It's Not My Fault I'm an Alcoholic, I'm a Cubs Fan.

First off, the beginning of the Cubs regular season will NOT help my drinking problem at all. I'm already about a half pint of Smirnoff vodka down, and I'm sure I will finish it off by the time this blog is over. Please excuse the mistakes.

Second off, two of the Idiots, this one included, traveled up to Vegas this weekend to see the final couple games of spring training. Win one, lose one. But Lazy Steve is away on business, and took the photos from the game with him, so that will be for another post. The last cookie story just wouldn't be the same without a picture.

Third off, GO FUCK YOURSELF MLB.COM!!!! I've been listening to all the spring training games online, and yet when I go to listen to the Cubs opener on mlbradio.com what do I get? NADA! Okay, I use a Mac and updated my version of Safari today, which may have something to do with it. Tell me MLB.com, why are you always late updating your site so we all can listen to the games? Not all us graphic designers are panzy-tree-hugging hippies. I paid your fees, even though I should be able to listen to the game for free on WGN online. Come on, it's not like getting rid of the umps and having cameras call balls and strikes, so don't be afraid of the new technology. It won't hurt you. So instead of listening to the game like I had planned, I had to randomly check the action of Gameday...which is so yahtzee.

Yes D-Lee, I am the greatest thing to come to Chicago since your huge cock!

Someone please tell me, did Santo have a heart attack on air? Cause if I was watching that game live, I know I probably would have. Or at least have an acute case of alcohol poisoning. Speaking of which, I need another shot to heal this pain.

Okay...mmm...vodka. I feel a little better.

So what I gathered from my cool interactive screen with it's cheesy pitcher and strike zone "showing" me the game is that Big Z pitched lights out, K-Fuk was perfect, and yet no one else on the team seemed to get the memo that the regular season is here. I mean it's pretty obvious. What, did no one notice that you are playing in the almost freezing rain of the Midwest instead of the sunny 85 degree weather of the Valley of the Sun? Still, the Cubs managed to prove that they are the Cubs...we have a good starting pitcher that pitched really well, one player hit everything like it was Tyson with a whore, and then our closers come in to fuck it all up.

Deep breaths...deep breaths...it's going to be okay. Have another shot. It kills the pain.

It's only the first game. We're only 1 game back. We will turn it around and take the final two games of the series. I mean this is our year...right? Vegas odds on the Cubs winning it all are 7-2. That means the $20 I laid on the Cubs at the MGM sportsbook will pay out only $70. That's really bad odds, which means all the experts think this is the year for the Cubbies.

Let's look at the game, or rather in my case, read it live on Gameday.

Big Z posts his greatest effort to win his Opening Day game. He is our new COI Hero of the Moment. Wait this just in...some guy from Japan went 3-3, and hit the game-tying dinger in the bottom half of the ninth inning to tie the game up after someone gave up 3 runs in the top half. He is our...

Official COI Hero of the Moment

Wrigley Field turned into the Fuku-Dome after Kosuke's blast in the ninth. Welcome Fukudome!

K-Fuk was nothing but brilliant at the plate (Really, Jay? Bartman? Get over it.) At this rate he will hit 1.000 with 162 home runs and 486 ribbies. Way to set the bar Kosuke! Welcome to the Cubs, in true fashion. You pretty much can't do any better than that, and still your team performs like shit. Besides your pitcher, who along with Marmot were flinging strikes like they were the new beenie baby's at McDonald's (really, I must be drunk for that metaphor?)

Speaking of which...shot time.

Zambrano left the game with cramping. DRINK SOME GOD-DAMN WATER!!! It's called agua in your country, and unlike Venezuela, you can actually drink the water here. Really, should I be bitching? You did pitch 6-2/3 no-run innings. But are we already going to have to start worrying about Zambrano crapping up all the time...again? It's only 60 degrees, or so I read. It's no 95 degrees with 100% humidity, you should not be cramping up.

So then came in Kid-K. He was awesome on Sunday, as we saw him close out the final three outs of spring training with only one small hiccup. I was almost ready to give Kerry my first born child. Finally a closer that won't step up and lose the game for us. Well Wood, welcome to your new job as the Cubs closer. Same story, different names. You sir, are our....

Official COI Idiot of the Moment

Hey, it's not Sosa's radio at least.

What the hell happened out there? 3 runs? Fuck, has Dumpster given up on trying to be starter yet? Does he want his old job back?

Okay, 10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1. It's only one game. Woody won't be that bad for every game. I have confidence. I am special. People like me. It's going to be okay. Have another shot, that will help.

And just as Zambrano was soooo close to being our Hero, Howry is only a cunt hair away from being the Idiot. We did get back in the game, remember? The hero? That Japanese guy. So at least we have proven that not only does our closer suck, but so does our backup closer. Is it time yet to move the Marmot into the role? My roommate said he was filthy, which is pretty much what everyone has been saying for past year.

So 0-1. Did I really expect the Cubs to win? No. Did I expect Wood to fall apart so soon after a good spring training and last outing? No. Was I wondering where Matt Murton was to come off the bench and hit the walk-off home run? Yes.

Do I like to ask myself questions and then answer them when I am drunk...

Hopefully I can listen to the game on Wednesday. And if there is one thing I remember from being a Cub fan it's that at least they can't lose on the off-days. Just remember like in "What About Bob", it's all about the baby steps.

If only I could be as stiff and hard for Mrs. Banks.

And congrats Mr. Cub!

Well, looks like I'm out of vodka and still depressed, even ending on a good note. I guess I will need something else to pick me up.

I'm going through hot chick withdrawal since returning from Vegas.

Go Cubs!
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2008 MLB Predictions

Well here we go....

NL Central

1. Chicago Cubs - A solid rotation anchored by Carlos Zambrano complimented nicely by a bullpen full of hard throwing right handers. The lineup is a bit streaky but the addition of Fukudome coupled with Soto taking over the everyday catching responsibilities should help stabilize things. The Cubs are the class of the central and should win 90+ games. Those predicting a World Series trip for the Cubs may be right on this season if Rich Hill realizes his potential and Kerry Wood keeps pitching like he has in spring.

2. Milwaukee Brewers - A very young and solid lineup. Many of their starting pitchers are unproven and a bit green. The bullpen is pretty shaky. A nice team but they don't have enough to start with the Cubs. If they can make a move at the trade deadline they probably should as the window of opprotunity is already closing due to Cec's unhappiness with his compensation.

3. Cincinnati Reds - They seem to be up an up and coming team but that is nothing knew. A potent offense but a very questionable rotation. This team could actually contend if the cards feel right but we know that won't happen. How do we know? A certain toothpick chewing moron is managing them. That's how.

4. St. Louis Cardinals - Yeah, they are going to suck, and so will the entire bottom half of this division. The starting rotation is in shambles but they still have a decent lineup when Pujols is healthy. 75 wins would be a good season for these guys.

5. Houston Astros - Again, a decent offense with a terrible rotation and bullpen. Is anyone seeing a pattern? Tejada probably has a 30 homer season in him in that crackbox of a stadium and should provide a bit of protection for Carlos Lee. Oswalt (aka The Midget) has no compliment in the rotation. Does anyone even know who they have wondering around in their once dominant bullpen?

6. Pittsburgh Pirates - I am going to keep this short and sweet. They are going to suck. They will likely be a pain in the Cubs ass as they always are, but they will suck bad.

NL East

1. NY Mets - The only truly balanced team in this division. The addition of Johan Santana will end up pushing them over the top. Injuries to Martinez, El Duque, Delgado, and Alou are likely to factor in to whether the finish at the top.

2. Philadelphia Phillies (Wild Card) - One hell of an offense but besides Hamel, no one in the rotation scares anyone. I am not convinced Kendrick will 15 games like everyone seems to think he will.

3. Atlanta Braves - The rotation is already showing it's age. Unless Teixeira has an MVP season and Escobar has rookie of the year numbers I don't see the Braves keeping pace.

4. Washington Nationals - The new park will boost revenues and potentially allow them to expand their payroll but the benefits from that won't be seen for a couple of season.

5. Florida Marlins - The have a lot of young talent which they will likely continue to trade away. The Cabrera/Dontrelle trade will deflate the offense but open up a rotation spot for one of their many potential star pitchers. The key word their is potential.

NL West

1. Los Angeles Dodgers - It seems that Andre Ethier is going to steal some of Juan Pierre's playing time which will only help this anemic offense. If they get anything out of Jason Schmidt I don't see how they can't win this division. The chances of the D'backs winning the division despite barely having a positive run differential are low as the chances Nomar will stay healthy.

2. Colorado Rockies - Matt Holliday anchors a more than capable offense. The rotation is only a question mark due to Coors. They have some young guns that seem not to be intimidated by the challenge of pitching in Coors. They could easily slip by the Dodgers.

3. Arizona Diamondbacks - I hate to say it D'back fans but last season WAS a fluke. That young lineup does not have any patience and Byrnes is not likely to repeat last seasons career year. Anyone who thinks Randy Johnson won't break down is kidding themselves. They have 2 nice starters but lost their closer, and I'm sorry but Qualls isn't the answer. Could they end up winning this division? Sure, but they used all of their mulligans last season.

4. San Diego Padres - Just not enough offense. Couple that with the fact that they now employ Michael Barrett and Mark Prior and one wonders how their fans could expect to be anything but disappointed.

5. San Francisco Giants - They will now suffer from keeping Bonds around all those years. I hope it was worth it. They may be the worst team in the National League.

Rookie of the Year - Geovany Soto

Cy Young - Johan Santana

MVP - Russell Martin

AL Central

1. Detroit Tigers - Tons on offense. I still love to talk shit to my Tiger fan friends about Jock but if him batting 9th for them is the biggest problem they have then they are likely going to have a nice season. Injuries to the starting rotation will make or break this team. They better hope Zumaya gets healthy because they need all the help they can get in the pen.

2. Cleveland Indians - Another solid lineup in the Central. C.C. will probably get the Cy Young in his walk year. This is another team that better get it done because the window of opprotunity is closing. They also need some help in the pen. Who doesn't though?....besides the Cubs (LAUGH).
3. Chicago White Sox - This was a toss up between the Sox and Twins. I am going to give the Sox the nod based on what I saw in Spring Training. This new Cuban player looks pretty solid. Thome is sure to fall apart and Konerko is likely to have another below average campaign. That 2005 season feels like a long time ago doesn't it Sox fans?

4. Minnesota Twins - The loss of Santana slides them to fourth in the division. Trading him was the right decision since they won't have knocked off the Tigers of Indians. They picked up some nice players but they are a lot like the Marlins and A's. They get some nice talents and dumps them after a couple of playoff seasons. Hell, I wish the Cubs had those problems.

5. Kansas City Royals - They have some nice young position players. Butler can fucking rake. If Greinke pans out as a starter they might slide up a notch in the division. Overall, they just are not that good.

AL East

1. NY Yankees - Sorry Red Sox fans, I thought the Yanks were better last season and I think they are again this season. It will boil down to injuries in this race. They really need Matsui to stay healthy. Joba will probably move to the rotation before the season is out. The Red Sox better sneak one more division title in there this year because C.C. is headed to NY next season.

2. Boston Red Sox (Wild Card) - Manny, Varitek, and Ortiz are all 1 year older. They could end up winning the division if Lester and Buchholz give them some good starts. I guess I don't know what to think about the top of this division. All I know is that if you take out the past few years the Yanks have always bettered the Sox.

3. Toronto Blue Jays - They have enough hitting and pitching to hold off Tampa but they just aren't in the same league (ok smartass....I guess they are) as the Yanks and the Red Sox. Halladay might have enough in his tank to compete for another Cy Young now that Johan is gone but even that is a stretch.

4. Tampa Bay Devil Rays - The Rays are young and talented as usual. They are a trendy pick to compete in the East this year but I think any objective baseball fans knows better than that. They are a year or 2 away from really making any noise.

5. Baltimore Orioles - JUST FUCKING GIVE US ROBERTS ALREADY ASSHOLES!

AL West

1. Los Angeles Angels - Tons of Angels in the outfield. Man what a terrible movie. Anyway, Weaver looked sharp in his Spring Training outting against the Cubs. If they get Lackey back healthy by mid-May they should be fine. The offense is improved and Garland provides them an established 3 starter. All that and I am just not buying Seattle.

2. Seattle Mariners - They have enough to finish in 2nd in the West, I just don't think they can sneak by the Angels. They are fairly close to the Angels on paper, especially if they get ANYTHING from Sexson but I have to give the edge to the Angels on coaching. If Felix has a breakout year they could prove me wrong.

3. Texas Rangers - Josh Hamilton may have been the best hitter in Arizona this spring. What does that mean? Not much. They still don't have any pitching. Eventually their management will figure that out.....maybe.

4. Oakland A's - They are reloading. No sarcasm there. They have pulled off some nice trades and have stockpiled some nice talent in the field and on the bump. I expect to see Gio Gonzalez in the majors sooner than later. Billy Beane really fucked Kenny Williams on that trade. Swisher is a nice hitter but Gonzalez may turn out to be an ace.

Rookie of the Year - Daric Barton

Cy Young - C.C. Sabathia

MVP - Alex Rodriguez

Playoffs

NL - Cubs over Phillies, Mets over Dodgers, Cubs over Mets

AL - Tigers over Red Sox, Yankees over Angels, Tigers over Red Sox

World Series

Why not, I probably fucked the rest of this up......Cubs over Tigers.

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Losing faith in society, again.

I stumbled upon an interesting idiotic article today. Evidently Mr. Routtenberg thinks that Cubs fans are like mice. Well my friend, you are an ass. You are a neurobiology/psychology prof at Northwestern. On paper people might see that and say, "wow, he has to be smart." What does this tell me? You are not smart enough to actually practice the medicine of brain science. How can I tell? I have had quite a bit of experience with neurologists and neurosurgeons over the past year. The doctors I have had are truly some of the most impressive people I have ever met. I am a walking testament to how awesome they are. Then you have people like Routtenberg who have spent time "analyzing" the thoughts of Cubs fans. Forget the fact that (most) Cubs fans are just like anyone else and just want to see their team win. He focuses on how Cubs fans seem to follow the team based on limited and sporadic success. Yeah it has nothing to do with our parents passing down family traditions or simply geological allegiances .What should we do? Be like you? Run out on your favorite team because they lost a game you went to? Become Yankee or Red Sox fans? Who the hell is the mouse? You know what. The article wound me up and now I am done with it.

In other news, Drunk Rusty got his ass kicked by K Wil in chess the other night. To be fair I did too but I don't pretend to be good. I know I suck. I might actually be kind of good if I could just avoid that one terrible move but I can't. I don't have the patience for the game. Now Family Guy trivia, there is a game that really tests your wits. One more thing. Four Peaks Raj IPA is not that great. If any of you find yourself at the brewery eyeballing it because you are a big IPA fan like myself, just say know. You will be disappointed. Oh, I almost forgot. The Cubs hit some dingers today. Yay. Do these games count yet?

Good luck in Vegas to Drunk Rusty, Lazy Steve, and K Wil.
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the Lazy one is acutally Drunk Rusty

So unless I get to fixing the site tomorrow, we won't be ready for the start of the season. And I probably won't. I'm ubber-busy at work, and Lazy Steve controls the good computer at night...for Flight Simulator. Hey Steve, you know how I know that you are gay?

It's not the Appletini's!

But really, did you expect anything less? So in case you never read our blog, yes, I'm taking to you "Mr. for some reason I googled Adam Archuleta's girlfriend and wound up on your crappy site!" asshole, the "lesser" Idiots will be traveling to Vegas this weekend to see the Cubs wind-up their Spring Training season before being snowed-out on Opening Day at Wrigley for the first opening season game at home that I can remember since I was still in college...and no, not the one with the Idiots, the real one. (longest sentence ever!)

So soon, I promise. Like Tuesday, or whenever I wake up from that alcohol-gambling-stripper-Vegas coma I am in. Hey, I am the only fucking designer on this site, and I'm really not that good.

In the mean-time, Angry Mike will (hopefully) keep you entertained with intelligent blogs going off about how much our team is awesome! We...okay...I will be back soon to posting and fixing shit. And new changes are just over the Hill.

And speaking of Hill, I think I'm off to download the first season of Arrested Development onto my iTouch to watch while waiting in the airport on Friday. You know, a little bit of "research" on our shaky youngster.

Oh, and if you're wondering why I didn't make any changes tonight, it's because I was at the free PENNYWISE show tonight. Sorry, I love the Foo, but nothing beats a classic punk band with only 300 of your favorite friends. Fuck you stadium rock.
"Screw the perfect people/fuck they all look the same"...fucking rocket scientists!

Go Cubs!
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Arrested Development

OK, I won't have anyone thinking I came up with this. It was Andy Dolan over at Desipio.com that originated the joke. As usual he was spot on. Rich Hill really does embody all that is George Michael Bluth. They are both goofy little bastards that just seem to make you laugh no matter what.

I think it is pretty uncanny. Anyway, our favorite Bluth boy had a decent outing today. OK, so it was against the hapless Giants. You have to start somewhere don't you? Evidently Richie was over thinking things and they simplified his mechanics. This seems like the perfect fix to be honest. He has a nice fastball but he lives off that curve. He becomes very hittable when he can't that hook over. It is nice to see Larry is trying to get someone's head out of the way of their arm. I know he typically doesn't have much time for projects like this around this time of the year, what with all the simulated games he is usually watching, but hopefully he has Mr. Hill on the right track.

In other news, it appears Marquis will start out the year as the number 5 starter in the Cubs rotation. This probably isn't a bad idea. Get or so decent starts out of the guy before he implodes around the 2nd half then insert a well rested Lieber to finish off the year. Oh, we also picked up Reed Johnson off the scrap heap. I guess I will get to see what he has left in the tank tomorrow in Tempe. Either way I think Pie has done a fine job of putting things together this spring and will be fine playing center and batting 8th.

Is it Monday yet?
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Kid K will not dye his hair purple

Big News!

The Cubs' pitching situation is all locked up. Pinella announced today the starting lineup for the 2008 "World Series Champions" Chicago Cubs. It goes a little like this:

1. Big Z (R)
2. TRL (L)
3. Dumpster (R)
4. George Michael Jr. (L)
5. Marquis de Suc (R)

And our closer is Kid K.

Okay, I like it, I hate. You know what doesn't worry though, this mother-fucker isn't our manager, and once Hill and Dempster start keep fucking up, I'm sure we will see at least Lieber back in the rotation. And if Wood proves he can't close more than 2 games straight, look for the Marmot to get the closing position quickly. Lou keeps a short leash, and even though there are 162 games, it's going to come down two games or less that sends the Cubs or the Brew Crew clinching the division (despite what Thunder Matt's Saloon thinks...really, the Reds? You forgot to mention to Welcome Dusty to the team, oh and I think some of us remember these guys: Paul Bako, Jerry Hairston Jr., Corey Patterson. Yeah, they kick ass.) Uncle Lou isn't afraid to play the "What have you done for you lately?" game.

"When this is all said and done, we'll need more than five starters," Piniella said. "That's always the case with every club. No team is lucky enough to get away from that."

So the hate, pretty obvious Dempster can't go more than seven innings, Marquis will fall apart...again, and Jesus, has anyone even noticed that Hill can't throw a strike worth a shit! Plus, I can't believe Lieber didn't make the rotation. He's definitly been our number 3 best pitcher this spring, and experience pitching in Chicago is a must, especially early on in the spring, when temperatures border freezing.

The love, our setup and closing. Kerry has shown he is the shit. As long as he is able to stay healthy (sans Dusty will definitely help this) he has proven he deserves to be our closer. Wood has not walked a batter in 10 innings, and has looked dominating, hitting 98 mph regularly on the radar guns. And the new position won't change him.

He doesn't want any particular theme music for his entrance in games. Don't expect him to dye his hair purple or dance off the mound. That's not Wood's style.

"[Being the closer] is definitely something new, but it's exciting for me," Wood said. "The way I feel, I feel I can go out and be consistent doing it, so I'm looking forward to it."

Plus with the Marmot and Howry, he will be able to get enough rests, keeping his shoulder ready. The setup will also benefit with basically having 3 closers, and with Lieber, who although doesn't look forward to the new role, we are able to always bring someone in to stop the bleeding every time Hill, Marquis, or Dumpster takes the mound. Add with Wuertz being pretty much lights out this spring, and Neil "I Fucking Suck and am a Hippy" Cotts finally being sent down, we should be able to stay in every game this year.

So as Angry Mike AND Lazy Steve reported, the official final Idiots Spring Training Outing was last Saturday. And yes, Appletini's suck. Fuck you JD!

I expect some final posts from the two higher Idiots (even though they can't beat me in Chess, and I have a higher degree) and you will surely get one from our trip to Vegas to see the Cubs play the Mariners. Hopefully the girls in Vegas are as "interesting" as the girls in Mesa. Check out one of many pictures captured by Lazy Steve at the game Saturday.

Hey baby, you got some fries with that shake?

That is if I can remember, or am not in the hospital with an acute case of chlamydia from that Puerto-Rican escort or getting my stomach pumped from eating too many crab legs from the buffet.


Go Cubs! Less than a week till real games...WHOOO!!!!
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8 more days

Well it really hit me today. Spring Training is almost over. The Idiots attended the Cubs v Sox game yesterday. Evidently it ended an 8-8 tie. I couldn't have told you because I left early to listen to the remainder of the Purdue game.

Yeah, they lost to Xavier. The Boilers played a tough game but Xavier couldn't miss. Xavier has a real chance of making the Final Four. Purdue probably wins that game if they don't shoot 50% but they did. They play solid defense and have multiple threats. Most of the college basketball world will find out that the Boilers will end up being a more talented version of the current Xavier team. Again, they WILL be, they aren't yet. It was a good year for an underclassman laden Purdue team but it is over.

Back to baseball. I love Spring Training but I am ready for the regular season to begin. Lazy Steve and I will be heading to a game on Wednesday and the 2 lesser Idiots will be heading to Vegas for the games against the Mariners. I would love to go but it just is not in the cards this year. Next Monday brings opening day in Chicago. Zambrano will be out there in what is sure to be a frigid Wrigley Field dazzling the home crowd. Lazy Steve and I will be sitting around his place in sunny AZ having a few brews and freaking out about game 1 of 162. I can't wait. Wednesday marks the end of another successful Spring Training season for the Idiots. Rest assured, half way through the marathon baseball season I will begin planning for the insanity that is sure to be Spring Training 2009. That's just how I roll.

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Appletini's are not Gay

And by not gay I mean Appletini's are extremely gay. But, when Dos White Guys runs out of Margarfuckingrita's, well, fuck them. I'm going to drink some fruity ass green shit. After all the Old Style guy wasn't around. So maybe he's beat me at Chess twice. Fuck him. I'll leave him to playing his penpal from the Ukarane who makes a move once every 24hrs if he's lucky. That's retarted.

Speaking of retarded, I had the pleasure of getting to see a whole bunch of sox fans today. So the game ended in a tie. But there''s something about coming back in the bottom of the 10th against those retards that is just extremely satisfying. Too bad Matt fucking thunder from down under Murton couldn't get it done. I love him, but dammit. WTF mate.

So get a load of this picture of the typical sox fan. Get a fucking haircut you goddamn hippy. I fucking hate hippies. I really hate sox fans too. I;m kinda drunk, so i'm going to cut this short. Russ just beat Angry Mike at chess. So he's the awesomest motherfuckingchessplayer ever. Fuck him.
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Idiots vs. Meth-Heads

The South-siders travel North tomorrow for round 2 of the cross-town classic, "Cactus League Style". You know the Idiots will be there!

Have a great weekend, and hey if Lazy Steve gets drunk enough, although not too drunk, he might even post. Then again, maybe I will get laid this weekend too.

Go Cubs!

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Tribune vs. Sun Times, Zell vs. The Fans, Young vs. Old

This story has all the makings of something great, except anything actually important, or journalistic for that matter.

Sam Zell, the new owner of the Tribune Company, and thus the Cubs and Wrigley Field has openly expressed interest in selling the naming rights of Wrigley. If you haven't heard this, well then you might want to join us here in the year 2008, pick up a paper once in a while, or read this fucking blog more than once, because apparently it's the only thing that seems to matter to many Cubs fans of late. Who cares about going 100 years without a championship? These are the same fans that when I go to the game are stuck on their cell phones all game, or complain about the drunks and scantily-clad ladies in the bleachers.

So the Sun Times had a contest to create a song about Zell selling the naming rights called, politically correct, "Zell No". And the winner is...Katie Hamilton of Glen Ellyn, a Chicago Tribune intern. Kinda cute too. I said kinda. Anyway, her song, which is based off of Twisted Sister's song "We're not gonna take it", is called "We're not gonna change it". She beat out a 61 year old grandma and 73 year old gramps. Tough competition.

I really don't care about the naming rights, which I have expressed here, and here. But honestly, this video is pretty funny, especially the part where Zell chases them around Wrigley Field.
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When Cards fans lose bets

You may be asking yourself, "who is that young lady with Angry Mike." That is a friend of mine named Stacy. Why is she in the lead picture of my latest post. Because she is a delusional Cardinals fan. She doesn't really look like one in the picture but that is because she lost a bet to a certain Angry guy. I really enjoyed winning the bet but I have to say I didn't get too much satisfaction in seeing her in the Cubs gear. Maybe it is because it was a suckers bet. That's neither here nor there. The fact that she was not interested in double or nothing is very telling though. After their ridiculous WS win they finally understand that they just don't have a very good team in St. Louis. With that I am going to raise my glass to another year of stomping the Cards......and breaking fat Wisconsin fans hearts all in one.

In a quick recap, the Idiots made it to Tucson to witness Hill's wild performance. It wasn't very inspiring but I think we understand how George Michael is at this point. On Sunday we saw Zambrano mow down Angels for 6 inning. Holy hell was that something to see. Then Woody comes in to nail it down in quick fashion. Sometimes I have to sit back and remind myself that this is simply Spring Training and that it is nothing to get too excited about. That's because for every game like I saw on Sunday there is one like I saw on Saturday. The regs will start playing every day now and we can finally begin to get serious about things.

Finally, the NCAAs are REALLY beginning tomorrow. Purdue v Baylor at 11:50am local time means I will be taking a 2 hour lunch. I can't believe I have a rooting interest in a team playing against the 'Bears'. I will be pulling for the Boilers big time tomorrow but you won't see me badmouthing Baylor. Between their mascot and all the bullshit their bball team went through a couple year back they will get nothing but respect from me. I'll save all the unnecessary comments for next year IU games.

Peace

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I Got Wood, Until I Saw the Stats

As reported in the Sun Times, Kid K has pretty much locked up the closer position for the Cubs this spring by showing he is effective and consistent, something Cub's closers are not usually known for. The Idiots got to see him briefly, and I mean briefly, putting the Angels away with only six pitches in the ninth on Sunday, and he definitely looks ready. The only test now is to see if he can go back-to-back games, which Lou is going to do this week.

While Dumpster was actually fairly decent last year, completing 28 of 31 save opportunities, he is better remembered for ending the year with a record of 2-7 and pretty much sucking. Pursuing his new goal this year of losing at least 14 games, or double the amount of last year, Dumpster has moved into the starting rotation, where he has proven so for this spring that he is ready to attain that goal, going 1-1 with a 7.27 era, the highest of all the Cubs starters.

Unless Wood decides to turn into the Brewers down the stretch, it is his position to lose. The Marmot, Wood's closest competition has shown Alfonseca-like control, even without the use of twelve fingers.


Howry, who many believed would be able step into the position with a good end of the season last year, has proven even worse, almost as bad as Neil "Don't fucking put that mother-fucker in" Cotts, with just a slightly better era of over 11 and giving up 12 hits in only 5 innings of work.

While the Cubs have been praised in the media for carrying one of the best pitching staffs in the majors, the stats this spring look pretty bad. And once these guys get into the snowy confines of Chicago and the rest of the Midwest, I don't see it improving much. Let's look at our starting rotation:

Big Z - Duh! 15 innings pitched and only a 0.60 era with 14 strikeouts. That means at least 200 strikeouts this year.
Rich Hill - I hope he isn't a one-season wonder. So far this spring an era of 6.35 giving up 3 more hits than innings pitched and an equal amount of walks as strikeouts. His control is as good as a chick in a "Piss your name in the snow" contest.
Dumpster - Still in the dumpster
TLC - era 6.00, but might get better in real games.
The rest:
Marquis, Marshall and Lieber. I hate to say it...wait, no I don't. Thank God we brought back Lieber. This spring he has pitched 10 innings, striking out 8 and only walking one for a 1.80 era. Close behind, and hopefully gone soon, Marquis is actually pitching pretty well.

And our setup men don't look that much better. Fucking Neil Cotts giving up a blast to Thome on Saturday that I think has yet to still come down. Then we got the usual Idiots: Eyre, Howry, Hart, Ceda, and Wuertz...

Wait, has anyone even noticed that Wuertz might actually be pitching the best of all the pitchers behind Big Z? Only 3 hits over six innings of work, with 11! strikeouts, no walks, no runs and an era of 0.00! Fuck, why isn't this a story?

Anyway, the Cubs will have to have a good offense this year, because I see a need to score at least 4-6 runs by the sixth inning in order to let our setup men give up a couple runs and still win some games. Luckily, our competition is thin to none, and it will definitely be a benefit to play in the weakest division in probably the majors.
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Real pictures

Lazy Steve, Drunk Rusty, & Angry Mike pose between innings.

I was motivated by Rusty's drawing to post an actual picture from the game. Yeah I should probably get the drink out of my face, so what, want to fight about it?

Not a bad game. Evidently The Dumpster helped some guy get engaged. Wow. He is pretty pretty well this spring but he just won't give up his night job. He may be a great guy but the average Cub fan will never really know. All I see is a guy who NEEDS to draw attention to himself when he should be focusing on making the Cubs starting rotation. There is no doubt he has the stuff to do it. If only he could get his fucking head on straight now.

Guess what? K-Fuk can play defense. We all knew this coming into this but The Muskrat felt this was important enough to waste bandwidth on so please feel free to read ALL ABOUT IT!

K-Fuk and Mr Pie looking bored.

Well the Idiots are off to Tucson on Saturday to see the Cubs play the Sox. I would say we are going to watch the Cubs massacre the Sox but the reality is that only a few of the stars will come and it's spring so anything can happen. It will be warm and the beer will be cold and that is all that matters. Ever the ahole Sox fans won't be able to ruin it. Oh, we will be heading to Mesa for the game Sunday too. BOOYAH!

Oh, go Boilers tomorrow. I don't know if we have ever beaten the Illini 3 times in one season. Now is a good time to start traditions though.

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When sucking.....kicks ass

Why.....why on earth would I draft such a terrible fantasy baseball team. Because in Kermit's fantasy league sucking doesn't suck.....or something like that. You probably notice Cubs favorites like Ankiel and AJ on the team. Yeah, well the more the suck the more it helps me. Wish me luck everyone. Or don't....either way I am good.

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No News, Is Good News

The Idiots invade HoHoKam Park (artist rendering)

Ahhh...Spring Training is finally in full swing. And how about those Cubs? 5-10 you say? I hardly even noticed, what with all the gorgeous weather we have been having.

So when do we become worried? It's only spring training, right? Honestly, I haven't been very good at keeping track over the past week to what the hell has been going on. I'm even ashamed to say that I haven't been listening to all the games, even though I can stream the games here at work. So news...news...news. I guess I can rip off some other blogs for that.

Desipio made a brief trip out to AZ this past weekend to enjoy a couple spring training games. I was hoping to maybe run into him, talk about blogs, Cubs fans, next year...HA! No really, I respect the hell out of Desipio, but I don't even know the guys name. Apparently he had a pretty good time, and was able to witness the relay throw from Dempster for a guy's marriage proposal (is that what consitutes news? I guess if it makes cubs.com it must be). He also had dinner with Len Kasper the Friendly Ghost, and inexplicably brought along his wife to ask stupid questions.

So this Saturday was another Cubs outing for the Idiots. We were all out in full force, and it was another beautiful day. Angry Mike took cue from Desipio and brought along his wife, and the in-laws. They didn't seem to have such a good time. I think the kids were a little young to know what was going on. The previous game I had gone to I slept through tailgating and the first four innings because I was hungover and sick, so I decided I needed to step up for this game. I busted out some awesome "healthy" grilled jalapeno poppers wrapped in turkey bacon to start. The main course was Angry Mike's Portabello Burgers again. This time I would get to eat one. But wait! No buns.

Let me just say, Cub's fans are probably the greatest fans in the world. I immediately ventured around the tailgating, telling people my story of tasty burgers, but no buns. Within 3 stops I had acquired enough buns for everyone, plus an ice-cold High Life, and an offer to borrow some chairs. And I wasn't rejected by anyone.

After food, we played a couple games of washer-toss, or corn-hole as they call at Purdue. It looks like this.


Angry Mike and myself kicked ass and took names. It was a successful tailgate.

The game was fun as well. One of the most "enjoyable" things to do for us is to stand on the railing on the first base side and get "distracted" by all the cute Cubs fans walking around.


I love Arizona. After that, a couple margaritas and the must-have Old Style, and I was feeling good. I even watched some of the game this time. And the Cubs won! My personal highlight was sitting right behind the fence in left field. Before the 8th inning, Corey Eric Patterson jogged out and I yelled, "E to the P!" Eric turned around and gave us a fist, and I yelled back, "You're better than your brother, remember that!" I think he kinda smiled inside.

In other Cubs news...as reported earlier, the Cubs have a ton of injuries, and shouldn't be ready for the regular season. Wait...actually it looks like the Cubs are pretty healthy. McLovin is back, Pie untwisted his balls and is making a run for the CF spot, and even Soriano seems to be doing okay. And Dempster is actually pitching well? WTF? Who are these Cubs?

It seems that everyone still loves to hate Dusty. Yep, even these Idiots. It will be great to see how often we get to fluster the former manager who brought our dreams so close, and then crushed them with one foul swoop of his toothpick.

Anything else? How about you just read the other blogs. I recommend Desipio, Thunder Matt Saloon, Hire Jim Essian, or A League of Her Own. I would just rehash their blogs anyways. I'm SO unoriginal.

Saturday, the Idiots will be heading down south to Tucson to see the Cubs play the cross-town rival White Sox. Hire Jim Essian had a decent blog about Sox fans today. This will spring training spot #3 for this Idiot, and I better have fun, because a year ago Saturday, God was the Supreme Idiot and took away my sister.

Way to end on a bad note, rusty.
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New Post Coming - I Promise

The busy bee gets the honey, but doesn't post as often. Coming soon. In the meantime:


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Brett Favre, RIP

Brett Favre retired today. Personally, I (and I think the other Idiots agree) would have liked to see Favre stick around for another season, so we could send him off in style, like in a wooden box. Here are some highlights from his career, in picture form.

We gotta get Lazy Steve to a write a blog on this one, he LOVES the Favre-man!

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Get your shit together, you're the official site for christ sake

I pulled this off the Cubs website. Apparently I now live in Florida, because the Cubs are playing in the Grapefruit League.

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I told you months ago you dumbass

The Muskrat is reporting Fukudome may move to 2nd in the lineup. Well no shit. I said that months ago. As a matter of fact, any Cubs fan with 2 brain cells to rub together could have told you Fukudome wouldn't last in the 3 hole and he definitely doesn't have the power to bat 5th for us yet. 2nd in the lineup just makes sense.

Have a fantastic guys. Steve and I will be attending ANOTHER Cubs game today. Eat your fucking heart out!
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We Love Midgets

Well, my first round of Spring Training games are over. I made it to both the Saturday game in Tempe and the Sunday game in Mesa, although due to excessive drinking on Saturday, I had to sit out a couple innings Sunday and take a nap. Angry Mike was not happy, although he still managed to cook up some pretty tasty portobello burgers from what I hear. I also happened to catch the UFC fights Saturday night, but we won't get into that here.

Both games were great, besides the hangover Sunday. I love Arizona weather this time of year. Perfect for shorts and Cubs t-shirt or jersey. I feel bad for everyone still at home still braving out the cold and snow. I hear they ran out of salt for the roads, so none of the side streets are being plowed or salted, making everything a huge mess. Personally, I'm not tired of scraping the sunshine off my windshield each morning.

So we finally a bit of Cubs news. As Angry Mike reported, Marquis wants out if he doesn't get his starting position. Lou retaliated, but then apologized after a 10 minute meeting Sunday. I think the conversation went something a little like this:

Marquis: "Uncle Lou, if you don't make me a starter this year, I'm going to take my services elsewhere, and be appreciated for my pitching!"

Lou: "Hey kid, you suck. And your services aren't that good either. How about you make yourself useful and service me up a cocktail and then service Anita tonight. Think you can handle that?"

Marquis: "But Uncle!!! WHAAAHH! I try so hard. And Pa-Pa La Russa always told me it's not whether you win or lose, it's how you play the game."

Lou: "Hey kid, GFY! Do you not remember that last year I didn't even want you on our team in the playoffs? If you can't do shit for us there, what makes you think I want you around for this regular season? The only reason you're still here is because like the idiots over at collegeofidiots.com, we thought we would waste a shit load of cash on a has-been, injury-plagued, cry baby."

Marquis: "I'm sorry Uncle, I will try harder. Can you at least tell Zambrano to stop mushroom-stamping me in the locker room? He says if I don't get better, he's going to make me his new Barrett. I'm not even a catcher."

Lou: "Shut the fuck up kid. Now go run some laps."

Jim Hendry walks in the room: "He guys, is everything okay in here?"

Lou: "Shut the fuck up Jim, go back to your meatball sub."

In other note's the Cubs seem to be off to a grand start with their injuries this year. And this is a team WITHOUT Prior on it. (Btw, I'm sure the Prior-Barrett combo will lift the Pad's to contention later in the year. Hey Mark, maybe a Maddux golden shower can help out with a faster recovery). After an irregular heartbeat forced DeRosa into surgery, Soriano has been the latest to fall to the injury bug with a fractured finger. And did anyone happen to catch that Pie missed a couple of games with a twisted testicle? Coincidence? You decide. Maybe Soriano was taking que from Izturiz.

The Cubs should buy stock in the hit TLC show, Little People, Big World. Why you ask? Our midgets are hitting the shit out the ball this spring. I couldn't even fathom how many of them the Cubs actually have on the team, that is if you include our invitees. Saturday was a tough day to watch a game, because without the names of the players on their backs, and not following the AAA and AA teams at all, I was immediately referring to our players as Midget #1 - #10.

Let's start off with the French connection: The Riot and Font-e-not.

The Riot is hitting 4-9 with 3 runs scored. Listed height: 5-11. Actual height: 5-7.

Fontenot is hitting .500 with on OBP of 1.250. Listed height: 5-8. Actual height: 4-10.

Combined height: D-Lee's cock. Combined ability: equal...to D-Lee's cock.

Other midgets of note:

Andres Blanco. No, Andres is not Hank White's son. Listed as 5-10, this non-roster invitee is hitting a whopping .500 with 6 plate appearances.

Luis Figueroa. Batting .600 with 5 plate appearance. Listed also at 5-10.

In fact, our non-roster invitees are putting up a pretty good showing so far.

In fire-crotch news, my favorite player, and your's, Thunder Matt Saloon, Matt Murton is doing his best to stay on the team. Big Red is hitting .500 with 4 hits and 2 walks through 10 plate appearances. Although this could just up his worth, and make him more valuable in a Robert's deal, which is still in the works?

And finally, new Tribune company owner, Sam Zell, is serious about selling the naming rights of Wrigley Field.

Hey douche-bags:
1. It's only a name, I still call that meth-production lab down south, Comiskey Park, and guess what, you can still call it Wrigley Field. No one is going to be confused.

2. If the Cubs can get an extra $50 million to buy more players and hopefully win a fucking championship in less than 100 years, fuck yeah it's worth it.

3. Whether or not you think not going to the games, or boycotting whatever product will be showcasing the new name is going to make a difference, go do yourself a favor and move to the south side and become a Sox fan, because you are a moron.

Well, Steve and Mike will be hitting up the game tomorrow against the Brew Crew. Hope they have fun while I'm stuck again here at work writing blogs. Apparently rocket scientists don't do any actual work these days. That could explain why we have to shoot down billion-dollar satellites that never worked before they crash to earth and kill us all.

Go Cubs!

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No Spring Training News

I have got absolutely nothing people. Do you know what I did today? I cleaned my entire damn house with my wife. I mean seriously cleaned. We moved everything out and cleaned EVERYWHERE. Holy shit did it suck. It's over now though and my wife is extremely happy. So I set myself up nicely for tomorrow at Hohokam and for the Foo.

I just want to touch on a couple of things....

First, yes my fellow bloggers are fucking lazy. They really have no responsibilities on the weekend and still no posts. It's pretty lame but I will do my best to keep you entertained.

The Cubs got spanked in Tempe today. It sounds like Woody had a shitty first outing which blows. K Fuk didn't play so that obviously weighed on Woody's mind. We will give him a pass because, well, because he's not named Mark Prior.

Marquis is popping off already. You want to leave town if you are not a starter huh? Wow, you just earned yourself a one way ticket out of town. And THANK GOD! Lou was clearly pissed when he found out about Marquis' dumbass comment. How can you blame him? He gave this asshole every chance to continue his fluke strong start last season and he did nothing but hand the Cubs huge deficits to deal with down the stretch. We can't get this dick out of town soon enough.


Purdue rolled over Northwestern today. No surprise there. The Boilers are keeping pace with Indiana and Wisconsin going into the last week of the regular season which no one expected. 2 wins this upcoming week would give Purdue at least a tie for the regular season conference title and the 1 seed in the conference tournament. Today's win sets up a massive game this Tuesday at Ohio State. Let's hope these kids can keep this run going into the NCAA tournament.

Finally, Briggs resigned with the Bears today and Berrian ditched us for Minnesota. This news is really not shocking. After seeing what Hester can do as a WR last season there was really no way the Bears were going to throw $8 million a year at Berrian. Hester is going to be a free agent in a couple of seasons and you know the Bears think they have a newer and better Steve Smith. Let's hope Angelo is right on this. I am really happy to see Briggs returning though. I think he fits into the Bear's scheme well and is a huge asset in out division which lacks consistent deep threats. We have been pounding the Pack the last few seasons in most part because of our defense's ability to stuff the intermediate passing game that colossal assbag Brett Favre has used to dupe people into thinking he is one of the greatest QBs ever. I'm looking forward to Briggs and Urlacher having one more chance to end Brett Favre's career the "right" way.
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