College of Idiots: Get Your News: Three Articles For The Price Of One!

Now go sit back down on the bench and let the grown-ups play. Uncle Lou will let you run the bases after the game is over.

In Future News: The Sox sweep the Cubs in their own park, much to the chagrin of Cub fans everywhere. The Cubs are now 2 games under .500 and it looks like not even assigning the black guy from Ghostbusters as hitting coach can save the Cubs, as they were held to one run on five hits over the rain-shortened series.

John Danks held the Cubs scoreless for seven-plus innings, striking out nine. More impressive was Gavin Floyd's outing, who no-hit the Cubs through 8-1/3 innings before walking the his next two batters in the ninth. With only a one run lead, Ozzie Guillan called in Bobby Jenks. Jenks proceeded to strike out the final two batters, giving the White Sox their first no hitter since Mark Burhrle in 2006 and combined no hitter since 1976, by Blue Moon Odom and Francisco Barrios.

Carlos Zambrano also dominated on the mound, only giving up 3 hits and no earned runs in his eight innings of pitching. The only run scored by the Sox was plated on an error by Aaron Miles, who was quoted after the game as saying, "I want to do everything possible to let my former teams win." Miles played for the Sox briefly for eight games in the 2003 season. He was seen after the game walking out of Wrigley Field and holding hands with A.J. Pierzynski.

Zambrano announced his retirement shortly after game, handing over a duffle bag full of cash to Jim Hendry stating, "I'm tired of shit, this is what I owe you for the rest of my contract. I'm going home to see my kids." He then collected for his $100 bet with reporters that bet him he wouldn't retire after his contract was up.

In my hopes of posting this it will rid JDot of his 13 game losing streak going to see the Cubs. It is now my fault if the Cubs lose tomorrow.

Stop looking at me OR I WILL KILL YOU. AARRGGHHH. HULK NO LIKE TIE!!! Como? I'm not on steroids.

In No One Gives A Shit News: It wouldn't be a Cubs blog if we didn't mention Sammy Sosa. Oh wait, we already did that? Apparently someone at the New York Times has the list of people who tested positive for PED's back in 2003 and is slowly leaking the names. On Mike and Mike in the Morning, Golic repeatedly said it would be a travesty to let out the rest of the names, that these were never supposed to be released to the public and it would be equal to going to your employer and telling them something in confidence and then having them tell everyone.

Except it's not anything like that at all. In 2003, MLB finally decided to crack down on PED's. They tested everyone and since there were no rules in place to punish banned substances, no one got in trouble. Then like the asshole that the government is, they got involved and interviewed a select few players who had suspicion of using. Of course nothing came out of this. Players like Bonds claimed he never used steroids. Now there is proof that he actually did but he will never go to jail for contempt. Sosa is the same story.

Whoever failed the tests in 2003 were cheating, fair and simple. Don't tell me it wasn't punishable. It's still cheating. Someone has the names and is going to keep the Steroids Era going on forever until all 104 names are released. Just get it over with. We all know who did steroids and who didn't. Really, the announcement that Clay Aiken is gay was more of a shock to me than Sosa. I'm sure half of those names are players we never even heard of. As for the superstars, they will judged just as the A-Rods and Bonds. And those who aren't on the list will finally be exonerated. Don't we at least owe it the honest players of the game?

Cubs fan opinions are mixed. Even in our poll, it's about even on whether he should be in the HOF or is just a douchebag. Hopefully this is the last of the story though, as I think everyone in Cubdom agrees. I doubt Sosa's lawyers will ever release a statement, as Sosa said he would immediately do if anyone came out with evidence. It will be a sad day in hell though when a douchebag (Sosa) gets into the Hall before a Chicago hero and greatest Cubs fan of all time (Santo). That might actually make me stop watching baseball.

Look, that's me! No YOU Suck!

And finally, in Non-Related Cubs News: I am being stalked by the Ghost of Paul Noce. Today I was going through my Google Reader and came upon this article warning Cub fans not to attend the Crosstown Classic. Look, that's me at a game in Mesa! You should have asked me for a photo, I kindly give them out. It's a great article, I mean nothing says supporting your team like letting the visitor fans have free reign in your own park. Oh wait, that would be like going to a Cubs game at Chase Field.

So, yes, I have a jersey that is personalized with the name Drunk on the back. I am the butt of all jokes from bloggers such as Bleed Cubbie Blue and Hire Jim Essian, who are the only true fans. I am of course am an unemployed, living at home, high school dropout whose hobbies include smoking meth and bowling.

Oh wait, I'm not. I have a Master's degree, am actually employed, made enough money to not only move out of my parents house (which I did when I turned 18) but move to AZ (insert meth smoking here), and don't do drugs. Okay, you got me, I like bowling. At least Al Yellon and Bad Kermit can ~~come~~ cum together on something. But wait, isn't Al unemployed and still manages to write the worst Cubs blog on the Intrawebs? Seriously, you keep a record of how the Cubs do according to which hat you wear, and I'm the joke? GFY.

Go Cubs!