Watching the Cubs Is Like Going To An M. Night Shyamalan Movie...

...you already paid to watch it so you stay till the end, it's long and drawn out and the "suspenseful" ending sucks, but you still know when his next movie comes out you will end up seeing it, just to be disappointed again, because one time, a LONG time ago, he made a good movie and you're sure he just can't keep on sucking.


While it was Wandy Rodriguez who was tipping pitches against the Rockies last week, the Cubs must have seen something against Brian Moehler on Tuesday, because the last two games the offense was back to being as fearful of scoring as a 31 year old virgin alone with his girlfriend in his mother's basement while she is out playing all-night bingo at the Moose Lodge.

I won't go into the recaps, because we all know I love recaps. In fact I won't even comment about the last two games at all. Last night I got home from work just in time to see I SPELL MY NAME LIKE A DOUCHE-BAG Blum hit the game winning hit in the ninth. Today I waited and waited and waited. I waited while I had to pee like I just drank a 40 of Old English in 30 seconds. I waited while my stomach growled from hunger pains like it was Nicole Ricci's fetus. I didn't move from my chair, glued to my headphones at work, afraid I miss the game winning hit by Fuki, or Mr. Monopoly, or even Andy White.


But no. Just like the first 84 girls I ever asked out, the Cubs were rejected time and time again. In the past 2 games the only 2 relievers I had confidence in have joined the likes of Gregg, Marmol, and Heilman. The only offense we could get was from WTP Lee. But really, hitting a homer off LaTroy Hawkins is about as easy getting a handjob from Paris Hilton if you were sitting next to her on a flight to Madrid.


Amazing to think that with a team that has the best starting ERA in the NL and the most amount of quality starts that led the NL in runs scored last year is this bad. Or that we are even close to still being in it. If the Cubs win the last 2 games, they would be in first place (or second, does place go by amount of loses or winning percentage? Don't fucking tell me, I don't give a shit. We're in 4th assholes. GFY!) So we can't beat the worst team in the NL Central, and now we have to play the AL. FUCKING GREAT!

Go....oh fuck it!

And now, a horrible joke:

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, “I like both.” “Both?” Engineer: “Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done.”


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