10: Top 10 Plays, the diving stop to double play. While this play is not as rare as first three plays listed in our Top 10, it's game changing result puts it ahead of the others.

Number 7 in our list includes two great factors which make it amazing: the athleticism of the 2nd baseman/short stop/3rd baseman, and the ability to turn that athleticism into a game changing moment. Sure, most of your professional athletes have the ability to make diving stops (sorry Theriot, I'm not talking about you), but how many can turn that into a truly memorable play? The diving stop is only great not by helping out the team by turning a double into a single or preventing a runner from going home, but when it turns that play into two outs.

Defense in baseball is often debated as whether or not it can be used to measure a player's worth. While most of us would like to have a Tori Hunter on our team, we often just settle for an Adam Dunn. But infield defense, particularly up the middle, can make or break a game. Don't believe me? Who do most people blame for the Cubs not being able to beat the Marlins? Of course, Steve Bartman. So you see my point, even though Alex Gonzalez was an above-average short stop that year, his botched double play kept the season alive for the Marlins and killed it for Cubs.

Inevitably it seems the diving stop to double play is seen during almost every Top 10 Plays of the day on ESPN, but that does not make the play any less amazing, which is why it is Numero Siete on our list.

Ginger's greatest #7: While I would be retarded to not hype up Andy White, the namesake of my Andy White Fan Club, and his diving stop to ass throwing out Jeff Francoeur in New York, the play was in fact not a double play, although it was claimed by many, including Uncle Lou, as one of the greatest plays ever. Instead of a single play, I nominate a group of players for the Cubs whose defense was so well known it became part of a poem that is recognizable even today. So Tinkers, Evans and Chance, the players who inspired the poem, "Baseball's Sad Lexicon" is my choice for greatest diving stop to double play.

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Reflections Are For Idiots, So Here Is Ours.

This morning I came into work and noticed that a design I had been working on was missing from my computer. When I asked about why my computer was on in the first place, after the IT guy told me that I should be shutting it down over the weekend, he told me that he had turned it on and "cleaned it up" by emptying out the trash of my computer (that's the Mac version of the Recycle Bin). Unfortunately, the file I had been working on was on the desktop before I left for the weekend and in my haste had accidentally moved it to the trash when I was cleaning up the desktop, and the file was now obliterated back to the original ones and zeroes from which is was created (which is why I never empty the trash myself). So this morning I begin recreating the design from memory until I decided to just scrap it and start on something new. The design would of course have the same intentions and basework as the first, only fresher and better.

And so with the 2009 Cubs season now "officially" over, I use this Monday morning fuck up by my co-worker (and myself) as an analogy for the Cubs season. The past offseason was supposed to move the Cubs past 2 straight years of 3 and out from the playoffs, bring in the much needed (or so we thought) left-handed hitting and propel the Cubs to a World Series Championship. Hendry went out and built on a design that was almost perfect by acquiring Bradley and Miles (both of whom if you remember had career years in 2008). Everyone was calling for the Cubs to be the team to beat in 2009. Vegas odds had the Cubs 5-2 for a World Series victory, better than any other team in MLB.

But as we wake up today we find that all the hard work is now in the trash, only a memory of what we thought was going to be great. But looking back the design had many flaws. Bradley was a bust and talked has talked himself out of Chicago (although still with $20 million left on his contract that no one will come close to picking up). For some reason we thought Groggles was our answer for closer, and while pundits kept calling for the Marmot, he wasn't that much better. Sure injuries helped break down the team this year (as was documented by the Curse of the Cubs Calendar), but a good team learns how to fight through it. Remember, we did get Ramirez back with still half the season left.

So today we start anew. I'm sure we will see more moves, but our spine is still intact. We bring back Zambrano, Lee and Ramirez, the core leaders of the team. Soriano will work harder this offseason and the surgery should help whatever problems he claimed to be having. Plus Lou has no doubts about batting him farther down in the lineup finally. We will see if Soto's sophomore slump was a result of smoking too much pot and eating too many twinkies. And we have some promise in some new faces from '09 in Wells, Baker and Fox.

Sure, 2009 was far from perfect. The team did finish a third season above .500 though, something that hasn't happened since 1972. Lou will be back next year, despite a lot of people calling for his resignation. 2010 will bring another decade to the Cubs and too us. Spring Training can't come soon enough (don't fuck it up Mesa!). Hopefully you will be able to make it out to AZ from wherever you are. The Idiots will be out in full force, representing at every weekend home game. Come out and visit us if you like, as long as you can put your pretentiousness aside, only people that enjoy a good beer, food and a relaxing ball game are invited (sorry Al Yellon, you can GFY).

A couple more posts about the Idiots and Heroes of the year based upon your voting and then COI will be in full Bears, NIU, Purdue and occasional Bulls and Blackhawks mode. So have yourself a beer, the 2009 season is over and the Cubs still don't have a ring, but hey, we're Cubs fans, this is nothing new. Just wait until next year.

Go Cubs!


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COI Idiotic Predictions: Week 4

Week 4 and the second installment of the bi-monthly feature at COI, the Idiotic Predictions Show. I was pretty dead-on for my first predictions...or not. I did predict the Bears to win, but here's a shocker, just like Lazy Steve takes the Bears at 16 points in his confidence pool every week, I will pick the Bears to always win.

So this week the Bears take on the super-hot Lions at home. This was a game that I was supposed to be taking my Dad to for his birthday because he has never been to a Bears game before. But as the Bears have real fans (unlike the fans here in Phoenix, GREAT tickets still available for your defending NFC Champs), ticket prices were way beyond my means or even what my Dad was comfortable me paying for, I will be watching the game at home with the other Idiots and transplanted Bears fans.

Last week the Bears barely overcame the Chicago Cubs of the NFL, the Seahawks. (because of the injuries, get it?) Here's a recommendation for future teams playing the Bears, don't attempt field goals. This week I predict the Bears will have to rally another come-from-behind victory because the Bears play up or down to their competition. The line is at 10, so if you're a gambling man, take the points. Cutler will throw 3 picks but the defense will return the favor with 3 take-aways of their own. Everyone's favorite new player, Knox, will return a kick for a touchdown, only to have it called back on a block in the back. Fuckers! Gould will again kick the winning field goal.

Bears 17 - Lions 15.

Now onto the alma maters. Last week Purdon't was raped in the last minutes of the game by my other favorite college team, Notre Dame (suck it TMS). This week they host Northwestern who hasn't been good since my cousin played there and they went to the Rose Bowl. Congrats Purdue, you finally get a win since your home opener.

Purdue 31 - Northwestern 6.

This week NIU hosts Western Michigan for their homecoming. Mama, I'm not coming home (sung to the tune of Ozzy) since Bears tickets are friggin' way too much. Coach Kill (best name ever) has done a pretty good job with the Huskies this year, beating Purdue and barely losing to the powerhouses that are Idaho and Wisconsin. I predict a good game, even though NIU seems to always lose on Homecoming Weekend (no factual basis for this statement). Probably all those Kegs and Eggs. I predict a tough lose though.

W Michigan 27 - NIU 20.

Well there you have. Call the bookies because the Ginger is never wrong!* And if you notice an increase in posts at COI, it's because my internship over at Thunder Matt's Saloon is over. Look for more exciting articles about topics such as parking, tacos, and the new feature, the Top 10: Top 10 Plays, which numbers 10-8 can be read here.

Go BearsBoilersHuskies!

*The Ginger is often wrong.


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Sox Fans: Keeping It Classy

One of my favorite new segments of a blog I love to hate to love is Hire Jim Essian's (I designed a logo and all I got was this lousy t-shirt) Skip's Comment of the Week. Here at COI, we don't get much comments, because, well, we don't have many readers (even the other Idiots don't read the site anymore). But this comment popped up in my inbox earlier this week about a story I had written about Mark Buehrle's perfect game earlier this year. It's from "anonymous", like I can't track down your IP when we only have 5 readers to the site:

You need to be shot through the face repeatedly with a hunting rifle.

"Anonymous", while wanting to shoot me in the face did apparently enjoy reading the blog though, as he perused a couple more articles, and left this other gem on a post I wrote about the end of season predictions:

You're pretty bold for being a fucktard and getting no comments whatsoever.

At first I questioned whether or not this was an actual Sox fans, as he/she can actually spell, knows words longer than 4 characters, and can use proper apostrophe's. But after further investigation, I found that there are literate Sox fans (the President and my Mom are a couple), even if this particular one didn't give valid points about their arguments and basically just threatened me and called me names.

So congratulations, "Anonymous", you are the first winner of the COI Comment of the Week (an original idea which has no basis or comparison to HJE's Skip's Comment of the Week).


Update: John and Steve at WAIW found "Anonymous" at O'Hare and posted a picture of him on their blog. Thanks guys!

Bear Down!


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