JUST GET IT DONE!

Well here it is folks. COI has finally decided to roll out our battle cry for 2009. JUST GET IT DONE or JUST GET IT FUCKING DONE, as I prefer to say, embodies our attitude for the year.

We, like many rational Cubs fans, realize that this team has suffered numerous injuries to key players this season. No excuses, JUST GET IT FUCKING DONE!

We also are aware that Bradley is off to a slow start partly because a certain sports writer decided to write some completely rediculous dribble pertaining to Milton. No excuses, JUST GET IT FUCKING DONE!

The team's ownership is in limbo. As time goes by it becomes more clear that the Ricketts family deal will probably fall through, leaving us with the Trib owner Sam Zell who is highly unlikely to approve any major trades. No excuses, JUST GET IT FUCKING DONE!

There are so many excuses out there that can be used to explain why the Cubs are a hand full of games back to teams that they are definitely more talented then on paper. I hope they adopt a similar motto for the remainder of the season because no one is going to remember the reasons they couldn't get it done. People will only remember what a complete disappointment this team was.

I personally believe that it is only a matter of time before the likes of Bradley, Lee, and Soto, put up numbers they are capable of. I also think we can expect at least 3 or 4 more torrid stretchs of Soriano completely dominating opposing pitching. Eramis and Harden will eventually return and Zambrano will eventually make 5+ starts in a row. This will add depth to both the bench and bullpen without the need of a trade. Will anyone else get hurt? Probably, but could it really get any worse then what this team has already endured? I'm guessing not. They sit 2 games above .500 after playing the worst stretch of baseball during Lou's tenure. I don't see that happening.

See...there are tons of reasons to be optimistic. I didn't even go into how the Brewers and Cards are both playing far better then they should be expected. Things have a way of evening out over 162 games. Now we just need this team to focus on what's ahead and not what has happened to them over the last couple of weeks. They are the toughest, most talented team in this division.

NOW...JUST GET IT FUCKING DONE GUYS!

Go Cubs!
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Ginger's 6 Disc Car CD Player

I'm sure you've all been waiting for the next installment of Angry's iPod. Unfortunately, Mike has been busy with what he calls "real life", so I have decided to update the iPod, at least for the time being. So here is my version, as in what I have been listening to on my new (used) car's 6 disc cd player.

If you claim to like punk music and don't know who NOFX are, then stop reading this and go back to listening to your My Chemical Romance and please do us a favor, and never read our site again.

If you're still reading, congratulations, you have some taste...at least in music, I mean you ARE reading this site.

NOFX celebrates their 25th anniversary this year and are still putting out great music. Their latest release, Coaster, harkens back to their old-school roots. But one album which has been getting regular play on my new-old car's 6-disc player is They've Actually Gotten Worse Live!

With a catalog of over 300 songs, you think it would easy to pick enough to fill up an album. But in true punk fashion, Fat Mike (no relation to Angry Mike), Eric Melvin, El Hefe, and Erik Sandin play a mixture of classics, new versions of old songs and rare songs, all with witty and hilarious commentary between songs. If you loved, I Heard They Suck Live, you will not be disappointed with their second live album.

Some of the greatest points of the album (IMHO) include "You're Wrong", "New Happy Birthday Song?", and "We March To the Beat of Indifferent Drum" as well as El Hefe feeling sorry for a girl who show her tits and Fat Mike's story about his friend OD'ing on the golf course earlier in the day.

If you love punk music, you need to get this album. No one can capture the feeling of a being at a live show like NOFX. From someone who has about 5% recollection of the last NOFX show I went to, I can only hope it was as good as this album is.

GFY MTV!


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Umps, Gatorade Pissing Off the Cubs

Illustration by the very talented Tim Souers at Cubby-Blue.

The list of umpires pissing off Cub pitchers is getting pretty long lately.

TRL just wanted to show Bob Davidson where the pool would be in his dream house during his palm reading.

In Monday's game, Ted Lilly exited (i.e. sprung like jaguar) the dugout to argue what he saw as "embarrassing" calls by umpire Bob Davidson. He was tossed after what Davidson claims was a "few expletives" and Lilly's questioning of his concentration.

Introducing the star of your new Aquafina commercial.

Today, Big Z was tossed after Nyjer Morgan scored on a close play at home, tying the game for the Pirates in the 7th. Z took the incident with a little less gentleman-ship by purposely shoving umpire Mark Carlson. He then tossed Carlson from the game, threw the ball to the warning track and his glove to the dugout fence and then took a bat repeatedly to the gatorade machine.

Z shows Mike Carlson the grip on throwing the pointy ball.

That gatorade machine has been pissing the Cubs off too, as it was just repaired from going 1 round with Dempster on Monday (in which the machine won). It wasn't so lucky this time around and the Cubs may have to go back to the traditional jugs instead of the fancy dispenser.

The awkward part is when you close your eyes to go in for kiss and you don't know if he's gonna kiss you back.

Along with Bradley's recent comments about umps, Paul "I heart COI" Sullivan is reporting that the Cubs front office is probably going to get a call soon about their recent behavior. Ironically, none of the ump bashing or yelling at has been handed out by Sweet Lou, who should be called Stoner Lou for his laissez-faire attitude towards recent events.

While the Cubs may quickly become the "Bad Boys" (Rosenthal style, not Michael Bay style) of baseball, I say whatever it takes to turn this team around. While TRL will most likely just get a fine from MLB, Z will definitely be looking at a 7-10 day suspension, which means a couple missed games.

Remember when you were all shouting for Lou to have a blow-up to turn this thing around? Well it looks like the team may have matters into their own hands. Hopefully this is just what the Cubs need to get back in gear.

BTW, welcome to the team Andy White and Jake Fox! Both got RBI doubles today, with Fox now hitting a league leading 1.000. Oh, and some guy named White Slice saved the day with another home run. Can you forgive me Reed?

Go Cubs!


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10 Random Thoughts About The Cubs or Why I Have Horrible Timing In Writing Posts

1Damnit! Just when I had my IHeartNealCotts.blogspot.com site 99% finished, he is sent down. Now I have to start work on my AndyWhiteFanClub.blogspot.com website.

2The great Bobby Scales story is over. Let the Jason Waddell chapter begin. Waddell has been in the minors for nine years without a taste from the cup.

3The Cubs are looking to derail Jake Fox’s bid at the Triple-A Triple Crown by also calling him up. Sounds like a used car dealership.

4Aaron Miles makes his first of the Cubs mandatory trips to the DL. How come no one is talking about how this is going to hurt the Cubs offense?

5As WAIW pointed out, God is 2-2 in save opportunities for the Cubs this year. They also pointed out that their new favorite commenter, Louise from cubszone.com, is more clueless about the Cubs roster than my 2009 Cubs Calendar.

6Cubs looking to snag Nomar, Brewers looking to acquire Jake Peavy. In the “Our GM can beat up your GM” category, Milwaukee is clearly the winner for the second year in a row.

7Dempster blames MLB’s restriction on only Gatorade in the dugout (seriously folks, water is BANNED) for his crappy performance Monday. Cotts blamed his mother for letting his father pork her, thus being born in the first place.

8TRL was ejected for arguing balls and strikes in a game he wasn’t even pitching in. For his own protection, umpire Bob Davidson has placed himself into the witness relocation program, presumably under the first name, Harley.

9Today is Todd Hundley's birthday. He wishes that umpires would call games for him like they did for Randy Johnson.

10My self-imposed no-blogging till the Cubs win is finally over. You would think I could have come up with something better than this half-assed style of blogging in that amount of time.

Go Cubs!


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Not Done Yet.

Well I feel a little better since last night's rant, even though the Cubs STILL couldn't put together any offense. I'm gingerly (hehe, I used my name) optimistic about the weekend, not only for the Cubs but Blackhawks as well. But I guess that's what a bottle of Crown, a handful of Wellbutrin, and staying up late watching my Saved By The Bell, The College Years DVD will do to you.

Tonight I'm torn on what to watch, as my new favorite player (and my Nominee for COI Hero of the Moment) Jake Peavy will face off against my long-time favorite, Big Z while the Blackhawks try to right the series against the evil Red Wings.

I feel like Jessie when she was turns to caffeine pills as a result of the pressure with midterms and her singing group, except I'm turning to booze and Armenian porn (Happy Jim Essian Day!)

And yes, I know that last reference wasn't during the College Years, but the regular series, Jessie's Song, Episode 6343, Original Air Date November 3, 1990, to be exact.

So Go Cubs! Go Blackhawks! Go Alcohol-Induced Blackouts!


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This Post May Not Be Appropriate For Your Viewing

That's it. I'm done. Fuck you Hendry. Fuck you Lou. Fuck you Lee. Fuck you Little Babe Ruth. Fuck you Mr. Monopoly. Fuck you all. Except Peavy. You are my favorite player right now, even if you don't play for the Cubs.

One fucking run! One! In 2 days! And you can't just blame the players. What the fuck is Lou doing putting together 2 days of lineups where at least half the players you field are hitting at or less than .200. Really, do you expect to get any runs? Oh, and when I finally do get home to watch the end of the game it looks like the Cubs might get on top of some asshole with a fucking redheaded sasquatch growing out of his chin.

Let's break down the final inning. The Cubs are down 2 runs.

Lee leads off, batting a whopping.230 and hitting 1/3 with 2 strikeouts. Hey, he didn't fucking strikeout. No, he flies out. Didn't even make the warning track.

Next up, Milton Bradley (.193). After a awesome base running job early in the game, he makes up for it by slapping a double.

Mike Fontenot (.200) flies out. Fucking Little Babe Ruth! You're 2-36. Hey Lou, sit his ass down! This is where you play to win, or at least tie! FonteNOT ain't gonna get done for you. 2 outs.

Next up Soto. Okay Lou, you didn't pinch hit for Fontenot because you were saving it for Soto right? Nope. Soto, hitting an awesome .202 with only 1 home run this season hits. He strikes out. No, he doesn't, but really he does. He walks. Okay, put in that dude with the midget in his to pinch run. Apparently Harden isn't available. Good at bat????

Apparently someone woke up Lou and told him the game wasn't over. He FINALLY puts in a player to bat that has actually hit the ball this year. Except he replaces the only player hitting over the Mendoza line in the inning in Bobby Scales. Hoffle gets a base hit to drive in Bradley and move Farney to 3rd. Would have been a double if the defense wasn't playing no doubles.

Okay, we can't let Carlos Marmol bat in this position. Too bad Big Z is won't be back till Friday. Let's see, who's left? Well, we would have had Hoffpauir, but we just used him. Freel is running. Miles amazingly got a hit pinch hitting earlier in the game. That leaves Reed and Koyie. Reed is batting .232, Koyie .306. Well, this shouldn't be too difficult of a decision. Wait. WTF LOU!!! I know Koyie has been cooling off and only has 1 hit in his last 9 AB, but Reed is only 2 for his last 9.

Sure enough, just like me at prom night, he strikes out and the game is over.

Lou should be furious, but doesn't seem so. Too busy making DirecTV commercials I guess. Don't even get me started on that shit.

Okay, I will. So Lou is angry that the Dad is missing the Cubs because his kid is playing little league. I'm assuming the game is on a Saturday, because God forbid we have the kids play baseball when they should be at Church or school. It's not dark or getting dark, so the game must be an early game. Shit, I gotta get home and watch that on my MLB Package. OH FUCK! I CAN'T! I can only watch the game Fox decides I can watch on Saturday afternoon! FUCK YOU Fox! FUCK YOU MLB!
So back to the players. What does Lee think?

"Let's not blow it out of proportion," Lee said. "It's two games. Carpenter, that's the nastiest pitcher I've faced all year -- Chris Carpenter. No excuses, we're professionals, we have to score, but let's not blow it out of proportion."

Fuck You! On any other team your ass would be playing only a couple times a week. I'm done with you. All you guys had to do was take some pitches. Carpenter was on 75 pitch count. You could have run him out there by the 4th inning.

Bradley is pissed at least.

"I'm the main culprit. I've had terrible at-bats. I'm just not doing anything, not even hitting the ball out of the infield. It's frustrating. We're having mental lapses out there and just completely getting outplayed."

Unfortunately that's not gonna change the fact that he was the biggest mistake Hendry made this offseason.

Speaking of Hendry. FUCK YOU TOO!!! We didn't need more balance in the offseason. We needed versatile players, which we already had in DeRosa. Now we could possibly get him back, but you really think we're gonna eat crow like that. Bet he goes to the Brewers or Cards. And fucking Jake Peavy. SD and the White Sox made the trade and all they needed was Peavy's permission.

PERMISSION DENIED!

Smart man. Probably the only one I'm seeing these days. It's not like we have any good pitchers to get rid of. OH YEAH, we do. Look at Wells and Ascanio. Good enough. How about a second baseman, I hear they need one of those too? What, Bobby Scales can play 2nd? FUCK!

So we will see what happens when Z comes back tomorrow. The smart move would be to get rid of Rule 5 or Cotts. Can we get rid of both? Instead, Wells or Ascanio will move back down to minors and we will be left with the same bunch of fuckers who can't hold a fucking game.

FUCK YOU CUBS!

(btw, I'm not on a ledge, or jumping ship, or whatever, just a LITTLE frustrated)



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Pujols Really Plugs Up That Hole!

The title is a quote I just heard from Pat while listening to the game. I wonder what he plugs his poo-hole with?

So we haven't posted in a while. Honestly, I haven't been that busy, but unfortunately I haven't been doing my job of keeping up with the Cubs like I should. Over the weekend I busy ripping up tile and laying down wood floors for my GF's new house. I'm still sore. Yesterday I blinked and missed the game. Did I miss anything? I've also missed the Blackhawks which I guess has been bad news as well.

Really there isn't much going on. The Cubbies are in 2nd (as I type this). They still have the wild card (is it too early to start talking about this?).

I guess Sori had a little WWE wrestling experience with some former MTV star. I wish I could see the video, but the WWE has taken it off of You Tube.

The sale of the Cubs is moving forward, then in reverse, and again forward. Don't you wish you could be John Cusack? The self-proclaimed "Chicago" fan might own a piece a Cubs. Great.

I guess this Wells kid is pretty good. A 0.00 ERA after 2 games. Looks like a serial killer too. I will be interested to see what happens when Z comes back on Friday, or how he pitches considering he knocked around in his minor league tune up.

Well, I gotta finish up John from WAIW's Roundtable Question of the Week, where I pick my best Cub team to beat an evil, vampire Cardinal team. Don't worry listeners (listeners?), I won't go asking for your opinions. I don't give a shit. This isn't America, this is COI, take your freedom of speech and shove it. If you just can't help yourself, you can go over to VFTB or LOHO, who apparently do care about their readers.

Of course they also post everyday and have actual articles. Go figure!

Go Cubs! Go Blackhawks!


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Cubs beat Ex-Cubs

Gaudin and Hank White wonder if the Cubs will take them back if they promise to play nice.

Soooo...can I take back what I said about Scales yesterday? Maybe he does have a place on this team. Today he had a 4 RBI day, and since the Cubs can't win unless they score at least 4 runs, I guess that helps us.

The Riot might have seen that I took him down from Hero of the Moment yesterday, as he hit a couple more dingers and now has tied his career high for a season at 5. Ronny is now calling him "Little Babe Ruth Jr." I'll stick with The Riot.

Lilly gave up 3 runs, but it was still enough to notch TRL his 5th win of the season. He looks poised to get 20 this year and some (not just TLFC) are talking Cy Young.

Yesterday I brought up the idea that a team needs to have players that are having career years in order to win Championships. And it can't just be just one player. Look how good the Cubs did in 1987 when the Hawk won NL MVP. Career years are what makes good players, great players. At least for that year. This team is full of players who have had them. Bradley, Miles, and Dempster all had them last year. Harden a couple years ago. But who is having it this year? Let's look at a couple candidates:

Ryan Theriot
The Riot has 5 dingers in only the 33rd game of the year. Sure it's not Soriano numbers, but for a guy that only has 14 in his entire career that is something. Did he find the juice? Speculation is abound, but regardless we'll take it. And despite his questionable base running, he leads the team with 7 SB. Both things no one expected out of the little guy.

Bobby Scales
Since being called up to his first appearance in the bigs the guy has done nothing short of impossible. A .444 average. Key hits and even a home run. This feel good story of the year is greatly reducing the agony of loosing Rami.

Kosuke Fukudome
K-Fuk started off last year with a bang, but by mid-May was already starting to fall off. This year people were wondering if White Slice should even start in front of him. But the Fuki started off strong and has kept it together, batting .340 with 4 dingers and just behind The Riot with 59 TB. His patience is back as well with a team leading 24 walks.

Ted Lilly
TRL has 5 wins to 2 loses on the year. He hasn't shown overwhelming stuff, but he has managed to keep the Cubs in the games he starts. His 3.27 is lowest of the starters and has 38 strikeouts to only 9 walks. While his achilles heel is still the long ball, Ted has emerged as the team's ace.

So who do you think is having the best year so far? You can vote in the sidebar, or leave your comments. Nice sweep today boys!

Go Cubs!


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Hey Everyone!

So have I been missed at all? Probably not. I have had a ton of other shit going on as of late. In other words, I haven't had enough time to sit down and formulate any decent blog entries

...then I realized something while reading Ginger's most recent entry...

I don't need to sit down and formulate anything to post. I mean if Ginger can put together that many words about how Bobby Scales has legitimate trade value I can surely come up with something to entertain you.

So look for good things in the future. I apologize for abandoning you over the past couple weeks and I hope to make up for it.

GO CUBS!

Oh, and yeah I jumped on the bandwagon...

GO HAWKS!
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The Cubs Would Be Better Off If Bobby Scales Was Not A Cub

Wow! If I just started reading Cubs blogs, I would swear Bobby Scales is the second coming of Christ.

Last night Crash (why won't this nickname catch on?) hit his first ML homer to help distance the Cubs from the Fathers. If everyone wasn't on board before, they are now. TMS is calling Scales the "black Matt Murton" (wait till Wittenmyer reads your blog, you racists). Bullpen Brian has his tee-shirt already ordered (why not a jersey?). And Bleacher Nation is already calling for the Rookie of Year Award (might want to keep that away seeing as how well the current ROY is doing).

These are just a few who are praising Scales. And why not? With tons of injuries, slow starts by our star players, a horrible bullpen, and currently being 4th place in the division behind (gasp!) even the Dusty's, so far it's the best story of the year for the Cubs. The guy has been in baseball since Gary Gaetti was the starting 3B for the Cubs. 11 years later he is finally called up to the bigs, and since then has been hitting the be-Jesus out of the ball, with a .429/.786/1.214 line, which started out with his first hit off the reigning Cy Young and includes a triple and a dinger in only 14 plate appearance.

Through pure determination and love of the game, Crash has persevered and is finally making his probably one shot at the majors count. At 31 he's old for a baseball player (even older than 2/3 of the Idiots). He doesn't appear to have reached this stage with the use of PED's. He hustles and does what Lou will ask, even going beyond the skipper's expectations. In the offseason he is a substitute teacher at the high school he attended as a kid. Plus, he's a fellow blogger!


But is this really good enough for the Cubs? Last year I wrote about another phenom who got his fist call to the bigs, tore shit up, and then "like that mysterious growth on my crotch big toe" was gone. That guy hit .421 in just 11 games before being sent down to bring up Kevin Hart. Still wondering who that guy was and where he is now? That guy is Micah Hoffpauir and if you read the same blogs that praise Scales that guy should be the starting 1B for the Cubs, if not at least platooning the position.

But the same problem that Hoff-POWER faced last year will plague Scales when Rami is finally able to return to the team, namely he will be a player without a position. Last year the Cubs didn't need another 1B, right now the Cubs don't another relief pitcher backup infielder.


When Rami went down earlier in the year, the Cubs were scrambling to find someone to replace him. Despite most still thinking Rami should still be nicknamed E-Ram for his defense at third, he's actually pretty good now, and a hell of a lot better than the immediate solution, namely Little Babe Ruth. As another blogger pointed out (sorry, can't find the reference) all teams would have to do is learn how to hit line drives higher than 6 feet with our midget infield to beat us. Plus having FonteYES at third means having Miles at 2nd. FUCK!

But the Cubs now have 4 solutions for a backup at 3B with the call-up of Scales, the addition Farney last week, and the willingness of Lou to play Koyie in the position as well.

Which brings me to my long winded point. Scales has proven (at least so far) he has what it takes to play in the bigs. He is a switch hitter and can play all infield positions. He hustles like players should, as he showed off by sprinting around the bases last night after his homer. His stock is up. And what do when the stock is up? You sell.


Last night also featured another player of Cubs fame, although not yet a Cub. Despite starting out with less than impressive numbers, the Cubs could still use a guy by the name of Jake Peavy (or McDreamy #2 as cubbiejulie puts it). The addition of Peavy would free up Lefty (Marshall) to move to the pen as our only left handed relief pitcher (Cotts who?). He's probably moving there anyway. Or why not just go out and get another lefty from another team.

By the beginning of July we will have too many infield bench players, Scales will most likely be sent down, keeping Farney, Miles and Hoffpauir on the bench. I'm sure another team would gladly like a guy like Scales on their bench.


Of course, you always have the counter-argument that you need players on the team that are having career years to win a championship, and so far that is exactly what Scales is doing. Lou is a "what have you done for me lately" type of guy, and Bobby fits right into that. But you also need to not have to worry that your 2 run lead is in jeopardy every time you bring in a pitcher in the 5th-7th innings. We NEED another reliable guy in the pen.

Yes, I love Crash's story just as much as the next guy. But right now, he's more valuable as part of a trade than he is as a feel good story. Remember, this team hasn't seen a ring in over 100 years, we have plenty of those. That's all I'm saying.

Go Cubs!


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I told you to shave those sideburns! You're off the team!

No baseball today, which is good for the Cubs who have played like 100 million games in a row without a break. Instead of guy who can jump over a car, we have a guy with a midget living in his head. Is this a baseball team, or a Circus Side Show? Some say our bullpen needs help, come on, Chad Fox only has an ERA of 135.00. E-Ram will be out till Cock Fighting Season is over.

This post sucks...so instead of reading this rubbish, follow

THIS LINK

to take the Simpsons Softball Quiz over at mental_floss. You probably remember Mr. Burns’ collection of all-star ringers brought in to play for the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant’s softball nine, but do you remember what ultimately sidelined each player?

No get off my lawn!

Go Cubs!


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Brett Favre Emails X-rays to Vikings

In a weird twist of fate, Favre's email took a wrong exit on the information superhighway (did you really think he know's how to use a computer?) and ended up in the Idiot's Inbox. So, since I was taught at a young age that sharing is supposed to make me feel better (it doesn't), I've decided to show you all one of the attachments.



Please, Mr. Favre, I hope that's a Pepsi bottle. I prefer Coke, and I'd really hate to have to give it up because it's your penetration of choice. And I hope that's not plastic. If you used a smooth glass bottle, that sort of makes sense. But plastic? That's just gross.

So what's the fucking deal here. He's back in the news because he might come back, again. Then the story seems to lose speed as Vikings claim they're nto really interested. Then again, to everyone's dismay, the story continues, and it's looking like the story's not going away for a while. Give me a fucking break. Seriously, how hard would it be to simply say at the end of the season that you have no fucking idea whether or not you'll be back next season. Stop being such an asshole.

Personally, if his motive to come back is because he wants revenge on his former former team, I can get on board with that. It would be great to see him beat the Packers. It's great when the Packers lose, no matter who beats them. Although...it would be a weird feeling if the Packers lost, but Favre won. Talk about mixed emotions. Of course there's always the chance of a meteor strike. I suppose I could root for that (oh wait, I always do when Vikings play the Packers. Similar to when the Brewers play Cardinals).

And I disagree with everyone else that Favre would make the Vikings better. I suppose if they can get past the fact that he'll throw 64 interceptions, they might have a chance to be 8-8. In the long run, it would be a step back. He'll only be there for one year. Then what? He'll retire, that's what. Oh then he will be back again. Then retire again. Then...oh nevermind. Good luck with all that, Vikings.
One more positive would be giving the Bears' Defense more chances at ending Favre's career on their terms, not his.

So, sit back and enjoy the Favre stories for the next five months. Fuck.




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This Is What You Call "Mailing It In"

The Cubs are on roll and "swept" their first series of the year. Just like last year, the Cubbies have put a beat-down on the Stros and lead the season series 4-1. The game started out horrible as I was watching the GameCast and saw Lilly throw 9 pitches before getting a strike (unless you count the one Tejada blasted out of the park). But the Cubs came back as Lilly settled down to earn his team leading 4th win of the year. Tonight we will see the introduction of Mike Todd Randy Wells in his first major league start. Hopefully it goes a little better than Chad Fox's did in relief last night. His ERA is now 81. No, not 0.81, 81.0! Sori hits a couple dingers and the Cubs travel to Wrigley North tonight.

So I found (and by found, I mean I read HJE) a couple more blogs I need to add to the Greatest Cubs Blogroll Ever. The day has been surprisingly busy, so maybe I will get around to it, maybe not.

If you want to read the longest bio of a Cubs fan ever, and about how she slump busted more than a couple Cubs players, check out Cubs Gal Who Loves Baseball.

Sean Marshall has some fans and a blog to prove it. GFY TLFC!

CubbieFans is the most crazy designed blog I have ever seen!

And then a couple blogs I can't get on board with.

A Tale of Two Leagues, which is a Cubs AND Boston blog (that's like taking the hottest girl home from the bar only to find out she wants to lay a Cleveland Steamer on your chest).

And Bricks and Ivy, which is "random thoughts, photos and philosophical embellishments from a Cubs fan who hates the Cardinals but loves a Cardinals fan." UMMM, obviously there is something wrong here. HOUSTON, WE HAVE A PROBLEM.

Finally, in an encouragement to get Lazy Steve excited about something, I bring a new Cubs Cutie!


Every Mother's Day, the local rock station KUPD holds a MILF contest. It's pretty funny and involves such stunts as seeing how much of a potato the contestants can deep throat and girl-on-girl makeout sessions. Shiree Joe made it to the final 4, but was kicked out because one of the judges is racist and she is a Native American. But we still love you anyways Shiree.

Go Cubs!



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Manny Is Pregnant!

If you see a line, that means you're suspended!

So I can't keep it in. So Manny was quoted as saying this about why he tested positive:

"Recently I saw a physician for a personal health issue. He gave me a medication, not a steroid, which he thought was OK to give me. Unfortunately, the medication was banned under our drug policy."

The banned substance turns out to be human chorionic gonadatropin (HCG), a women's fertility drug. (Damn blogger won't let me create links, so look it up yourself you lazy bastard).

Apparently Manny was trying to get pregnant! I know the education in the Domican might be a little behind, but did Manny really think he could get pregnant? Is Manny really a woman? Also, testing for hCG in the bloodstream is a done for pregnancy tests. Why didn't Manny just go get a pregnancy test and see if it came back positive?

Oh Manny, we just love it when you be Manny.


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The Curse of the Cubs Calendar

No Manny, this post will not be about you. Not everything is about you.

After a couple bad weeks, it looks like the Cubs have started to turn it around. I knew once I put up the poll about whether or not our 3 readers were freaking out yet that the Cubs would start winning, making my poll obsolete. So you’re welcome, I single-handedly turned around the Cubs.

But with the Cubs winning, I now have nothing to rant about. I know you all loved my mini burger post, but I usually like to keep it about the Cubs, or baseball or Chicago. So what to blog about? Manny is too easy, although he has been anointed our new COI Idiot of the Moment.

Sooo...hmm. I look at my calendar. That’s it!

The Curse of the Cubs Calendar!


So I have mentioned my calendar before. I got it as a gift for xmas from my Mom and it hangs in my “office” at work. After McDreamy was traded, I noticed that 1/4 of the players featured were no longer playing for the Cubs: January - Mark DeRosa., March - Rich Hill and November - Felix Pie.

So I posted about how the rest of the players would no longer be playing for the Cubs by the end of the season. Well, now it’s May and I’ve noticed a new trend. The calendar can predict which player will be injured for that month. “The calendar can’t predict that, everyone has been injured,” you say? Well, let’s look.

Ryan Theriot lucked out by getting February. No baseball, but I did hear he was dumped by his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day. So we move to April and Aramis Ramirez. E-Ramis started in only 12 games before getting injured. Now it’s May and Carlos Zambrano. With all the injuries this year, Carlos has been the first to land on the DL and will miss half the month. This is not looking good. Unfortunately 2 players that haven’t been hit by the injury bug are next up for June and July with Soriano and Ted Lilly respectively.


So should I burn the calendar? What evil power does it really? Is it just coincidence? Who knows. It is made by a company from Wisconsin. Maybe they have something to do with it. My mom is a Sox fan, maybe she cursed it.

One more note about the calendar, it includes random “On this Date” facts, but they don’t have anything to do with the Cubs. Like today, did you know that in 1925 Pittsburgh Pirates shortstop Glenn Wright turns an unassisted triple play against the St. Louis Cardinals. The play involves two future members of the National Baseball Hall of Fame. Jim Bottomley hits a line drive that is caught by Wright, who steps on second base for the second out. He then completes the play by tagging Roger Hornsby.

Pretty interesting huh?

Well, until Angry Mike starts to post again, or J Dot maybe guest posts again (hint, hint) or maybe even a rarer Lazy Steve post, you have to put up with this shit.

Go Cubs!


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Uncle Lou's Lineup Party, "You Make the Call" version

For some reason, Alyssa Milano speaks only to J-Dot

Sean Marshall pitched another good game today, but the bats and the Shark (COI Idiot of the Moment) failed him and he gets the loss. Crash (My nickname for Bobby Scales from Kevin Costner in Bull Durham, I know, it's a stretch) got his first major league hit and a run and looked good in the field. Why did we keep this guy down when E-Ramis was injured? The Cubs split the series and are no longer undefeated in May. J Dot also keeps his losing streak intact.

But the news of the day was Lou's Lineup, which was missing a couple (or how about all) the usual starters (with the exception of WTP Lee, who has demoted himself to bench-like status).

So the question is:

What was Lou thinking with his Cinco de Mayo Lineup?

1. He thought that everyone that spoke Spanish or looked Latin on the team was Mexican and therefore were required by law to have the day off.

2. Hendry insists still not enough left handed hitters in the lineup and orders everyone in the lineup besides Lee to be a lefty.

3. After celebrating early for Cinco de Mayo with Matt Sinatro last night, Lou puts up a blank lineup for the players to fill in. Wanting to start an actual game, all the scrubs sign up first.

4. Since Z is on the DL, Lou lost his best pinch hitter and wanted to make sure to stack the bench, "just in case".

5. Facing the reigning Cy Young winner, Lou "forfeits" the game and plays the bench, hoping for a slaughter rule and an early start to partying.



Go Cubs!


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I Stepped Out For A Minute, Did I Miss Anything?

You also have a case of the "My Mom feeds me too many Happy Meals" Syndrome.

While I busy freaking out about Mini Burgers and helping the GF paint her house, I missed my Cubbies over the weekend. Sounds like it was pretty exciting! Seems like everyone is getting in on the offense, including our pitchers. But it was the back-to-back days with homers by The Riot and D-Lee's Grand Salami that has him finally off everyone's shit list that are making the news. Which is probably good news for Bradley, who had the worst opening month as a Cub's new superstar since, well since last year with the Fonz. Don't worry Milty, we still believe in you. And look what Hoppy McHopalot did with the rest of the season last year.

Paddy cake, paddy cake, baker's man, bake me a cake just as fast as you can.

But the big news of late is about Big Z. Why do you try so hard, man? Honestly, I wish all the Cubs blogs would stop freaking out about Lou's decision to keep pinch hitting Z somehow led to him straining his hammy. The list of injuries keeps piling on, which when I heard the news this morning via Sportscenter via Mike and Mike I immediately did what any good Cubs fan would do and "Freak out, Man!"

Mr. Miles is handing out free prostate exams. Please report to second base.

But I'm calm again, and actually happy to be back at work. Let me tell you, if I never see paint again it will be too soon. And the Cubs are still undefeated...in May. Tonight the SF Dusty Lovers will come into town. Hopefully they will look like the bunch of fish out of water that were the Marlins. (God, I really need to work on my name-calling and puns, look's like someone has a case of the Mondays.)

Back to Z. In the "I had a cup of coffee" department, Bobby Scales has been called up till Friday to add some more power to the bench. Bobby has been burning up the minors, batting .303 (23-for-76) with five doubles, a triple, three homers and 10 RBI in 21 games for Iowa this season, his second in the Cubs organization. He owns a .372 on-base percentage and is 10-for-26 (.385) against left-handed pitching while appearing at first base, second base and third base (thanks Cubs.com).

He could have also gone with "Scales of Justice"

But what you probably don't know is that with the addition of Scales, the number of Cub's bloggers doubles! Of course we all know Reed has his blog in which he makes sure to make fun of Little Babe Ruth in every post, but Bobby also blogs on the MLBlogs Network under the title, "30 is the new 20." Although he has only 2 posts to date, I'm sure we will be able to read more about his big debut shortly.

Go Cubs!
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COI Crimes Against Humanity: The Mini Burger

GFY the mini, the slider, and the shooter.

Whatever you call it, miniature hamburgers are sweeping the nation. I even got Billy Mays screaming at me for 30 minutes to buy his special griddle to cook them myself. But why would I do that when I can go to virtually any bar and get these bite-sized apps myself. Or a fast food chain*, or a casual sit down chain**, or if I'm really feeling indulgent, I'll go to a fancy restaurant and order one made of Kobe beef and topped with truffles and imported goat cheese for only $30. Fuck!


One of the greatest things about growing up is when my family would make the 60 mile trek to Chicago to visit my grandparents or other relatives, we would always stop at a White Castle and get a bunch of slyders so that we could keep them in the fridge and reheat them throughout the week. To my little kid taste buds, slyders actually disgusting. I wanted McDonald's damn it. White Castle didn't have a kid's meal. And that smell!

But as I grew up and started to head into Chicago on my own for concerts, trips to downtown and of course Wrigley Field, the tradition I grew up with continued, and I actually started liking those little shitty burgers. I would always stop on the way home and grab a 10 pack, some for me, some for my mom, and none for my GF, who insisted they travel in the trunk because the smell would make her throw up.


Then the novelty wore off. In college they came out with White Castles in your freezer section and my dorm "store" sold them. Let's just say enough nights indulging in "herbal remedies" leads to a lot of shitty microwave food eating, including those little buggers and I got sick of em. Then after college I moved closer to the City and I had a White Castle next door. I would still go once in a while, but by that time I was only getting the Chicken or Fish Sandwiches.

And the other thing is, when I would mention White Castle, everyone universally hates it. But now the mini burger is back. I got big headed Mascots screaming at me. I got specialty turkey versions, pulled pork versions, even crab cake versions.

Fuck, don't you people realize youre being ripped off. Sure it looks like a better deal, but you're really only getting like half the beef and twice the bun. Remember the "Where's the Beef?" commercials? EXACTLY! The whole result of the craze is that these company's have found they can cut costs, and make you feel like your King of the Hill with all your burgers that have girls drooling all over you.

Damn you to hell mini burgers. Give me my White Castle's (or Krystal's if your in the South). Actually, fuck you both. I'll stick with my In and Out Burgers. Pigs will fly before they stoop that low.

*Fast Food:

• Burger King - BK Burger Shots come in packs of two ($1.39) or six ($4.09).
The chain also is selling BK Breakfast Shots and is considering mini chicken sandwiches.

• Jack in the Box. It has Mini Sirloin Burgers in three-packs ($3.89).

• McDonald's. Mickey D's is testing Snack Wrap Macs, mini Big Macs in flour tortillas ($1.49), at 400 restaurants.

• Steak and Shake. Steakburger Shooters come in 5 different varieties including the classic Ketchup & Mustard Shooter to the spicy Chipotle Shooter.

• Johnny Rockets. Along with mini hot dogs and chili dogs, these sliders come with a choice of four new Johnny Rockets sauces; ancho-chipotle with a smoky pepper flavor, sweet pepper relish mayo, dijonnaise sauce with a hint of horseradish and chunky bleu cheese sauce.

**Casual Dining:

• Chili's. Big Mouth Bites are four mini burgers topped with applewood smoked bacon, american cheese, sautéed onions and ranch dressing on sesame seed buns. Served with crispy onion strings and jalapeño-ranch dressing.

• TGI Friday's. Jack Cheddar Bacon BBQ Sliders are made with Jack Championship BBQ sauce. They also offer chicken sliders.

• Applebee's. Along with their cheeseburgers Sliders, they offer BBQ Pulled Pork, Southern Chicken and French Dip Versions.

• Ruby Tuesday . You can get a trio plate of Ruby Minis, Turkey Minis and Crab Cake Minis along a Bacon Cheddar version.

• Cheesecake Factory. Served four to an order and come with pickle chips.

• Bennigan's. Four seems to be the number to go with for these burgers.



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The Cubs are Undefeated...

Little Babe Ruth and the Riot give each "Fancy" high-fives. Hey, Fontenot, watch that left hand there.

...in May at least.

Go Cubs!


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