Really!?!
When I came into work today, I followed my regular routine. Since I sit in front of computer all day, when I'm not at work, I don't touch anything with keys except my phone. So this morning I checked my emails for the weekend and then launched my Google Reader. Reader is the greatest discovery I've had on the internet since
tube8.com. I like to keep up with the blogs, and with over 75 Cubs blogs, it's a seemingly impossible task without Reader.
With the eventful weekend: the Cubs/Sox series, the Lou/Milty soap opera, some
Idiot at a real newspaper calling for the release of Big Z, I figured the blogs would be full posts discussing these topics.
NOPE!What I did find was every Cubs fan and their mother freaking out about the trade of Mark DeRosa to the Cardinals.
Oh My Fucking God! Hell has fucking frozen over. What was a side-note to yesterday's debacle against the Sox, one that Lazy Steve and I discussed for maybe...oh, 2 seconds is the biggest news to hit the Cublogoverse since, well, I don't know.
BECAUSE IT"S THAT FUCKING BIG!Exhibit A:
Caution! R-Rated Post!!! from One Minute Cubs by MGbFuck you Jim Hendry. Fuck you, fuck your mother, and fuck your dog. Bounce balls off your fucking chin, you worthless piece of cock sucking dog shit. This is the pretty little bow on your dismal clusterfucking failure of an offseason.
That's right. Mark DeRosa is now sleeping with the enemy, and more importantly, the Cardinals are about to bend you over a fucking rail and make you their bitches.
Wow! Even we don't use that bad of language at COI. You see MGb is pissed because he now has to paint his Mark DeRosa dildo Cardinal red. He was okay with gray and blue of the Indians, but the thought of the Mark DeRosa's little head going in and out of his asshole and seeing a little Cardinal's jersey on the shaft sticking out of his ass is just too much for him to handle.
Exhibit B:
The Worst Trade since Brock for Broglio from GoatRiders of the Apocalypse - by Jason * Fact: the Cubs are BELOW .500 this year and last year they were ABOVE .500.
* Fact: In yesterday's game, Marmol's eye's wandered to the Cubs dugout in search of his scruffy leader. But there was no DeRosa. Marmol proceeded to cough up the lead.
* Fact: Bradley did not catch the double that lead to the winning run scoring. GEE, I wonder if it would have helped to have DeRosa in right field.
The thing is, GRA is actually a really well written and respectable blog. For the other authors of the site to let Jason actually post this garbage is amazing. Wait, this just in, Jason is Phil Roger's pseudonym at GRA. Well that makes more sense, because nothing about his post does. Let me explain Jason's argument (and 95% of Cub fans), in classic Homer Simpson logic, proving that rocks keep tigers away:
Lisa: “By your logic, I could claim that this rock keeps tigers away.”
Homer: “Hmm; how does it work?”
Lisa: “It doesn’t work; it’s just a stupid rock!”
Homer: “Uh-huh.”
Lisa: “… but I don’t see any tigers around, do you?”
Homer, after a moment’s thought: “Lisa, I want to buy your rock…”
Fortunately, there are some voices of reason.
Rob G. over at The Cub Reporter makes the most convincing and realistic argument about the DeRosa trade. Through intelligence and actual research (unlike COI posts) Rob theorizes that keeping DeRosa this year would net 2-4 more wins over the entire season. So having DeRosa would be like not putting in Marmol with a one run lead 2-4 times over the year.
I agree with most Cub fans, including Rob G., that keeping DeRosa would have helped this team this year. But no one would have predicted the amount, or lack thereof, of hitting this team would have this year. Sure, when you put up DeRosa's numbers to the rest of the Cubs, he would be our 2nd - 3rd best offensive threat. And apparently that's what he is at St. Louis as well, with La Russa putting DeRo in the cleanup spot on Sunday. Of course he also bats his pitcher in the 8 hole, so whatever.
But if you took the day off of work because you are still in mourning, or have given up on this team because you think the Cardinals are now going to fuck us all in the ass, I would like to remind you of a little guy by the name of
Elias Coblentz. You might not remember Elias, but last year when Jim Edmonds was traded to the Cubs, Elias did what most of you assholes are doing, and was flipping out. You can't view the video anymore, because Elias got too much f(l)ame from Cub fans. Luckily,
Andy over at Desipio was smart enough to transcribe the video. I suggest you read it and pretend it's you in that chair talking about how bad of a decision the DeRosa trade was.
Now go and look at yourself in the mirror, reach down with your left hand in between your legs and grab those dingleberries you used to call your balls. Are they still there? If so, then throw out that tampon that's stuck up your ass and GET THE FUCK OVER IT! If not, well, I hear
A League of Her Own is looking for some new bloggers to write about Cub's players asses and abs.
Go Cubs!
Hey Walter, go get Dumpster a toe. He prefers Cubbie Blue nail polish though.
Ted Lilly, Champion of America 
Proposed bronze statue of Sam Zell to be placed outside of Wrigley Field. 
Levitra...get it? Cause the Cubs offense is limp. 
DeRosa is not really a baseball player, he just plays one on tv. 
