Hitler Finds Out Mark DeRosa Is Traded To The Cardinals

A very special thanks to Bad Kermit at HJE, who without his genius I would have no ideas to steal and claim as my own.

Go Cubs!


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COI Video of the Moment: Cubs Fans React to the Mark DeRosa Trade To St. Loius

Please click on the image for the video, YouTube are bastards!

Really!?!

When I came into work today, I followed my regular routine. Since I sit in front of computer all day, when I'm not at work, I don't touch anything with keys except my phone. So this morning I checked my emails for the weekend and then launched my Google Reader. Reader is the greatest discovery I've had on the internet since tube8.com. I like to keep up with the blogs, and with over 75 Cubs blogs, it's a seemingly impossible task without Reader.

With the eventful weekend: the Cubs/Sox series, the Lou/Milty soap opera, some Idiot at a real newspaper calling for the release of Big Z, I figured the blogs would be full posts discussing these topics.

NOPE!

What I did find was every Cubs fan and their mother freaking out about the trade of Mark DeRosa to the Cardinals. Oh My Fucking God! Hell has fucking frozen over. What was a side-note to yesterday's debacle against the Sox, one that Lazy Steve and I discussed for maybe...oh, 2 seconds is the biggest news to hit the Cublogoverse since, well, I don't know. BECAUSE IT"S THAT FUCKING BIG!

Exhibit A: Caution! R-Rated Post!!! from One Minute Cubs by MGb

Fuck you Jim Hendry. Fuck you, fuck your mother, and fuck your dog. Bounce balls off your fucking chin, you worthless piece of cock sucking dog shit. This is the pretty little bow on your dismal clusterfucking failure of an offseason.

That's right. Mark DeRosa is now sleeping with the enemy, and more importantly, the Cardinals are about to bend you over a fucking rail and make you their bitches.

Wow! Even we don't use that bad of language at COI. You see MGb is pissed because he now has to paint his Mark DeRosa dildo Cardinal red. He was okay with gray and blue of the Indians, but the thought of the Mark DeRosa's little head going in and out of his asshole and seeing a little Cardinal's jersey on the shaft sticking out of his ass is just too much for him to handle.

Exhibit B: The Worst Trade since Brock for Broglio from GoatRiders of the Apocalypse - by Jason

* Fact: the Cubs are BELOW .500 this year and last year they were ABOVE .500.
* Fact: In yesterday's game, Marmol's eye's wandered to the Cubs dugout in search of his scruffy leader. But there was no DeRosa. Marmol proceeded to cough up the lead.
* Fact: Bradley did not catch the double that lead to the winning run scoring. GEE, I wonder if it would have helped to have DeRosa in right field.

The thing is, GRA is actually a really well written and respectable blog. For the other authors of the site to let Jason actually post this garbage is amazing. Wait, this just in, Jason is Phil Roger's pseudonym at GRA. Well that makes more sense, because nothing about his post does. Let me explain Jason's argument (and 95% of Cub fans), in classic Homer Simpson logic, proving that rocks keep tigers away:

Lisa: “By your logic, I could claim that this rock keeps tigers away.”
Homer: “Hmm; how does it work?”
Lisa: “It doesn’t work; it’s just a stupid rock!”
Homer: “Uh-huh.”
Lisa: “… but I don’t see any tigers around, do you?”
Homer, after a moment’s thought: “Lisa, I want to buy your rock…”

Fortunately, there are some voices of reason. Rob G. over at The Cub Reporter makes the most convincing and realistic argument about the DeRosa trade. Through intelligence and actual research (unlike COI posts) Rob theorizes that keeping DeRosa this year would net 2-4 more wins over the entire season. So having DeRosa would be like not putting in Marmol with a one run lead 2-4 times over the year.

I agree with most Cub fans, including Rob G., that keeping DeRosa would have helped this team this year. But no one would have predicted the amount, or lack thereof, of hitting this team would have this year. Sure, when you put up DeRosa's numbers to the rest of the Cubs, he would be our 2nd - 3rd best offensive threat. And apparently that's what he is at St. Louis as well, with La Russa putting DeRo in the cleanup spot on Sunday. Of course he also bats his pitcher in the 8 hole, so whatever.

But if you took the day off of work because you are still in mourning, or have given up on this team because you think the Cardinals are now going to fuck us all in the ass, I would like to remind you of a little guy by the name of Elias Coblentz. You might not remember Elias, but last year when Jim Edmonds was traded to the Cubs, Elias did what most of you assholes are doing, and was flipping out. You can't view the video anymore, because Elias got too much f(l)ame from Cub fans. Luckily, Andy over at Desipio was smart enough to transcribe the video. I suggest you read it and pretend it's you in that chair talking about how bad of a decision the DeRosa trade was.

Now go and look at yourself in the mirror, reach down with your left hand in between your legs and grab those dingleberries you used to call your balls. Are they still there? If so, then throw out that tampon that's stuck up your ass and GET THE FUCK OVER IT! If not, well, I hear A League of Her Own is looking for some new bloggers to write about Cub's players asses and abs.


Go Cubs!

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That's It Calendar, Take Off Your Jersey And Go Home!

If you have this calendar at home, I urge you to burn it!

I've had enough. I have discussed my cursed Cubs calendar before on a couple occasions. Either the player of the month has been traded or has been injured for that month. Last month was Zambrano, who went on the DL during May. This month it's Soriano.

"But Ginger, Soriano isn't injured?"

No, but he might as well be. Sure the calendar was all fun and games when it traded away Rich Hill (Mr. March) and Felix Pie (Mr. November). So what? But then Mark DeRosa (Mr. January) was traded. Now it was stepping on some toes. But when it took out Aramis in April and then Z last month it was crossing the line.

Like a good manager, though, I gave it one more chance. Well calendar, take off your jersey and go home. This month Soriano has hit .187 BA with a .260 OBP. It's the worst stretch of his career. And I'm blaming you calendar!

So I did what any good GM would do. The calendar has been traded. Today I ordered a new 2009 Cubs calendar (along with a hat and a book) and the old, cursed one will be sacrificially burned to rid the Cubs of any more bad ju-ju. Don't worry Ted Lilly (Mr. July) the calendar won't be able to hurt you now.

Yes Steve, you were right, I was wrong. You are smart, I am stupid. You are attractive, I'm not very good looking. Blah, blah, blah.

Go Cubs!


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Soto Pulls A Michael Phelps

From ESPNChicago:

Chicago Cubs catcher Geovany Soto said he has been informed by the International Baseball Federation that he tested positive for marijuana at the World Baseball Classic.

"While I fully acknowledge my inappropriate behavior, I want to assure my fans and my family that this was an isolated incident," Soto said in a statement released by the Cubs. "I do not say this to minimize or deflect from my conduct and I fully understand the ramifications of my actions. I have and will accept any and all consequences.

"I am fully dedicated to the game of baseball and my teammates, and I apologize for any distraction and embarrassment this may cause them."

The Cubs released a statement while playing the Tigers in Detroit.

"Geovany assured the organization this was an isolated incident and a misstep in judgment that will not be repeated," the statement read. "Though surprised and disappointed, the club supports Geovany as he takes responsibility for his actions and accepts the consequences."

Soto, who is the reigning National League rookie of the year, played for Puerto Rico in the WBC.

So THAT'S why he looked so pudgy in the WBC. Although, I think they prescribe marijuana for shoulder injuries in CA, so maybe it was medicinal.


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Happy 25th Anniversary Ryno Day!

Finally a voice of reason. On the anniversary of the "Ryne Sandberg Game", Ryno appeared on the "Waddle and Silvy" show and was asked whether Sosa belongs in the Hall of Fame. "I don't think so," he said.

Here are some quotes:

"They use the word 'integrity' in describing a Hall of Famer in the logo of the Hall of Fame, and I think there are gonna be quite a few players that are not going to get in...

"I did admire the hard work he put in. He was one of the first guys down to the batting cage, hitting extra. I figured he was working out hard in the offseason to get bigger. It was just happening throughout the game, that even myself was blinded by what was really happening, maybe starting in the '98 season.

"Players participated in it and, as the names have come out, I think that they will be punished for that.

"I think it has to be spoken very loud and clear on the stance, and baseball needs to stand as they have.

"For the society, for the up-and-coming players and youth out there, I don't think those guys should be recognized at all."

Now, let's say someone else close to Sosa was asked about his "alleged" use. Let's just say maybe that guy is a manager as well. Let's just say that guy likes to chew tooth picks. Can you guess who I'm talking about?

Here are his quotes:

"The worst part for me is that I don't know what to tell my son.

"Who knows if it's real or not, and if it is real, still, what do you say?

"I had no way of telling because I had never seen it. They asked me the same thing in San Francisco. I don't think any manager knows."

If there was ever a case of classy versus ass-fucker, this would be it. Ryno's answer's are articulate, well thought-out and are harsh but fair. Dusty's answers are what his answers always are, no matter what the question is. First, he hides behind his son. Then he pleads ignorance and then denies it.

So GFY Dusty! I won't even bother with you anymore. This is Ryno's day. I suggest you celebrate by heading over to Thunder Matt's Saloon and reading my first post as an Intern for the Bartenders.

Go Cubs!


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Cubs Sweep! or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Kerry Wood.

When COI last left the Cubs, we were crying in our collective Lagunitas Hop Stoopid's (the Official Beer of COI), and hoping that JDot could break his curse of 13 loses in a row and that the Cubs could avoid being swept by the dreaded Meth Heads. Wow! What a difference a weekend makes.

Similar to the TLFC and Jason Waddell, the COI trip to Flagstaff for the Made In The Shade Beer Festival has left me hungover and on the DL with a non-baseball related medical issue. While a hardy post about the Cubs is in order (WTF Ginger, gambling and beer?), I apology if this post falls short. Hey, not all of us can get other people to make up our posts...or can we?

Introducing the return of Slappy. Glad to have you back!

So I missed most of the Cubs this weekend. I left on Friday to go to Flag with the Cubs down 0-6. And just like I missed the Cubs greatest comeback of last year, I missed it again this year. I didn't believe it when the other Idiots told me the Cubs won (yes, they are still alive, although continue to remain on paid sabbatical. That's what you get when you have one good year and you get a good contract, no one wants to participate anymore unless it's to call me out).

Andy White attempts his own version of the Electric Slide

On Saturday, some heavy pre-drinking for Beer Fest was in order (and coffee retrieving, it seems the GF got wind of my internship over at TMS) but with the magic of XM we were able to catch the first 8 innings of the game. Another close one, and the Cubs were tied when we finally set off for some real drinking. I was able to catch the end of the game on my phone, thanks to Verizon's very cool web app, and was happy when Andy White (post to come) was part of the Cub's rally from behind (take that cubbiejulie)!

Apparently no one told Fatty Cub fans it is impolite to point.

Sunday I arrived home in time to catch the Cubs on tv. Finally! Only I neglected to check to make sure that the game was on WGN, which it wasn't. So again I was forced to "watch" the game on my phone while actually watching the Ice Road Truckers (the Official Reality Show of COI) marathon on The History Channel and feeding my beer hangover/coma with Gatorade G2 (the Official Electrolyte Supplement of COI) and massive doses of ibuprofen. Luckily the game was pretty uneventful, and the Cubs finally let Mr. Wells get his first MLB W.

The Cubs are now in 3rd place and share the same amount of loses as the first place Cards.

Even with the shades, McDreamy's eyes still produce a glare on cameras, or maybe that's the vaginal juice from the collective of female Cub fans.

One thing which I obviously did not see this weekend, although have read all about, is the love for DeRosa and Kid K this weekend. As a Cub fan, I appreciate that the fans gave a well-deserved round of applause to these guys on their trip back to Chicago. But to keep clapping for DeRosa is ridiculous. All these fans need a collective slap in the face. Can we PLEASE stop using the DeRosa trade and giving away of Kerry as the downfall of the club? Has it made the Tribe a better club? Did McDreamy hit 50 home runs off us? Did Kerry strike out everyone he faced?

Thanks again Kerry!

NO! So STFU! Yes, DeRosa would have been nice to have this year, especially with E-Ramis going down, but he's not exactly putting up the same numbers as during his Cubs tenure. And letting Woody go is looking to be more of a genius move than expected. I love Kid K, and will always appreciate what he did for the Cubs. In fact I still love him and appreciate all he continues to do for the Cubs. Maybe he still felt bad for being injured all those years. In fact, I take what I said back, clap all you want for Wood. We can thank him directly for 2 of those last 4 wins. Last year if he gives up those runs, he would have been the COI Idiot of the Moment, but in 2009, it looks as though he will be accepting the COI Hero of the Moment award instead.

And finally, a couple weeks ago I was wondering if the Cubs were going to have any memorable games this year. You know, like the Top 10 Games of 2008 that Angry Mike recapped from last year. Up until the comeback against Minnesota, it was looking like that this year the highlight reel would be more like a bloopers reel. So in the new COI tradition, I ask you, the reader, which game so far has been your favorite? It doesn't have to be the Saturday game, maybe it was a game you attended and you found the 5 pound pretzel. Either way, let us know.

Go Cubs!


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"If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs."

The Idiots are off to the Made In The Shade Beer Tasting Festival in Flagstaff, so there will be no post today. This is isn't a post. Okay it's a post. Nothing says drinking at 8,000 feet above sea level.

This Dogfish Head 90 Minute IPA's for you!

As your attorney, I recommend you drink beer. Good beer. Posts about the Cubs great comeback against the Sox after the jump...and by jump I mean the weekend.

"Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you'd step over your own mother just to get one! But you can't stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!"
Homer Simpson

Go Cubs!


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I'm Betting That I Enjoy My Sports More Than You

All these people are obviously just here to enjoy a well played basketball game. So what are those numbers on that big board over there?

"My God," you say, "STFU with all the steroid talk." Sorry, really I am. So I will make this short and simple, or at least try. And really it's not even about steroids, just ignorant bloggers.

I was reading a post about steroids by MB21 over at ACB and came across this quote:

That’s not what I want I want to write about. I just want to explain my point of view as best I can. I’ve always looked at sports as entertainment. It’s a good way to waste some time. It’s no different than going to the movies. Obviously people waste varying amounts of time on sports and movies, but the point is that both are diversions.

I hate to be the devil's advocate (okay, I LOVE being the devil's advocate) but sports are much more than just entertainment. And let me prove my point by glancing over to the sidebar over at ACB. Here is the list of "friends" of ACB:


So the top four friends of your blog are either betting sites, which include on baseball, or sites where you can get odds on placing bets. The last time I checked, I couldn't bet on the movies (real gamblers know this is a lie, you can bet on the Oscars, but just go with me on this). While gambling on sports is "illegal" in the United States, it still manages to be a multi-billion, if not trillion dollar industry. Of course the players don't care if you're going to cover that parlay, but if they are using PED's, they are cheating, they are therefore affecting the outcome of the game. As a former sports gambler (I only do legit gambling nowadays) I would like to have the peace of mind that everything is even on both sides (unless my team is doing the cheating, which in that case it's okay).

But I'm moving away from my point. Sports are more than just entertainment. Players that boost their numbers make a shit load of money in endorsements, the teams make even more in advertising revenue, and bookies win out over them all. MB21 is obviously not a gambler, but the site he writes for clearly endorses it. Tell the guy who just lost his house gambling on sports that it "doesn't matter". Or better yet, try telling that to your bookie when you refuse to pay.

UPDATE: Deadspin covered this a couple days ago, but read the original story and prove to me that sports are just entertainment. Dude lost $38,000 because of a pigeon. Now that's entertainment.

BTW, the top friends of COI are: Smirnoff Vodka, Firestone Walker, Family Guy and Puppies.

Go Cubs!


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Get Your News: Three Articles For The Price Of One!

Now go sit back down on the bench and let the grown-ups play. Uncle Lou will let you run the bases after the game is over.

In Future News: The Sox sweep the Cubs in their own park, much to the chagrin of Cub fans everywhere. The Cubs are now 2 games under .500 and it looks like not even assigning the black guy from Ghostbusters as hitting coach can save the Cubs, as they were held to one run on five hits over the rain-shortened series.

John Danks held the Cubs scoreless for seven-plus innings, striking out nine. More impressive was Gavin Floyd's outing, who no-hit the Cubs through 8-1/3 innings before walking the his next two batters in the ninth. With only a one run lead, Ozzie Guillan called in Bobby Jenks. Jenks proceeded to strike out the final two batters, giving the White Sox their first no hitter since Mark Burhrle in 2006 and combined no hitter since 1976, by Blue Moon Odom and Francisco Barrios.

Carlos Zambrano also dominated on the mound, only giving up 3 hits and no earned runs in his eight innings of pitching. The only run scored by the Sox was plated on an error by Aaron Miles, who was quoted after the game as saying, "I want to do everything possible to let my former teams win." Miles played for the Sox briefly for eight games in the 2003 season. He was seen after the game walking out of Wrigley Field and holding hands with A.J. Pierzynski.

Zambrano announced his retirement shortly after game, handing over a duffle bag full of cash to Jim Hendry stating, "I'm tired of shit, this is what I owe you for the rest of my contract. I'm going home to see my kids." He then collected for his $100 bet with reporters that bet him he wouldn't retire after his contract was up.

In my hopes of posting this it will rid JDot of his 13 game losing streak going to see the Cubs. It is now my fault if the Cubs lose tomorrow.

Stop looking at me OR I WILL KILL YOU. AARRGGHHH. HULK NO LIKE TIE!!! Como? I'm not on steroids.

In No One Gives A Shit News: It wouldn't be a Cubs blog if we didn't mention Sammy Sosa. Oh wait, we already did that? Apparently someone at the New York Times has the list of people who tested positive for PED's back in 2003 and is slowly leaking the names. On Mike and Mike in the Morning, Golic repeatedly said it would be a travesty to let out the rest of the names, that these were never supposed to be released to the public and it would be equal to going to your employer and telling them something in confidence and then having them tell everyone.

Except it's not anything like that at all. In 2003, MLB finally decided to crack down on PED's. They tested everyone and since there were no rules in place to punish banned substances, no one got in trouble. Then like the asshole that the government is, they got involved and interviewed a select few players who had suspicion of using. Of course nothing came out of this. Players like Bonds claimed he never used steroids. Now there is proof that he actually did but he will never go to jail for contempt. Sosa is the same story.

Whoever failed the tests in 2003 were cheating, fair and simple. Don't tell me it wasn't punishable. It's still cheating. Someone has the names and is going to keep the Steroids Era going on forever until all 104 names are released. Just get it over with. We all know who did steroids and who didn't. Really, the announcement that Clay Aiken is gay was more of a shock to me than Sosa. I'm sure half of those names are players we never even heard of. As for the superstars, they will judged just as the A-Rods and Bonds. And those who aren't on the list will finally be exonerated. Don't we at least owe it the honest players of the game?

Cubs fan opinions are mixed. Even in our poll, it's about even on whether he should be in the HOF or is just a douchebag. Hopefully this is the last of the story though, as I think everyone in Cubdom agrees. I doubt Sosa's lawyers will ever release a statement, as Sosa said he would immediately do if anyone came out with evidence. It will be a sad day in hell though when a douchebag (Sosa) gets into the Hall before a Chicago hero and greatest Cubs fan of all time (Santo). That might actually make me stop watching baseball.

Look, that's me! No YOU Suck!

And finally, in Non-Related Cubs News: I am being stalked by the Ghost of Paul Noce. Today I was going through my Google Reader and came upon this article warning Cub fans not to attend the Crosstown Classic. Look, that's me at a game in Mesa! You should have asked me for a photo, I kindly give them out. It's a great article, I mean nothing says supporting your team like letting the visitor fans have free reign in your own park. Oh wait, that would be like going to a Cubs game at Chase Field.

So, yes, I have a jersey that is personalized with the name Drunk on the back. I am the butt of all jokes from bloggers such as Bleed Cubbie Blue and Hire Jim Essian, who are the only true fans. I am of course am an unemployed, living at home, high school dropout whose hobbies include smoking meth and bowling.

Oh wait, I'm not. I have a Master's degree, am actually employed, made enough money to not only move out of my parents house (which I did when I turned 18) but move to AZ (insert meth smoking here), and don't do drugs. Okay, you got me, I like bowling. At least Al Yellon and Bad Kermit can come cum together on something. But wait, isn't Al unemployed and still manages to write the worst Cubs blog on the Intrawebs? Seriously, you keep a record of how the Cubs do according to which hat you wear, and I'm the joke? GFY.

Go Cubs!


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Cubs vs. Sox: How's about you do my job?

So I'm going to attempt a little experiment over here at COI. I love our little site, and amazingly we actually have some regular readers, and some that pass through from time to time. One thing I do wish our site had though, like many other great Cub blogs, was readership participation. You see, no one leaves comments at our site.* And so here it is: another attempt at what is sure to be another failed experiment. I will put together this post, and then ask you, the reader, to comment to the open question at the end of the post. Don't be afraid, the comments won't bite. And if you're afraid to show your true identity (I understand if you are regular commenter over at HJE, ACB or the like and don't want to be "seen" posting at our seedy site) then just post anonymously. Okay? Okay.

It's finally here. With a mediocre season looming over Cubdom, the fans have something to finally get excited about. Yep, it's Crosstown Classic time again: the Cubs vs. the Sox, the Good Guys vs. the Bad Guys, the Drunks vs. the Meth-Heads. Fortunately, living 1,841 miles (to be exact) away in AZ, I will be unable to attend any the games. I do miss going though. For years before I left to settle in a place where the clouds are as scarce as attractive Brewers fans, I would attend at least one of these games a year, usually on a bus trip through the NIU Employees Credit Union, which was great because although it was hardly a booze cruise, drinking wasn't entirely discouraged.

One year which I remember quite vividly was back in 2003 at Comiskey Park. I recalled the events over at the WAIW Roundtable Week #8 in which we were asked to stake claim to our worst bullpen guy of all time. If you're too lazy to click over there (God knows I would be) here is the excerpt:

Saturday, June 28, 2003, Comiskey Park. The previous day Alf had given up the game losing run in the ninth after the Cubs managed a late rally in the top of the inning to tie the game. This day the Cubs would go into the 8th with a 6-4 lead. The game was pretty much in the bag and my Mom, a Sox fan, was jeering me about how I was going to gloat about the Cubs beating the Sox. "Wait," I told her, "Dusty's putting in Alfonseca, congrats, you just won the game."

Sure enough, Fatty gives up a 2 run shot to Aaron Rowand with 2 outs to tie the game. Sure it was Juan Cruz who took the lost giving up the losing run the next inning, but it was Alf's pitching that deflated the Cubs that day, and my confidence in him forever. Luckily, he would only last till the end of the year with the Cubs, but I've hated that f#@ker ever since. It makes me even more sick when he went on to win a ring with the Phillies last year. Excuse me now, I have to go throw up just thinking about it.

Obviously it was far from my best memory of the Crosstown Classic, as the Cubs lost, but probably the one that stands out the most. So with the series upon us once again, I ask you, fellow readers: What is your most memorable Cubs/Sox experience?

Go Cubs!

*Now that you have gone off the handle Steve, John, JDot, Normand the Haberdasherer III (btw Normand, if that is your real name, if you want to guest post on COI, shoot me an email at collegeofidiots@gmail.com), or Dong Zhang (whatever happened to jenzie1231?) let me say thank you for your continued support.


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COI Idiot of the Moment: Blah Blah Milty

Sometimes I have to stretch to name a COI Idiot of the Moment, sometimes it just falls into your lap. In honor of the Cubs lame play, I will be mailing in this post, just as the Cubs have apparently decided to this season.

Blah, blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah Jenga. Blah blah blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah almost the COI Hero of the Moment blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah baserunning goof. Blah blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah lost the ball in the sun, blah blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah blah blah fucking Idiot blah blah KerPlunk blah blah. Blah blah blah blah Trouble blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah blah COI Idiot of the Moment.

Blah blah!


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Watching the Cubs Is Like Going To An M. Night Shyamalan Movie...

...you already paid to watch it so you stay till the end, it's long and drawn out and the "suspenseful" ending sucks, but you still know when his next movie comes out you will end up seeing it, just to be disappointed again, because one time, a LONG time ago, he made a good movie and you're sure he just can't keep on sucking.


While it was Wandy Rodriguez who was tipping pitches against the Rockies last week, the Cubs must have seen something against Brian Moehler on Tuesday, because the last two games the offense was back to being as fearful of scoring as a 31 year old virgin alone with his girlfriend in his mother's basement while she is out playing all-night bingo at the Moose Lodge.

I won't go into the recaps, because we all know I love recaps. In fact I won't even comment about the last two games at all. Last night I got home from work just in time to see I SPELL MY NAME LIKE A DOUCHE-BAG Blum hit the game winning hit in the ninth. Today I waited and waited and waited. I waited while I had to pee like I just drank a 40 of Old English in 30 seconds. I waited while my stomach growled from hunger pains like it was Nicole Ricci's fetus. I didn't move from my chair, glued to my headphones at work, afraid I miss the game winning hit by Fuki, or Mr. Monopoly, or even Andy White.


But no. Just like the first 84 girls I ever asked out, the Cubs were rejected time and time again. In the past 2 games the only 2 relievers I had confidence in have joined the likes of Gregg, Marmol, and Heilman. The only offense we could get was from WTP Lee. But really, hitting a homer off LaTroy Hawkins is about as easy getting a handjob from Paris Hilton if you were sitting next to her on a flight to Madrid.


Amazing to think that with a team that has the best starting ERA in the NL and the most amount of quality starts that led the NL in runs scored last year is this bad. Or that we are even close to still being in it. If the Cubs win the last 2 games, they would be in first place (or second, does place go by amount of loses or winning percentage? Don't fucking tell me, I don't give a shit. We're in 4th assholes. GFY!) So we can't beat the worst team in the NL Central, and now we have to play the AL. FUCKING GREAT!

Go....oh fuck it!

And now, a horrible joke:

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, “I like both.” “Both?” Engineer: “Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done.”


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COI Video of the Moment: We Believe Trailer

"One of the basic ways of developing character is through loyalty to a lost cause" - Priest Dude

Go Cubs!


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COI Crimes Against Humanity: The Game Recap

What does this video have to do with the Cubs? You have to read to find out! BUWAHAHAHA!

At COI, we like to champion ourselves as the holders of Greatest Cubs Blogroll Ever (a competition we only hold against the great site, Bleacher Nation). I also try to keep up with the Cublogoverse and enjoy what I read for the most part. But there is one type of post which I absolutely despise: The Game Recap. It's almost as stupid as live blogging a rain delay.

Look, if someone has actually taken the time to search out your blog, you can probably assume at least one thing: they are a Cubs fan (and assuming they're internet savvy, they also like to masturbate...a lot). Now granted, not everyone can attend every game, watch it on TV (or the horrible MLB.tv) or listen to it on the radio. You might think you are giving these people that missed the last game some insight into how the game progressed, which players did good, which did bad, how the runs were scored, etc. etc. etc.

Fortunately for the common fan there is a whole medium that already does this. I'm talking about newspapers people. Not only do newspapers offer a Box Score, which shows all the pertinent data involved in the game, they also include stories written by professional writers who actually attended the game (In most cases). These guys actually get paid to do this! If you were so good at writing game recaps, you would be paid for it too.

So maybe you don't read the newspaper. Don't worry, I don't either, and neither did our last president. In fact, I hardly know how to read as it is. If you fall into this category, there is also this thing called the Internet, but you know that. You write on the Internet, just like me (if you can call this writing). Newspapers also publish on the Internet. In fact, you can even read articles from the opposing team's newspapers. Amazing. There is also this website called Cubs.com. They have a brilliant and informative writer named Carrie Muskat. Sometimes she will even personally answer your questions!

So please do me favor, skip the Game Recap. Write about something else instead. Maybe about something interested that happened during the game. Like let's say Marmol walked a batter. WOW, that never happens, write about that. Or maybe D-Lee hit another ball to the warning track. Or how about how much you miss Mark DeRosa or Jason Marquis. What I'm saying is people that are probably better at writing than you are filling me in on what happened in last's night game, and like millions of other fans, I'm probably going to read that instead. You have a blog, make it interesting, or funny or informative, but please don't make it redundant.

Okay, so you still aren't listening (reading?) to what I'm saying. If you MUST do a recap, please do something interesting with it. Come up with a "bit". Let's look at a few good examples:

Bleacher Nation: The Enhanced Box Score (sample here)
See what Ace does here? He doesn't write 6-10 boring paragraphs about the game. He gives you the Box Score and then highlights something interesting and writes a little comment about it. Simple, hilarious, and brilliant.

The Cubs in Haiku (sample here)
Another simple, but brilliant way of handling the game recap. Two or three haiku's (yes, those are poems) about the game, a flag, a record, and a link to the Box Score. This is actually one of my favorite sites, even if they don't link to COI.

CUBBlogging (sample here)
So Jen actually does everything I say you shouldn't do in a Game Recap (but she has had a personal experience with the Awesomest Person Alive). Fortunately, she does it with style. Specifically, she has a funny title, gives her own perspective on the game, writes sarcastic remarks, has interesting nicknames for the players, and includes her "White Knight of Wrigleyville" and hilarious forecast for the next game.

Cubby-Blue (sample here)
Okay, don't even attempt what Tim does. I don't want to see your crappy artwork. I have a Masters in Art and can't even draw a giraffe. Tim is a professional illustrationist, and even does drawings for Vine Line. His takes on the games are great in a dark humor sense of way, and his little recaps are personal accounts, which makes them interesting.

Thunder Matt's Saloon: The Gist (samples here)
These used to be pretty regular, although are now as random as me getting laid in high school (okay, I didn't get laid in HS). But when they do post, it's always short and hilarious, much like my new favorite show, The Little Couple.

So there you have it. If you don't write a blog, I recommend you check out these sites daily for all your Cubs Recap needs.

Go Cubs!


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Slamming Sammy Sosa

As you all know, Sammy Sosa announced his retirement last Thursday, much to the surprise of baseball fans (and apparently GM's), who already thought he was retired. Since then, the Cublogosphere has been a buzz about the announcement.

Actually, it really hasn't. The sports world itself hasn't even really cared that much about the story. Besides a bunch of good memories over at ACB, most Cub fans paused for a second and then quickly returned to the ledges to which they are prepared to jump off of.

It's amazing how the greatest hitter in the history of the Cubs has now fallen upon deaf ears and blind eyes. Sammy was the face of the franchise in the 90's. He was everyone's favorite player. He won games with his bat. We loved the hop, the double kiss, the swagger.

He and Big Mac single-handedly (double-handedly?) brought back the fans to the game of baseball. Not just Cub fans, all baseball fans. When the game was tarnished by the player's strike, the home run battle between the two captured the nation. While McGuire won in the end, to Cub fans Sosa was the real winner.

The fans were back. Wrigley was selling out again. Everyone was wearing #21 jerseys. The man could do no wrong. He was to be forever loved by those who bleed Cubbie blue, a Cub favorite, joining the likes of Mr. Cub, Billy Williams, Santo, Ryno, the Hawk and Mad Dog.

And then it happened.

In 2003, in the midst of a slump, Sosa "accidentally" picked up the wrong bat and headed to the plate. When the bat shattered, so did Sosa's image, and it would never be the same. Not for sport's fans, and not for Cub fans. While we tried to play it off and believe in Sosa, we were on the road to no recovery. Like a bad ex, the lies and suspicion started to mount. Steroids were just becoming part of the mainstream discussions on baseball, and we couldn't deny that Sammy looked a little bigger than his early days with the South Side Meth Heads.

By 2004 Sammy's numbers, and the Cubs, just weren't the same. Coming off the magical '03 season, the Cubs couldn't keep the good thing going. Things needed to change. And so speculation of Sammy not returning the following year began to grow. On the last day of the season, a game the Cubs won, Sammy did not play. In fact, Sammy wasn't even in the dugout, nor the clubhouse. No, Sammy had left the building. Early in fact, during the first inning. After the game a Cub player(s) took a bat to Sammy's boom box, forever ridding the clubhouse of the cancer, controversy and bad attitude he had become.

So now, 5 years later we are back to Sammy. In his mind, he is a shoe-in for the Hall.

"I will calmly wait for my induction to the Baseball Hall of Fame. Don't I have the numbers to be inducted?" Sosa said.

Hard to believe when Big Mac hasn't even come close his first 3 years.

Lee wants the Cubs and fans to appreciate Sosa, even give him a day of honor. But is this really what Cub fans want? Personally, I think it's still too soon. Maybe when we look back 10 years from now, when virtually every player of the 90s has been accused or indicted for using steroids, we won't mind as much.

Who knows if Cub fans will ever appreciate Sosa as much as they did when he was hitting 20 home runs a month. I highly doubt his #21 will ever fly over a foul pole. I don't think he will be inducted into the HOF within his lifetime. Do I believe, like Sosa, that he has the numbers to get in? Of course. But his antics, combined with the "speculation" of his steroid use will prevent it, at least in the distant future.

So what do you think Cub fans: good guy who was misunderstood at the end, or bad guy who was a cancer on the team and tarnished the Cubs good name?


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More fun with Dusty

Well it's 3-0 Reds in the second at the moment. The Reds rookie looks a little shaky but has been able to work his way out of trouble. One thing is for sure. The Cubs are not out of this game. Dusty somehow has this Reds team above .500 to date. I have no doubt that they would have a better record without Dusty's dumbass managing. But hey, at least we get to face a rookie today because their ace is having injury problems. Sound familiar?

The Idiots made a trip to Topps Liquors in Tempe today. We spent a bunch of cash to get some excellent beer and wine. BTW, when I say the Idiots I mean Angry Mike and Steve. I guess I won't comment too much on Russ not participating in Cubs game viewings. It is what it is. Besides, watching Cubs games with your friends while enjoying some awesome beverages is pretty over rated.

GO CUBS!
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COI Awesomest Person Alive: Ferrari Guy For Hire

OMFG! That's it, I'm moving back to IL!

As many of our readers (i.e. the guys at WAIW and FOTG) live in Chicago, you probably already know about this guy and surely have used his services to take you to many a Cubs game. If you aren't familiar with Ferrari Guy for Hire though, here is a little about him and his services:

• Rockin' 80's Perm Mullet
• Plays a Gibson guitar
• Often seen shirtless, because shirts are "So overrated, dude!"
• Self-proclaimed "Most Photographed Man in the Country, next to the President (Pictures Available)"
• Will drive you around in his "Exotic, One-of-a-Kind, Custom Designed, Newer Ferrari!!!" with "Glass Encased Rear 4.8 Litre Engine, 495 Horse Power, 400 LB Torgue, 220 on the Dash!!! Red Convertible with 24 Kt. Gold Wheels!!!"
• Perfect for Special Occasions, Birthdays, Anniversaries, Weddings, and Rides to Cubs Games (Single passengers only)

I know what you're asking yourself: "How much would I pay to be driven around by the coolest guy in the world in the most awesome car in the world?"

$500?
$750?
$1,000?

You're all wrong. This guy will drive you around for only $300 per hour. A 5 hour package is only $1,200!!!

But Ginger, I don't have that much money. How much for just a ride around the block?

For only $150 you can get a ride for 20 minutes. It's a perfect birthday gift for your son, daugher, or spouse. Plus, as an added bonus, if you purchase 3, 1 hour rides, he will "teach" you how to drive his car for only $200! That's almost giving it away!

So sign-up today! I know I am. Check out his website at FerrariGuyForHire.


(If you want to be my personal hero, and are in the law enforcement area, PLEASE find out this guy's name for me. His IL license plate # is 581 8317 Tony Tag)

UPDATE: Jen from CUBblogging has found out that his name is Tony Tag. I did some more research and found this deleted page from Wikipedia and apparently the Dirty.com Chicago has done tons of posts on him (who they refer to him as "Tony Fag"). With so much fame, how this guy never crossed my internet browsing is beyond me. Congrats Jen, you receive a COI hardy pat on the back for your work (we have no merch, sorry).

Special thanks to TastyBooze.com for the link.


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Live Blogging a Rain Delay.

The COI cheerleaders prepare sandwiches for the long awaited Cubs game over at COI headquarters.

Who doesn't love a live blog? No one? Oh yeah.

I can't think of anything to write as of late. And I've been busy working on my new site over at the Andy White Fan Club, so I thought I would live blog the game tonight. And since I will get off before the game is over, you won't even get the end of the game.

So I'm at work and with not much actual work, so here goes (all times local, Phoenix time)...

4:16 - WGN is on the AIR! Too bad the Cubs aren't. It's a rain delay.

4:18 - Andres Blanco is starting at 2nd and batting 8th. Did I mention that I started my new site, the Andy White Fan Club? Another brief timeout and then WGN will go back to it's local stations. I'm listening to the game since I'm at work. I wonder what happens since I am listening on MLB Radio? Guess we will find out.

4:22 - Fans are entertained by the Nats-Giants game on the big screen. Randy Johnson is going for win #300. Hey, Big Z is going for #100. Is there some sort-of history behind that? Looks like the guys are going off the air...

4:24 - So I guess off the air means I get to listen to the ambient noise in the booth.

4:26 - Looking for a photo for the front of the post, I thought I would see if Cubs Cuties would have any of girls in the rain. I thought it would be appropriate. Unfortunately, I ended up at this site: THE Cubs Cuties. Much different than what I was looking for. God this woman LOVES talking about her kids, although she is a Cubs fan from what I gather, they even named one of their kids Wrigley. Back to my search...

4:34 - I wonder if the THECubsCuties blog lady is aware of CubsCuties blog at all. Should I warn her? So I found the only one with rain at the actual site Cubs Cuties, I think the girls are in HS, so sorry about that. I'm not a perv or anything.

4:40 - Changing the photo, that last one was just too creepy. Even for this site. Instead...

4:54 - Still no work, and no game. So I read that Sammy retired today. Damn, just when Milty is about to go on the DL. Now who will play right field? Oh yeah, both Reed and K-Fuk have been doing just fine. If only we could find a position for Fox.

5:00 - I'm listening to the closed feed, that station engineers get. I wonder what they're talking about over on WGN or showing for the game. If I'm lucky, I might get home in time to watch the game. So I was looking up the Sosa thing, and over at ACB, they did a "tribute" of sorts for Sammy and their best memories. I can't say I was sad when he left. By the end he was a cancer to the clubhouse, as the ceremonial beating of his boom-box showed (that's one good thing Bako did for the Cubs at least). But I also have my favorite Sammy memory. I can't remember the date or the year, but one summer a bunch of friends and I traveled into Wrigley to catch a game. The Cubs were down all day, but started to come back in the ninth. Sammy came up to the plate and hit a dinger and the Cubs won the game. As much as a great memory it was, I actually can't remember much more than that. I have the photo somewhere though. So anyone with good Sammy memories?

5:20 - Just finished posting over at the Andy White Fan Club. Did I mention the Andy White Fan Club blog? Andy White Fan Club. Now time for a much needed break.

5:40 - Well this is going on a little long. It's what, 7:40 in Chicago? So you're about to put the kids to bed, grab a cold Old Style and you're WAIW koozie and watch Rookie of the Year on DVD again right? I wish I had something else to listen to. I guess the guy came on again at 5:30 and said that there was still no news about the game. Looks like we won't get to see Z tonight as planned, even if the game goes ahead. Too bad. Wonder what Bullpen wonder will start in his place? Maybe Rule 5. Do we still have that guy? Why? I just checked, he pitched on the 31st so I guess so.

5:50 - A little notes on This Day In Baseball History:

1890 - Submariner Tim Keefe of the New York Giants franchise of the Players League defeats the Boston Reds, 9-4, to record his 300th win. 'Sir Timothy', who won 19 straight decisions in 1888, will finish his 14-year career with 342 victories. 119 years later Randy Johnson becomes the latest pitcher to reach the feat of 300 career wins.

1974 - On ten-cent beer night, the Indians forfeit to the Rangers due the Tribe's unruly fans as the game is called off in the bottom of the ninth with scored tied at five by home plate ump, Nestor Chylak. An estimated 60,000 cups of brew is sold to a crowd of 25,134. Are you sure that wasn't at Wrigley Field?

1986 - In a 12-3 rout of the Braves, Pirates rookie outfielder Barry Bonds hits his first major league home run off Craig McMurtry. Bobby’s son will become the All-time career home run leader hitting 762 during his 22-year career playing for Pittsburgh and the San Francisco Giants.

2003 - Although his bat may have contained cork in yesterday's game, all five of Sammy Sosa's historic bats housed at the Hall of Fame and the76 of confiscated from his locker by major league baseball revealed no signs of tampering. X-rays and CT scans were used to clear cleared Cubs' slugger remaining lumber. 6 years later, Sammy retires.

6:15 - Still no game, could this be the longest delay ever??!?!? GFY Atlanta. I'm outty like tight-rolled jeans. Maybe the game will be on when I get home. (Fingers crossed).

Go Cubs!



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