College of Idiots: It's Not My Fault I'm an Alcoholic, I'm a Cubs Fan.

First off, the beginning of the Cubs regular season will NOT help my drinking problem at all. I'm already about a half pint of Smirnoff vodka down, and I'm sure I will finish it off by the time this blog is over. Please excuse the mistakes.

Second off, two of the Idiots, this one included, traveled up to Vegas this weekend to see the final couple games of spring training. Win one, lose one. But Lazy Steve is away on business, and took the photos from the game with him, so that will be for another post. The last cookie story just wouldn't be the same without a picture.

Third off, GO FUCK YOURSELF MLB.COM!!!! I've been listening to all the spring training games online, and yet when I go to listen to the Cubs opener on mlbradio.com what do I get? NADA! Okay, I use a Mac and updated my version of Safari today, which may have something to do with it. Tell me MLB.com, why are you always late updating your site so we all can listen to the games? Not all us graphic designers are panzy-tree-hugging hippies. I paid your fees, even though I should be able to listen to the game for free on WGN online. Come on, it's not like getting rid of the umps and having cameras call balls and strikes, so don't be afraid of the new technology. It won't hurt you. So instead of listening to the game like I had planned, I had to randomly check the action of Gameday...which is so yahtzee.

Yes D-Lee, I am the greatest thing to come to Chicago since your huge cock!

Someone please tell me, did Santo have a heart attack on air? Cause if I was watching that game live, I know I probably would have. Or at least have an acute case of alcohol poisoning. Speaking of which, I need another shot to heal this pain.

Okay...mmm...vodka. I feel a little better.

So what I gathered from my cool interactive screen with it's cheesy pitcher and strike zone "showing" me the game is that Big Z pitched lights out, K-Fuk was perfect, and yet no one else on the team seemed to get the memo that the regular season is here. I mean it's pretty obvious. What, did no one notice that you are playing in the almost freezing rain of the Midwest instead of the sunny 85 degree weather of the Valley of the Sun? Still, the Cubs managed to prove that they are the Cubs...we have a good starting pitcher that pitched really well, one player hit everything like it was Tyson with a whore, and then our closers come in to fuck it all up.

Deep breaths...deep breaths...it's going to be okay. Have another shot. It kills the pain.

It's only the first game. We're only 1 game back. We will turn it around and take the final two games of the series. I mean this is our year...right? Vegas odds on the Cubs winning it all are 7-2. That means the $20 I laid on the Cubs at the MGM sportsbook will pay out only $70. That's really bad odds, which means all the experts think this is the year for the Cubbies.

Let's look at the game, or rather in my case, read it live on Gameday.

Big Z posts his greatest effort to win his Opening Day game. He is our new COI Hero of the Moment. Wait this just in...some guy from Japan went 3-3, and hit the game-tying dinger in the bottom half of the ninth inning to tie the game up after someone gave up 3 runs in the top half. He is our...

Official COI Hero of the Moment

Wrigley Field turned into the Fuku-Dome after Kosuke's blast in the ninth. Welcome Fukudome!

K-Fuk was nothing but brilliant at the plate (Really, Jay? Bartman? Get over it.) At this rate he will hit 1.000 with 162 home runs and 486 ribbies. Way to set the bar Kosuke! Welcome to the Cubs, in true fashion. You pretty much can't do any better than that, and still your team performs like shit. Besides your pitcher, who along with Marmot were flinging strikes like they were the new beenie baby's at McDonald's (really, I must be drunk for that metaphor?)

Speaking of which...shot time.

Zambrano left the game with cramping. DRINK SOME GOD-DAMN WATER!!! It's called agua in your country, and unlike Venezuela, you can actually drink the water here. Really, should I be bitching? You did pitch 6-2/3 no-run innings. But are we already going to have to start worrying about Zambrano crapping up all the time...again? It's only 60 degrees, or so I read. It's no 95 degrees with 100% humidity, you should not be cramping up.

So then came in Kid-K. He was awesome on Sunday, as we saw him close out the final three outs of spring training with only one small hiccup. I was almost ready to give Kerry my first born child. Finally a closer that won't step up and lose the game for us. Well Wood, welcome to your new job as the Cubs closer. Same story, different names. You sir, are our....

Official COI Idiot of the Moment

Hey, it's not Sosa's radio at least.

What the hell happened out there? 3 runs? Fuck, has Dumpster given up on trying to be starter yet? Does he want his old job back?

Okay, 10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1. It's only one game. Woody won't be that bad for every game. I have confidence. I am special. People like me. It's going to be okay. Have another shot, that will help.

And just as Zambrano was soooo close to being our Hero, Howry is only a cunt hair away from being the Idiot. We did get back in the game, remember? The hero? That Japanese guy. So at least we have proven that not only does our closer suck, but so does our backup closer. Is it time yet to move the Marmot into the role? My roommate said he was filthy, which is pretty much what everyone has been saying for past year.

So 0-1. Did I really expect the Cubs to win? No. Did I expect Wood to fall apart so soon after a good spring training and last outing? No. Was I wondering where Matt Murton was to come off the bench and hit the walk-off home run? Yes.

Do I like to ask myself questions and then answer them when I am drunk...

Hopefully I can listen to the game on Wednesday. And if there is one thing I remember from being a Cub fan it's that at least they can't lose on the off-days. Just remember like in "What About Bob", it's all about the baby steps.

If only I could be as stiff and hard for Mrs. Banks.

And congrats Mr. Cub!

Well, looks like I'm out of vodka and still depressed, even ending on a good note. I guess I will need something else to pick me up.