Cubs defeat Brewers...yawn...

Yeah, kind of funny how quickly that got old. The funny thing about today's game is that there were some people out their in Brewerland who thought they were going to win simply because we beat their aces. It went something like, "Well if they beat CC and Sheets then we will probably steal one from their new ace." The only problem with that logic is that Harden is one of 3 aces on this team and probably ranks second to Zambrano if for no other reason than Z being the better hitter. The Cubs demonstrated what they are capable of doing when they are relatively healthy. They are far and away better than this Brewers team in every facet of the game. It really didn't take this series to see that either. That is why unlike Ginger Russ, I was no where near a ledge.

Let's take a moment to laugh at some quotes that Braun made before this series began...

"The pressure is on them this year; all the expectations are on them," said
Brewers leftfielder Ryan Braun. "We're just going out and having fun."

You call that having fun???

"We learned a lot last year. We realized the importance and significance of
every game and not really focusing on what the Cubs are doing or what the
Cardinals are doing. We've done a great job of that so far. If we keep doing
that, we'll be fine."

You really should have focused on what the Cubs were doing the last couple days man.

"Last year, a lot of the pressure and expectations were on us. This year, it's
on them. We just continue to go out and work hard. They're expected to win the
division. We'll see what happens."

Who put pressure on you guys last year? Your fans and media didn't wake up to realize you were even decent until you were choking the division away.

There you have it folks. We have all the pressure and the Brewers are just out their having fun. We had better watch out!

"The crowds have been unbelievable, phenomenal," said Braun. "It's definitely
exciting when they're behind us. We feel that intensity and energy. It really
means a lot to us."

How does it feel when the fans in your stadium are singing "Go Cubs Go" Ryan?

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Harden Ineffective, Only Strikes Out 9, Still Gets the Win

Look at me down here. Yeah, down here, off that ledge. It sure does feel nice on solid ground again, at least for now. And Lazy Steve hasn't even had a tantrum and broken bottles in the backyard for over 5 days. 5 DAYS!

Yes, we can all gloat now. All the trash talking from Brew-Crew fans can return to crying in their Old Milwaukees as they have seen what was supposed to be their triumphant return to sole-poses of first place turn into (if STL holds the lead and wins tonight) falling into 3rd place. Maybe it's because no one in WI can get over the fact that Favre is NOT going to be playing for the Green Bay Yahtzees this year that the Fatties from the North couldn't even pull out one game. Who knows? All I know is the Cubs ARE a better team than the Brewers and finally played that way. Offense. Defense. Pitching. And better looking.

The Cubs return home now for an extended home stand. Harden is finally happy to get a win. Dempster is proving he can win on the road...more than once. Lassie is making sure Cubs Bleacher Bums are reminded that he doesn't play for the Cards when he trots out to center. Soriano is again the Cubs leader for dingers (with Rami), despite missing like half the season. Zambrano proved once again he will break you in half with his knee if you don't do what he wants. Even Marquis is happy because he didn't have to pitch and was able to go out drinking at the worst strip clubs this side of the Mississippi each night.

I could go into all the stats, the matchups, the moronic trash-talking that Milwaukee did before this series...but I think I will just lie back in my lazy boy, have a shot of Crown, smoke a cigarette and get comfortable. For now, it's "No Worries Town".

In other news, the South Side Meth Heads picked up Griffey Jr. Somewhere Dusty is crawled up naked in a fetal position and sucking his thumb wondering how he is going to manage a team without a 500+ home run hitter to "un-clog" the bases. And since there is nowhere to put Griffey in Chicago besides center, we have a new poll: What's the over/under on Griffey pulling a hammy?

Go Cubs!
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Take it to these cocky aholes!

2 games are in the book. The Cubs pasted the Brewers today behind an inspiring outing by Big Z. I really see no reason why we can't sweep this series now. Dempster and Harden are sure to be ready after watching Lilly and Zambrano hold their end of the bargain up. Even Aramis got going tonight. If he stays hot the rest of this series it is lights out. We have a chance to finish this series like we finished that series in '03 against the Cards. Let's make it happen!

I want to touch on a couple of things before I head to bed...



Does anyone really think Braun is a decent left fielder. Everyone is quick to mention the fact that he has no errors this season in left. Who gives a shit? The guy has no idea how to play a line drive as we all saw tonight. I saw an interesting article in the last issue of Popular Science I received regarding how to appropriately identify Gold Glovers. Rather than using field percentage and stats that don't factor in a players range they used a players range in relation to the rest of the league and the plays they made. Makes sense to me. I am not saying anyone is calling Braun a Gold Glover because we all understand the only award he will win in the OF is a Silver Slugger but things like this should be paid attention too. They guy makes Soriano look like a solid LF for shits sake.

Karen Carpenter will allegedly start for the Cards tomorrow...does anyone really give a shit? I am going to be honest, I think he may be done. He was damaged goods when he went to St. Louis. He had a couple great seasons and parlayed a nice contract out of it. Now his arm is falling off and St. Louis is trying to run him out there in the middle of a pennant race. This wreaks of desperation. Isn't it fun to watch the confidence of your main rivals melt off their face as you walk into their home park and give them a sound pounding?


It's your turn tomorrow Dempster. Make us all proud!
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Welcome to Hell Brewers!

OK, maybe that was a bit much...

Maybe it wasn't. The Cubs just got done moving the unmovable (literally, not figuratively) pitcher. That's right. Take away that dinger Howry gave up (yeah another one) and Lilly hangs a loss on Big Cec Little Cec CC Sabathia.

So let me break this down for you simpletons. We have Zambrano, Dempster, and Harden going in the next three and you have Sheets, Parra, and Bush. Wow, my prediction of the Cubs taking 3 of 4 in this series just got a lot more likely.

I'm guessing Zambrano was watching CC's antics out there today. CC was jacked up and he showed it. Good luck handling Z tomorrow guys. He is not the type of guy that likes to be upstaged. You can bet he is either going to bring his best stuff or drill a couple of your hitters tomorrow. If I'm Fielder I don't know which I would prefer. He does have a long and promising career ahead of him once he gets out of Milwaukee.

The good news Brewers. You are still up 2 on the Cards and only 2 behind the Cubs. The bad news. The Cubs have a realistic chance of doing to you what you just did to the Cards. This game was a confidence builder for the Cubs and a crushing loss for the young Brewers. They have played well against some mediocre competition, true. Back to the real world guys. You have 9 more against the Cubs and at most your savior, who has never beat the Cubs, can only pitch 2 of them. You on the other hand are looking at Zambrano, Dempster, and Harden at least a combined 7 times. WEEEEEEE! This is going to be fun.

BTW - I hope your arm feels good tomorrow CC. 130+ pitches...do any Brewer fans really think they are resigning this guy?

Seeya tomorrow night guys! Sleep well!

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Wisconsin: Come smell our dairy air!

+ PLUS

+ PLUS

+ PLUS

EQUALS =

Go Cubs!
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I went to a Minor League Game and a WNBA Game Broke Out.

Still a game ahead. Go Cubs!
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COI "This time it counts" Outing #3: Success: Late Post Edition

3 games in 3 days is tough work. I don't know how season ticket holders do it. Of course they probably don't drink $240 worth of beer and shots and only eat food that comes in a bun and is smothered with mustard for that time period either. My liver and stomach officially hate me. To recap: I witnessed an almost perfect outing by Harden on Monday, got completely shit-faced on Tuesday so the lost didn't seem as bad, and finally saw the Cubs bats get into play yesterday. All-in-all some very successful COI visits the Cubs at Chase outings.

Yesterday's game was of course the best of the three, as the Cubs offense finally lit it up. I don't know about you, but I'm getting really tired of this going through the first 2 games of a series like a dead horse and then putting up football scores on the 3rd day.

Consistency. /kənˈsɪstənsi/
–noun, plural -cies.
1. a degree of density, firmness, viscosity, etc.: The liquid has the consistency of cream.
2. steadfast adherence to the same principles, course, form, etc.: There is consistency in his pattern of behavior.

Yesterday marked the return of Soriano. 1 for 5. I'll give him a couple days back before I start putting him back on my shit-list. He looked rather slow fielding also. I didn't know a broken hand would slow someone down after coming off the DL.

Theodore Roosevelt Lilly pitched good enough to get his 10th win (3 Cubs now have 10 or more). But it was Lilly's bat and super-fast lighting speed on the base pads that were the highlight. After strategically hopping the ball over the third baseman's head for an RBI in the 5th, Lilly actually stole 3rd base! It was like one minute he's standing on 2nd. Then I blinked and the next thing I saw he was on third. It was awesome. Lilly was actually so hyped up that he kept faking stealing home afterwards. Mike Quade had to physically restrain him.

And of course Reed Johnson, going 3 for 4 and hitting a grand slam to (almost) put the game out of reach. Thank you for giving Lou a reason not to keep putting in Lassie. We miss the killer Rod Beck 'stash, but if you keep this up, then grow whatever type of facial hair you want.

Special mention also goes out to Mark Reynolds, the 3B for the D-Bags, who accomplished the much difficult "Golden Sombrero", or "Just another day at the office for Jim Edmonds". Way to go Mark. That's what you get for robbing Theriot of a double to lead off the first game.

Other notables I would like to touch off on:

1. Brett Favre go to hell. A NASCAR section on the ESPN sports ticker is bad enough, but now I have to read about your shenanigans every 10 minutes too. Hey, did you hear about Favre trying to return his TV at Circuit City? The report is covered here. If you're too lazy for the link (I highly recommend the link. Lozo is genius), here is a little clip:

“Well, it was really weird at first,” said Jane Leeves, a Circuit City employee who works in electronics. “He came in carrying this 20-year-old TV and said he wanted to give it up, return it. We usually don’t accept returns after six months, but heck, he’s Brett Favre, so we let him do it.”...

“It meant so much to me,” said Favre, who was still fighting back tears and crying like a school girl. “I had fun. I had a lot of fun with that television. But I know now that it’s time to give it up.”

But as Favre left the manager’s office in the back of the store, and proceeded to walk to the front door, something happened. As he made his way out of the Circuit City, throngs of fans began dissipating. They started not to care that Favre was heading out to his pickup truck in his Wrangler jeans. And just as he passed the laptop computers, something changed.

Favre stopped and looked around. He asked one of the cashiers to run back to the manager’s office to let him know that he actually wanted his television back...

But when Favre wouldn’t leave the Circuit City, Dickson stepped up and called NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell to help get Favre out of the store. Goodell calmly spoke to Favre for several minutes within earshot of customers, most of which had lost interest by this point. The few who still cared heard the words “pride,” “old” and “give it up already, we’re sick of this shit.”

Goodell then grabbed Favre by the neck, choked him out, then carried him from the store over his shoulder. Security footage showed Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers purchasing a 60-inch flat screen at Register 4. Rodgers gave a thumbs-up as Goodell left with Favre.

2. Why do Cub fans still insist on bringing up Bartman? Oh wait, that's the media that keeps bringing it up. FUCK! What would ESPN do without a heart-wrenching story about curses and 100 years and goats and black cats? Honestly, I have to give Bartman credit for not cashing in on the "hype". I know I could use 25 grand. Maybe hire a real writer for this site...or at least a couple of hookers. Shit, even Alou is still crying about it. Get over it people!


3. How is the Selig story already dead?

4. Wood is on the DL. Of course this has happened since I started writing this blog over 8 hours ago, so that's another day. Notre Dame?

Cubs win again! Pretty good after getting into Chicago around 8am. Big Z is still a better hitter than Micah Owens. GFY Micah! Nice job moving to the setup man. Marmol? Still not convinced.

More tomorrow. Go Cubs!
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Why do the Cubs suck in AZ? Why not asking them?

You know it's bad when you come to work and a co-worker asks you if you are going to the game tonight and when you tell him, "Yes", he replies, "Sweet!" The Cubs hate Arizona, or at least playing at Chase field. I have now been to 5 games in the past 2 years living in the Valley of the Sun and the Cubs have won 1 game.

WTF?

So I headed over to the HIlton Double Tree Super 8 Motel in Phoenix to get some answers from the Cubs themselves.* As Desi Arnaz would say, "You got some 'splanin to do!"

Sweet Lou: "It's the batting practice, no more batting practice. Oh wait, that didn't work."

K-Fuk: "My bat suck, I try other player's."

D-Lee: "If those damn players ahead of me would just hit doubles, I wouldn't be hitting into all those double plays."

Soto: "The heat makes my guy-liner run."

Soriano: "I haven't been playing, remember? Broken hand? I'm in tonight, just wait."

Fontenot: "Uh hello, Little Babe Ruth over here. My little back can't carry this team to much."

Ramirez: "My 'lady-friend' in the Dominican just had a baby. I can't get any sleep."

Harden: "At least they gave me run support in Oakland."

Wood: "I have a sandy vagina."

Howry: "I think I shat myself."

Thunder Matt: "I'm not even on the team, what am I doing in AZ?"

Marquis: "I just plain suck everywhere, AZ has nothing to do with it."

Marshall: "I thought this was Extended Spring Training."

DeRosa: "I'm too busy blogging."

Reed: "Fu-Manchu! Fu-Manchu."

Mike Quade: "Damn helmets."

Gerald Perry: "Hitting? Are talking about hitting? Hitting?"

Ivan DeJesus: "Don't fuck with the Jesus."

At that point Hank White woke up, and proceeded to chase me out of the hotel.

*Some quotes may be fabricated.

Sorry for the crappy post, it's been a long week. I think COI has giving Jackson's on Third enough money to put the owner's kids through college.

Go Cubs!
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COI Invades Chase: Loosing Streak Continues

COI invaded Bank One Ballpark Chase Field last night to witness another disappointing effort by the Cubs against the hated rivals in the West, the D-Bags. Harden pitched a gem, going 7 innings and giving up only one run and striking out 10. Seeing Harden live was awesome, and he has some filthy stuff. Unfortunately that one hit was a home run to some no-name (his first ever). And that was enough the D-Bags needed to beat the Cubs, as they were shut-out by Randy "I can't lose to the Cubs in like 156 attempts" Johnson. I would more than surprised if Johnson wasn't #1 in HJE's Cub Killers of My Time.

But enough about the game. Being "lucky" enough to see the Cubs in my adopted hometown is fun, but unfortunately Bank One Ballpark Chase Field kinda sucks to see a ball game at. So here are the plus & minuses of that shoe-box the D-Bags call home, besides the fact that whenever the COI team goes there, the Cubs lose:

Plus: Jackson's on Third. This bar just down the street is the ultimate hangout before and (sometimes) after the game. Plenty of good beer on tap, lots of tables, bags, and even a Wii.

Minus: Beer at Chase is even more expensive than at Wrigley, and extraordinarily hard to get. Beer vendors are almost non-existent and you'll pay anywhere from $6 for 10oz of crappy MGD or Lite to $10 for a 20oz bottle of "premium" beer.

Plus: 75-80% Cubs fans. I've never been to "Wrigley North", but Chase has to be considered "Wrigley West".

Minus: Indoor baseball. Yes, it's like 105 degrees out, but still, baseball is meant to be played outdoors.

Plus: A decent selection of food vendors. Everything from sushi to Fatburger. What? Sushi doesn't belong at the ballpark? Get with it, it's the 21 century.

Minus: Every half inning there is another STUPID promotion or giveaway to entertain the fans. I understand DC having the President's Race or Milwaukee having the Sausage Race, but a Let's Make a Deal ripp-off. What?

Plus: The largest scoreboard in MLB, along with tons of interesting stats. Did you know K-Fuk was born in Japan?

Minus: D-Bag fans are entirely clueless to the game. They have to be told by the millions of electronic signs when and how to cheer. When the Cubs executed a sac bunt last night, D-Bag fans cheered loudly. Guess what, the hitter was TRYING to get out. That's why it's called a SACRIFICE.

Plus: D-Bag fans don't drink beer, so the lines for the bathroom are much shorter.

Minus: Despite all the signs and other "stuff" the park is pretty boring. It's shaped like a box, it's dimensions are mirrored in both the left and right field. There is nothing that makes it unique, it's like a cookie-cutter home in the suburbs.

Plus: Plenty of parking. And you're not going to pay anywhere near $30 for a lot. $5 top. And you're still within a couple blocks of the park.

Minus: Is this a ballpark or a day care center? Drop your kids off at the miniature version of Chase behind the center field wall to play whiffle ball. Or at the pool in right field. Or just let 'em run around freely. Whatever.

So even with the few "Pluses", Chase Field is mostly an boring and disappointing outing. I would never go there if they were playing anyone besides the Cubs. I feel bad for D-Bag fans, especially when they have an actually nice NFL stadium in the Pink Taco University of Phoenix Stadium.

Well, tonight another COI trip to Chase. I hope tonight's outing goes a little better. Apparently Lou is trying the no batting practice approach now.

"Tomorrow, we're canceling batting practice, and the next day we're going to cancel batting practice," Piniella said. "We're going to come out here and stretch and play. That's it. I'm tired of seeing balls flying all over in batting practice and when the [darn] game starts, see very little or nothing. We'll just go play and hope that'll get it done. We did it Sunday and it worked."

ARGH!

Go Cubs!
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Open letter to the Cubs: Post-Casino Edition

Dear Cubs,

2 runs in 18 innings. 2 solo home runs. Lassie and Big Z.

Is this some sort-of sick joke? Did you forget about having the second highest runs scored in all of baseball. Or all those other hitting stats I posted earlier this week? Angry Mike is dead on. Your shit is lackluster...at best.

Okay, I'm not Lazy Steve and breaking fans like I'm Kyle Farnsworth. No. I'm not jumping off the ledge. In fact, I'm not even close to it. I'm still waiting for the elevator. But seriously, it's embarrassing.

The Idiots will be heading out to the 3 games against your old first-baseman's and announcer's team, the D-Bags. You own the West. Hey Cubs, get your shit together, beat the Astros tomorrow and sweep AZ next week. And K-Fuk, the road isn't that different from home, get your shit together. That goes for you too, Dempster. Let's see some of what you threw in the All-Star game tomorrow...

Of course you need something more than a ex-Card and a pitcher to get some runs. And yes Aramis, I'm looking at you.

Go Cubs!

Sincerely,

Ginger Russ (formerly Drunk Rusty)
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Disinterest

That is a one word summary of last nights Cub's game. I was moderately disinterested and the Cubs seemed generally disinterested. Let's try to remember that this is a 162 game season and these are the dog days. Most of these guys just had 4 days off and it looked like they had a difficult time getting back into game mode. That being said, there is no excuse for yesterday's lackluster effort. Lou said all the right things but you know he said something to the team after the game. Something like, "hey, those assholes from St. Louis and Milwaukee are giving it their all...how about we don't sleep walk through the first week back."

It would have definitely helped to have Z on the mound for the first game. Lou is looking at the big pitch though. We won't see Z or Dempster here in AZ because Lou is setting things up so that Marquis doesn't pitch against the Brewers. SMART SMART SMARRRT.

The bottom line is there are a ton of game to play and we are about to get Soriano back. Now let's hope the guys come out the next 5 days and hand a couple of inferior teams their asses.
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Alyssa Milano hearts the Cubs

Thank God baseball is back. In appreciation, I bring you another worthless post.



Honestly, we do take our site seriously.

Go Cubs!
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The "Halfway" point

Now seems like a good time to look back at the predictions I made at the beginning of the season.

NL Central - Well things have turned out pretty much as I thought they would with the exception of the inspirational nauseating story that is the St. Louis Cardinals. I predicted 75 wins and it is looking like it will likely be more like 85-90 wins for them. Fortunately, the Cubs are on their way to 95-100 wins if they stay healthy. The Brewers are probably going to pass the Cards to take second place and the wild card behind the strength of their new ace.

NL East - Well the Mets are finally starting to play like a contender. It was only a matter of time. They will likely pull ahead of the Phillies to take this division. I don't see them calapsing like last season. The Braves and Marlins are pretenders.

NL West - We I was right about one thing. The D'backs are an over rated team filled with players that strike out way too much. The season long injury story with Byrnes severely hurts them on and off the field. I underestimated how stupid Clint Hurdle is and the Dodgers are underachieving....again. This division is still up for grabs but the D'backs appear to have the advantage down the stretch.

NL Rookie of the Year - Soto....YEP! Possibly Volquez.

NL Cy Young - Still possible but not likely. Could be Zambrano. Likely to be Lincecum.

NL MVP - Not going to be Martin unless he carries the Dodgers to the division title. Braun is a candidate, so is Utley, and don't forget about Aramis if he stays healthy and productive.

AL Central - The Tigers are making a run but the Sox are in the drivers seat. I underestimated the Sox a bit but I still think Ozzie will blow this and they will tank. Danks and Floyd have been huge for the Sox. Detroit is still in contention with 9 games left with the Sox. Cleveland...what a disappointment. At least they got something for fatboy. Look out for Minnesota. They just always seem to surprise.

AL East - I liked the Yanks because I thought they would pick up CC. They didn't and their pitching is struggling. Losing Wang was huge. I still think they take the wild card. The Red Sox are right where they always seem to be these days. How bout them Rays thought. I don't think they hang on and they are already beginning to wilt under the pressure of expectations. They are certainly set up to contend over the next few years though. With a new stadium they could become a legit team in that division.

AL West - The Angels are where I thought they would be and the Mariners aren't. Hamilton is the story in this division. He torn the cover off the ball here in AZ and just keeps hitting. Injuries might be the only thing to keep him from winning a triple crown.

AL Rookie of the Year - Daric...who? Looks like it will be Longoria.

AL Cy Young - Sabathia is in a new league. Could be Lee but my money is on Lackey making a case down the stretch.

AL MVP - A-Rod. Depends on the second half. It is possible he will go off and get the Yanks to the playoffs. If that doesn't happen it could end up being Hamilton.

Playoffs...I too early to talk realistic playoff scenarios. You will have to check back two weeks before the end of the season.

Peace

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Selig's Energizer All-Star Game...It keeps going, and going, and going...

After further consideration, I would like to nominate Bud Selig as the new COI Idiot of the Moment. I understand I was a little hopped-up last night on the Vodka drink and other forms of mind-altering substances so it seemed that of course Dan Uggla should be the one to blame for my anger.

But waking up this morning and being semi-clear headed I was able to think about my reaction last night. And as many of the sports blogs and papers this morning, I have come to a similar conclusion:. the All Star game should not count. Sure we were all outraged when the game ended in a tie a couple years back (were we really, I don't remember swearing off baseball because of it) but the knee-jerk reaction of Bud Selig not being able to handle Fox Sports "disappointment" went too far. And the game last night finally proved this.

Between the steroid hearings, baseball's entire lack of a salary cap leading to some teams paying more for one player than other team's entire payrolls (yes, I know the Cubs are guilty of this), the stupidity of not being able to solve the DH, and the great "Hall of Fame" game debacle, Selig has proven he is a certifiable Idiot. In what other sport do we have to worry every four years that the players might strike and there won't be any games? But last night's errant disregard for the fans and players by Selig might as well be the straw that breaks the camel's back.

I highly doubt many fans were still watching in the 15th inning, especially on the East Coast, where the time was 2 in the morning. I could barely make it through the whole thing, and I live in the Pacific Mountain Standard (it's an AZ thing, we don't change our clocks) time zone. And how many managers were freaking out about their pitchers being placed in situations in which they seriously injure themselves just because "This Time It Counts". You could see Lou wasn't too pleased when Dempster came in to pitch the 9th after he just pitched on Sunday.

Hey Selig, there is a time when you just bite your lip, take the "backlash" from half-hearted baseball fans and call the fucking game a tie. But who will get home field advantage? How about that old rule that worked for over 90 years and is used by every other sport league, it should go to the team that has the better record. Isn't that what makes sports interesting: The underdog being disadvantaged? Actually the home field advantage used to alternate. This also seems stupid.

So I express my disingenuous apology to Dan Uggla. Even though you are fucking Idiot that couldn't be a ball boy for the Joliet Jackhammers, and couldn't hit a fly ball if Gil Renard was holding your child hostage. It's not your fault that if the Cubs go to the World Series they won't have home field advantage.


The All-Star game shouldn't count for shit except being fun (someone forgot to tell Big Z the game counts when he feigned throwing at Manny's head), showing fans match-ups of great players that probably wouldn't happen otherwise, and giving props to those players that have stood out for half a season and a break for the rest of them. I'm sorry if I came off as the same type of Cubs fan that still blames Bartman for losing game six in '03. Sometimes it's easier to blame a hapless asshole that doesn't know any better than to blame to source of the problem: the man in charge of the show.

So Bud Selig, it's amazing how in the course of 2 days you have proven that between Josh Hamilton not winning the Home Run Derby and a 15-inning, 4:50 "exhibition" game that you sir are a true Idiot. And now everyone else knows it too.
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GFY Clint Hurdle, Dan Uggla, Corey Hart, and Bug Selig

I thought I would single you jackoffs out for costing the NL the World Series home field advantage.

Let's start in reverse order, just for shits and giggles.

Bug Selig, this damn game should have ended 1.5 hours ago and shouldn't have counted for anything. Instead, a bunch of scrub NL reserves botched the game. GFY. This is by far the stupidest thing you have done in a tenor full of dumb ass mistakes. I am sure every fan and manager out there was excited to see their players out there until 1:30am.

Corey Hart, thanks for having a puss arm. I am not blaming you for losing the game. I am blaming you for not extending what I was hoping would be a painfully long game. Had this thing went 20 innings Pud would have been forced to rethink the stakes of the game and Joe Madden would be on his way to NY to kick the shit out of Terry Francona. Instead, Bud may have ammo to prolong things and Terry is still a genius. GFY.

Dan Uggla, thanks for sucking. I thought Christian Guzman was the worst NL all-star but you proved me wrong. You are TERRIBLE on D and you choke in clutch situations. GFY assface.

Finally, Clint Hurdle. WTF were you doing pulling Aramis for a pinch runner. He was arguably the most dangerous fucking hitter you had left. It is no wonder your team that seems to have tons of talent sucks so bad. Seriously, made me pine for Ned Yost tonight. Thanks for wasting 4 strong innings of Cubs pitching you dick. GFY.

Oh, I almost forgot. A bonus GFY goes to Tim Lincecum. Poor baby was "sick". Yeah, meanwhile Dempster, who pitched 2 days ago, came in to bail out Hurdle's dumbass for an inning. Perhaps the most dominating pitcher on the team sat out with a sandy vag. Congrats on losing the respect of many of your peers btw. I am sure they won't think anything about the effort they gave in a meaningless game while you "got better".
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COI Idiot of the Moment: Dan Uggla

Really? This guy is an All-Star? Fuck! TWICE you had the chance to give the NL the lead in extras. Both times all you had to do was at least hit a fly ball into the outfield and let the runner on third tag up. Instead, what do you do? Double-play and strike-out. And I loved those 2 consecutive errors, too. Did someone pay you to lose the game? Did Tim Donaghy or Pete Rose pay you off?

The game is still going on, but you sir...FL 2nd baseman...Dan...Uggla...you are an IDIOT. I wouldn't care so much normally, but there is a real chance that this game might matter for the Cubs. Speaking of which, Big Z and Dempster (striking out the side in the 9th) were awesome. And McLouth, all Cub fans thank you...for now.

GFY Florida and your crappy "All Stars". Fucking Lassie would be an All-Star if he was on your team.

Go NL!

Immediate update: Uggla just bobbled a routine ground ball to allow the runner on second to advance to third. God I hate you. Okay, the NL is out of it. 13th inning. My lucky number...

Update #2: Uggla's 3rd error forces the Marmot to pitch 4 outs in one inning. Fortunately, no problem. BTW, did you see Sweet Lou's look? It probably went a little like this. Let's play 14!

Update #3: You just struck out in the 15th. Go suck a bag a dicks.


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MLB Intermission: Let's All Go to the Lobby

At the break:

• 4-1/2 game lead in the NL Central.
• 8 All Stars - Most in MLB.
• Best Record in MLB.
• Best OBP in MLB.
• Most Walks (taken) in MLB.
• Best Home Record in the NL.
• Best BA in the NL.
• Best SLG in the NL.
• Highest Runs Scored in NL.
• Most Hits in NL.
• Most RBIs in NL.

Expected Record for 91-71.

Go Cubs!
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Cubs benchwarmers are your team's best players

Yes, it's hard to let go sometimes. So Gallagher and Ginger Murton both debuted impressively for the A's on Friday. I can't say that I don't feel proud. Maybe it's because us redheads have to stick together, or that the A's play in the American League so whoever they beat or lose to doesn't matter at all to the Cubs standings. Or because I had an old roommate from Cali that was an A's fan, so I had to watch many of their games. But it's nice to see the both of them do well in another city when there really was no room for them here. Hey, they will both still get a ring if (and when) the Cubs win the Series. That should be worth something.

From the A's website:

Oakland tallied five hits in the inning, including a two-run single off the bat of newbie Matt Murton, who made his A's debut in left field...Meanwhile, Gallagher made an impressive debut on the mound by surrendering just two runs on two hits while walking three and striking out seven in seven innings of work.

But while both Gallagher and Murton played their hearts out for the Cubs, both the brothers Patterson couldn't live up to the hype, no matter how much Dusty, Gail Fischer, or my ex loved you guys. So GFY's Pattersons. The young catcher Josh Donaldson is still working it in the A's farm system. Ironically that is also where Thunder Matt was supposed to be, while the A's decide who they will deal him to next. God help us all if it's the Cards. I don't which would be more difficult: rooting for Edmonds or jeering Murton.

Overall, it's nice having a couple bench warmers that are good enough to stand out on a mediocre team that we can "give away" for one the game's best pitchers. Let's "Get 'er Done" tomorrow, Harden. Or should I say, "How about pitching well, eh?" in your language. Show us all Hendry isn't as drunk smart as he looks.

Go Beer! Go Cubs!
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Aramis Breaks in his Walker Cherry with Something Big, Long and Hard

Super-quick recap:

Never a dull moment...unless your listening to the game. Pitching duels are something to be seen, not heard. Marquis de Suc doesn't actually suck and pitches a gem: 7 innings of no-runs and only 3 hits. San Fran's Cain equals him with the same line, but with 9 strikeouts to Marquis' 4. Enter the bottom of the eighth. The Riot leads off with a hit. Fontenot, or "Little Babe Ruth", bunts him over (so someone else besides Dempster CAN bunt!). Bruce Bochy decides to have Tyler Walker intentionally walk Lee to setup the double play against Ramirez.

DUMB!!!

Hey Bochy, Lee is the guy you want in to hit into a double play. He has hit into like 3,429 so far this year.

Anyway, E-Ramis steps up to the plate to face Walker for the first time ever. WHACK! Like an overanxious 13 year old seeing boobs for the first time, Ramirez pulls out his boom-stick on the first pitch and hits it deep...really deep. Out of the park deep. 41,000+ strong cum together and rejoice. Even Ronnie remarks it's one of the most beautiful things he's ever seen.

I heart Aramis!

Kid K comes in the ninth to close. Instantly gives up a double, a walk, and a base hit and all of a sudden visions of Alfonseca come rushing to my head. But this isn't the Cubs of old and Kerry closes out the rest of the game quickly.

Cubs Win! Go Cubs Go and all that jazz.

Tomorrow, Cubs fans get a hard-on for Harden (I think I might actually be tired of this reference already). Early game for tv. GFY again Fox Sports. Fortunately I will be on my way to Flagstaff for the Made In The Shade Beer Festival. I love festivals, especially ones that are all about beer.

Speaking of beer...wait, isn't that Kevin Crawley, the number one fan of the Chicago Cubs from the video in yesterday's post?

(Special thanks to Hire Jim Essian)

Go Cubs!
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COI Video of the Moment: The Cubs Had A Bad Day.

Bring on San Fran! Go Cubs!
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Goodbye Murton, We Will Miss Ye

I always knew I loved Matt Murton, I just never understand that most Cubs fans enjoyed him as much. Sure he hit just below .300 for the Cubs in over 3 years of play. Sure he was the best thing to come out of the Nomar trade. Sure he has one of the best Cub blogs in his namesake. Sure he has a million nicknames: "Thunder Matt", "Ginger Murton", "Big Red" to name a few.

But I think it was red hair that captivated the North Side Fans the most.

Briefly over-viewing Cubs blogs today, little can be said about how great a pitcher Harden is if he can stay healthy. Even less about how Gallagher is actually a great young pitcher and will probably become one of baseball's best in the next 3-4 years. And nothing about how Eric Patterson will boost the A's power ten-fold. Wait, that last one isn't going to happen. But nothing except praise, sadness and gratitude can be said for Murton.

Obviously, Thunder Matt's Saloon was crushed. Their tribute was touching, especially the "Big Lebowski" version by Daft Funk:

Thunder Matt was a good baseball player and a good man. He was one of us. He was a man who loved the outfield...and bowling, and as an outfielder he explored the right fields of the National League, from Wrigley to Coors Field and...up to...Pittsburgh. He was traded, like so many young men of his generation, he was traded before his time. In your wisdom, Lord, you took him, as you took so many bright flowering young men at Khe Sanh, at Langdok, at Hill 364. These young men gave their lives. And so would Thunder Matt. Thunder, who loved baseball. And so, Matthew Henry "Thunder" Murton, in accordance with what we think your dying wishes might well have been, we commit your final mortal remains to the bosom of Oakland, which you loved so well.

Good night, sweet prince.

John over at Wasting Away Wrigleyville chronicled his reaction as a fellow pasty Irish guy, including that of his girlfriend's heartbreak.

Five Outs to Go wishes Murton and his magical unicorn good luck in Oakland.

And the blogs go on. If blogs are any indication of fan-dome, I'm sure when Big Red travels back to the friendly confines he will get a deserved standing ovation.

Go Cubs!
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Cubs make it Harden to beat them.

Welcome to the team Rich Harden. The Brewers may have acquired CC Sabathia, but Hendry fired right back by adding Harden to an already pretty awesome starting pitching staff. What this means, come playoff time, the Cubs can fall back into a three man rotation which would also include Big-Z and fellow Canadian, Ryan Dempster, both of whom are on the All Star Team. And even if we need a fourth man, TRL isn't too shabby. Plus that means no relying on Marquis De Suc in an important situation. With Kid K closing and when the Marmot decides to return to his old form, this is the most lights out pitching staff from start to middle to relief any team will see if and when the Cubs make the post season.

The Cubs also acquired Chad Gaudin, who has been 5-3 with a 3.59 ERA in relief this year.

Unfortunately, the Cubs had to give up my favorite Cubs redhead, Matt Murton, along with "E-to-the-P" Eric Patterson, Sean "Goofy-face" Gallagher and minor league catcher Josh Donaldson. On the plus side, I never did order that Murton jersey, but on the negative side what will happen to Thunder Matt's Saloon? And what is a Cubs team without a Patterson? It's like cookies without milk, peanut butter without jelly, or Drunk Rusty without a bottle of Vodka.

Hopefully Harden can stay healthy. Just don't take any training and conditioning advise from Soriano.

Go Cubs!
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COI Video of Moment: Angry Cards Fan, Part II

It's Monday. Which means I am totally uncreative today. A lot has happened in the news lately involving our Cubbies, a douche-bag, and particularly to those cheeseheads to the North.

In case you have been locked away for the weekend because you decided to drink and drive and got popped, here is a quick recap, with links.

Brett Favre can't stay out of the news. Yeah, he "might" come back. Just like that annoying itch on my genitals, he just won't go away. I'm sure Lazy Steve is conjuring up a great post for this one. Like the rest of WI, COI can't get enough of this bastard.

CC Sabathia is being rented out by the Brew-Crew till the end of the season. Just wait till next year when CC and Sheets are gone, and Prince is on the last year of his contract. Plus Milwaukee gave away one of their top prospects and a couple more guys, to be named later of course. Sure it's worrisome, but look at what CC did against the Cubs in his one outing: (click on the image to enlarge)


In case you can't read it, he has 34.71 ERA against us. Sure it's only one game and was over 2 years ago, but maybe we can increase that just a little more.

A-Rod is dating Madonna. Does this mean he can't play on Saturdays? I told those fucks down at the league office a thousand times that I don't roll on Shabbos!


And for the good news:

Big Z is back! Hey Carlos, tell your Marmot friend we want him back too.

The Cubs send 7 players to the All-Star Game, including: Soriano (will not play), K-Fuk, E-Ramis, Han-Soto, Big Z, Kid K and the Dumpster. Plus Lou! Apparently the AL decided to only pick players from the Bo-Sox and Yankees. ESPN was pleased.

And in final ranting news, we bring you that asshole Cards fan, who makes us laugh again through with his 4th-grade level logic: (Special Thanks to Desipio.com again)



A couple thought before I go. Number 1: This dude has a wedding ring on. God help us all. Hopefully he's drank enough St. Louis water that he is now impotent and can't procreate any more idiots. Letter B: Remember when Mad Dog returned to Wrigley after leaving from his second stint with the Cubs. I remember cheering. Same thing with Gracey. In fact, I know a lot of Cub fans were especially happy for Grace because he WAS able to get a ring. Now if Sosa ever came back...hmmm, maybe not so much. Part F: Please keep posting these. PLEASE!!!

Go Cubs!

And yes, I'm sure Lazy Steve and Angry Mike will post again soon. This blog just keeps going downhill when I'm carrying it all the way.
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An Open Letter to Fox Sports

Dear Local Fox Affilate,

Thank you for ruining my Saturday...yet again. You see, like many of my fellow Americans, I "work for the weekend". This means I usually have plans on my Saturdays that venture me away from my humble abode. I also look forward to the weekends because it gives me a chance to watch my favorite baseball team, the Chicago Cubs, on television. You see I work what my roommates call, "banker's hours" and do not arrive home after work until 7:30pm. I also happen to live in Arizona, which being on Pacific time, makes it too late for me to watch any Cubs games on television during the week unless they are playing a West coast team on the West coast.

So when at the beginning of the year, my roommate and I traveled to the bar early one Saturday morning, I was shocked to learn that even though 3 bars in the area had the MLB package, none of them had the game on. Why? We came to learn that because you are a selfish-prick-fucking-asshole, you block all the games on Saturday so if you want to watch baseball, you have to chose the one game out of the two that my local area decides to play. GFY!

So when I learned that the Cubs vs. Cards game was in fact one of these "precious" games, I got excited. "Yes," I said, "I get to watch the game in perfect HD, not on the low-quality non-HD WGN feed, or even the lower quality MLB.tv feed on my computer."

But then it was brought to my attention that instead of picking up the Cubs vs. Cards game, you would be playing the Bo-Sox vs. Yanks game. What? Have you actually noticed how many people living in AZ are actually from the Midwest? And now the East Coast?


As you can see from my crappy graph, that very few people from the East Coast live in AZ. So why the FUCK are you showing the Bo-Sox vs. Yanks game? Do you not want people to watch your Game of the Week? I am completely confused.

To show that I am fed-up with your shenanigans, I will be boycotting the following shows also on your channel:

American Idol
Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?
Bones
Don't Forget the Lyrics
House
The Moment of Truth
So You Think You Can Dance

Unfortunately I can not go as far as to say I will stop watching the greatest tv show ever created, 'Til Death, although I will only watch it in SAP, so I will not understand any of the hilarious jokes your crack-staff writing team has come up with.


Please re-think your position on your choice for the "MLB Game of the Week" this Saturday. It would be very much appreciated if I could watch the Cubs in your stellar HD feed. Thank you.

Sincerely,

Drunk Rusty


Go Cubs!
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COI Goes Canadian on Your Arse, eh?

Happy Canada Day!

This day also marks the exact middle of the year since this is a leap year. So also...

Happy Hump Day-Year!

With these two glorious holidays, and not much time to write an actual post because the parents are in town and I've been hanging out with them at night and my job is STILL super busy, I bring you the DP shot:

Ryan Dempster is our favorite Canadian-born Cub (currently playing, who knew Fergie was actually born in Canadia as well?) Despite being a HILARIOUS fellow, he has effectively moved from the bullpen to starter this year, although the fact that he can't win on the road to save his life is a little troubling. But did you know Dempster also likes to swoon the ladies? Below is a picture of how Dempster will get your wife to take off her top by autographing a baseball.


The ball reads:

Christine,
Take your damn top off!
Ryan Dempster

And here you can find the article from Deadspin describing the situation that lead to this debauchery.

Sorry for the random and ill-conceived post. I would have written about how Kid-K flipped the double bird to Sox fans over the weekend, but all the other real blogs beat me to it. They can be read here, here, and here (check out the last link to the HJE site that includes a video of a Sox fan getting beat down by both Cubs AND Sox fans. At least both sides can come together for the common goal of giving some drunk asshole his comeupins.

Go Cubs!
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