College of Idiots: The Chicago Cubs Have Ricketts! (No One Has Used That Title Yet, I'm Sure)

So when I fondle your nipples, girls, I'm going to use a counter rotating motion like this. Wait, one of you is my sister, right? Ah, fuck it!

If you all are still interested in the Cubs, you know with the WS and nationally televised Favre jerkfest going on, then I'm sure you've tuned into the press conference with new owners, the Rickettses (is that the plural?). Oh, you haven't? Well then, let me just highlight some of the points that Tom (I can call Tom, right?), and his lesbian sister (funny, in all the movies I've seen lesbians are attractive, please don't tell me Girls Gone Wild has been lying to me this entire time) outlined for the media and selective fuck-face fans (Al Yellon is a fuck-face, fucker!).

1. The Cubs will be moving to Shaumburg (Wrigley Field and all) and changing their name to the Rape Clowns.

2. The Cubs will employ cheerleaders, but not like the Luvabulls. Instead, Aaron Miles, Ryan Theriot and Mike Fontenot will dress up in assless chaps and sing and dance to Village People songs. They will be called the Assless Chapped Midget Trio Cajun Boy Fuckers (or ACMTCBF for short).

3. The Cubs will keep Milton Bradley on the team, naming him the sole team captain and manager, in charge of all decisions made on the field.

4. Soriano will return to bat leadoff.

5. The Cubs will tear down that horribly outdated scoreboard and replace it with the biggest jumbotron ever. Yes, even bigger than the one in Texas. Because everything is bigger in Shaumburg, especially the women.

6. The Cubs will put in blue astro-turf, similar to the stuff that Boise State plays on.

7. The Cubs will upgrade the food at Wrigley to ONLY include fois gras, kimchee and a selection of crab cake sliders.

8. The Cubs will change their uniforms to be camouflage: green for home and sand-colored for away.

9. Ronny Woo Woo will be in charge of day-to-day operations.

10. The Cubs will win a World Series.

Seriously though folks, none of these are true. Nope, not even the last one. Get over it fuckers, not even a guy who grew up a Cubs fan, had an apartment in Wrigleyville, met his wife at Wrigley, and promises to build a championship caliber team can help this organization. Who do you think he is? Jerry Reinsdorf?

Bear Down!