MLB Network: Almost As Informative as the Muskrat

Cubs vs. Japan. Sushi. Naked Girls. See, there is a reason for the photo. What, you would rather look at a picture of a bear eating a salmon as a metaphor?

I enjoy the MLB Network. Personally, I'm a baseball guy. I actually enjoy watching the games, reading the blogs about nothing (as of late) and following the players (although you wouldn't know it with all the mess-ups I have on this site). So when NFL Network came out, I wasn't too enthused. But I can get on board with the MLB Network, so much that I have it programmed as one of my favorite channels. It's a nice change from the Food Network, which has it's logo burned into my screen because I watch it so much of it.

So I watched MLB Network's "30 Clubs in 30 Days" program on the Cubs last night. Let me say, "WTF!" Wow, I don't think I could learn any less about the Cubs, unless of course I read my own posts.

Here is what I "learned":

Aaron Miles is the Cubs everyday 2nd baseman. As MLB Network pointed out, Miles had a career year last year. Sure he doesn't hit for power. Who would want that? Fucking anyone dumbasses! First you tell me the Cubs will miss McDreamy's power numbers, then you don't even mention that Little Babe Ruth has been hitting the shit out the ball with 4 doubles, 2 triples, and leads the team with Hof-Power and Soriano with 2 homers for spring training. Meanwhile, Miles doesn't even have an extra-base hit. Don't get me wrong though, I love ex-Cardinals.

Could you possibly ask the same question for EVERY interview? Yes, you could? That's great! All I really wanted to know is why can't the Cubs win a playoff game even though they were able to easily make it there. The answer, by every player and Lou: (spoiler alert) "We tried too hard." Really, cause it kinda seemed like you didn't try hard enough, or you might have won a damn game. But whatever, I digress. I would have liked maybe something more from an entire hour long program with about 6 different interviews to learn about, but I guess not.

Why is it when I search for photos for Chad Gaudin's beard, all the links go to Five Outs to Go?

Oh yeah, and Reed Johnson has the biggest goatee EVER. Except not. Have you seen Gaudin's? It's like ZZ-Top's redheaded step-child. It must have mystical hitting powers too, because Chad is slugging 2.000! Look out Big Z, you got a competitor for the Silver Slugger Award.

Speaking of which, how funny is it that Lou HAD to hit Zambrano in today's loss against the Japonese, even though he has the option for the DH. Lou said he didn't want "a huge headache" if he didn't. Might be part of the reason why he decided to start Big Z on Opening Day for the 5th straight year. As we all know the Cubs haven't won on Opening Day since Carlos has been getting the nod, but don't be surprised if he follows up one slightly memorable outing against the Astros last year with another one. Then those sissy-girls won't have anything to complain about.

So back to the 30 Clubs in 30 Days. If you missed it (I'm looking at you J-Dot) and want to spend an hour of your life you will never get back, MLB Network is re-airing the Cubs on Saturday, March 14th (which don't forget is also Steak and BJ Day) at 8am (ET) and Monday, March 16th at 12:30am (that's at night, ET).

COI outing number...I can't count that high...is on Saturday. Lazy Steve is driving, so I can finally wear my Drunk jersey and not be lying about it! Looks like Italian Beefs and Margaritas (PRE-game style) might make a couple appearances. Don't you wish you were here?

There's your god-damn metaphor. The Cubs lost a-hole!

Go Cubs!

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