Tiger's Tail: Filet Mignon vs. McNuggets and Fries

COI wouldn't stoop so low as to talk about the Tiger situation, now would it? You bet your ass we would. Really, I couldn't give two shits, and according to every sports radio and tv show, they couldn't either. But still it's the story that leads every god damn program. Even listening to the local fm radio show this morning the dj's were interviewing Frank Mir and asked him about Tiger. Fucking, can we get over it already? No, well, GFY!

The boys over at TMS and I have an email thread going throughout the day in which such important topics such as music, food, work and The Biggest Loser are discussed. No seriously, like HALF the conversation is about The Biggest Loser. As all great minds think alike, of course the discussion has turned to Tiger, and in true TMS thread form, the topic has taken a distinct twist. Namely, the focus is on whether or not Tiger chose to go after skanky whores instead of top-notch tail. Here are the excerpts from the thread, which is way more hilarious than if I just paraphrased.*

Tim: And Tiger, you're the most recognized, most popular sports figure in the world. Can't you do better than strippers, porn stars, and cocktail waitresses?

Andy: He's not trying to do better. He is using his wealth and fame to bang the girls in HS that would never so much as glance at his nerdy ass. C'mon, (Tim)! He doesn't want some MENSA member. He wants a dumb slut who he can fuck, discard, and maybe fuck again later. Maybe even some ass play. Living the dream for all the dorks and nerds who could never get laid in HS.

Tim: I sort of get that, (Andy), but still. When I was in HS, I wanted quality tail, not the blonde gum-smacking bimbo who was spreading for the football team. He could have fillet mignon and he's settling for McNuggets and fries. I'm not saying MENSA members, but there's plenty of high class snatch that would be willing to get Tigerized.

Andy: (Tim), you're almost certainly the exception then. Everyone wants that dumb whore to smack around. Fulfills some weird part of the male psyche. Forget the smart chick who looks like she might be freaky in the sack, and forget the uppity high-maintenance rich girl too. You want to debase the lowest common denominator, just to know that you can. Tiger looks like the kind of guy that never got laid in H or college. Then, the money came, and he's got some backtracking to do. Plus, the quality trim ain't exactly the type to enjoy or tolerate being treated like total garbage, used for sex and then never called again.

Mark: Yeah, but (Tim), he'd have to work a little harder for the high class snatch. Generally, they aren't nearly as slutty (or desperate for fame)...getting involved with someone classy would mean that emotions would have to get involved. That's a hassle.

Dan: (Mark), he has to work harder NOW, but he shouldn't have had to work that hard before this came out.

Tim: I think there's plenty of high class hoochie out there that would have been more than happy to bone Tiger, no strings attached. Those types of women, to my mind, would also be less likely to run off to TMZ to brag about how Tiger got a hole in one on their personal course.

Andy: I think you're dead wrong, (Tim), for the reasons (Mark) and I put forth. He wants to debase some girl who isn't gonna get emotionally invested. That's what his wife is/was for.

Mark: (Tim), you're right, he could score that kind of girl, but again, you'd have to put more effort into that. It's a lot easier to just go to a bar or strip club and have them come to you.

Tim: I suppose. I guess it's kind of like the Clinton-Monica Lewinsky thing. Ol Bubba wasn't going to find a classy broad who'd let him stick a cigar in her snatch.

Andy: Perfect analogy! He was the leader of the fucking free world, and he decided to get a BJ from a frumpy Jew. No offense, (Mark).

And then the conversation took another strange turn towards Jersey Shore, the new show on Mtv about guidos.

*Names have been changed to protect the innocent.


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