Obviously You're Not a Golfer.

Hey Walter, go get Dumpster a toe. He prefers Cubbie Blue nail polish though.

So Dumpster and now Sir Smokes A Lot? I can't blame the cursed Cubs calendar for these injuries. I don't believe in God, but if I did, I would say he is one cruel SOB. Just as we get E-Ram, White Slice and Angel back we lose two more, and both from freak accidents.

Ted Lilly, Champion of America

Just as the Cubs start to turn it around, they fall back down. Last year we had 8 All Stars. EIGHT! This year we barely get in Ted Lilly. Congrats to Ted, but if it wasn't for the every team has to have one player rule, we would have zero. And the thing is, we still have all the All Stars from last year on this team this year minus one. And Kerry was a pitcher. Pitching hasn't been the problem this year, at least starting pitching. Add in the addition of another All Star from last year in Bradley, and we basically have the same team as last year, but with more batting. At least that's the way it was supposed to be. I don't blame Hendry, no one saw this coming.

Proposed bronze statue of Sam Zell to be placed outside of Wrigley Field.

The Cubs sale is seriously never going to end. Just as ESPN reports that the deal is done, we hear that Zell is bringing Utay back into the fold. Mother-fucking-cock-sucker!

Levitra...get it? Cause the Cubs offense is limp.

Bad Kermit is writing about how Cubs fans would rather continue losing instead of change the name of Wrigley Field. For once I agree with him. At the moment of writing this, 30% of fans wouldn't change the name. And WE'RE the College of Idiots!?!

DeRosa is not really a baseball player, he just plays one on tv.

Sorry Cub female fans, DeRosa will not be playing when the Cards come to town this weekend. I know Hitler is pissed as well.


Hey kids (and adults alike!) now you can follow us on Twitter. Why? Because we bow down to every internet fad there is, that's why ...facebook.

Now send in that keyboard playing cat. Yes I know this this youtube shit is old and redundant, but until the Cubs start winning again, instead of "Go Cubs Go", you get Keyboard Cat. Deal with it...



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STFU!

The Riot: Still Dippin'

Shut The Fuck Up!

I give you 5 recent reasons the Cubs will still make it to the playoffs this year:

Neal "Fucking" Cotts to get Sandy Vagina Surgery
Apparently the sand was too much and had moved up to his arm, thus causing Cottsy to suck ass. The surgeons will go in through the elbow and try to clean out all the sand, but the surgery will end Cotts' season. Darn!

Cubs acquire Jeff Baker for the largest city in New Mexico
Alberto Albuquerque was sent to Colorado in exchange for Baker, who we will now refer to as McDreamy #2 because A)He isn't a midget, like the rest of the Cubs middle infield and B)He can play the outfield as well and C)He is pretty dreamy, don't you think? (huh?)

Freel released into the wild, Farney can stay
Farney will now move into Aaron Miles head, well, because Miles is already Ojo the Unlucky, a munchkin from the Emerald City of Oz. In related news, Miles will immediately be placed on the DL after returning because he sucks ass and Cottsy needs someone to feed him Fruit Loops while he's recovering in hospital after getting all the sand out of his vagina.

Ramirez will return tonight, oh wait, that's the other Ramirez
Is it just me, or is it a coincidence that both Ramirez's stopped playing baseball and will return to baseball at basically the same time. Isn't that ironic, don't you think?

Beer is still cold, sun will still rise in the East, Cubs will still play baseball
Don't give up yet, there is still half a season left and no one is running away with this division. The Cubs could still be anywhere from first to last place before the All Star Break. If any team wins this division with more than 10 games over .500 I will let Lazy Steve kick me in the nuts...that is if he ever decides he wants to be part of this blog again.

Go Cubs!

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Hitler Finds Out Mark DeRosa Is Traded To The Cardinals



A very special thanks to Bad Kermit at HJE, who without his genius I would have no ideas to steal and claim as my own.

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COI Video of the Moment: Cubs Fans React to the Mark DeRosa Trade To St. Loius

Please click on the image for the video, YouTube are bastards!

Really!?!

When I came into work today, I followed my regular routine. Since I sit in front of computer all day, when I'm not at work, I don't touch anything with keys except my phone. So this morning I checked my emails for the weekend and then launched my Google Reader. Reader is the greatest discovery I've had on the internet since tube8.com. I like to keep up with the blogs, and with over 75 Cubs blogs, it's a seemingly impossible task without Reader.

With the eventful weekend: the Cubs/Sox series, the Lou/Milty soap opera, some Idiot at a real newspaper calling for the release of Big Z, I figured the blogs would be full posts discussing these topics.

NOPE!

What I did find was every Cubs fan and their mother freaking out about the trade of Mark DeRosa to the Cardinals. Oh My Fucking God! Hell has fucking frozen over. What was a side-note to yesterday's debacle against the Sox, one that Lazy Steve and I discussed for maybe...oh, 2 seconds is the biggest news to hit the Cublogoverse since, well, I don't know. BECAUSE IT"S THAT FUCKING BIG!

Exhibit A: Caution! R-Rated Post!!! from One Minute Cubs by MGb

Fuck you Jim Hendry. Fuck you, fuck your mother, and fuck your dog. Bounce balls off your fucking chin, you worthless piece of cock sucking dog shit. This is the pretty little bow on your dismal clusterfucking failure of an offseason.

That's right. Mark DeRosa is now sleeping with the enemy, and more importantly, the Cardinals are about to bend you over a fucking rail and make you their bitches.
Wow! Even we don't use that bad of language at COI. You see MGb is pissed because he now has to paint his Mark DeRosa dildo Cardinal red. He was okay with gray and blue of the Indians, but the thought of the Mark DeRosa's little head going in and out of his asshole and seeing a little Cardinal's jersey on the shaft sticking out of his ass is just too much for him to handle.

Exhibit B: The Worst Trade since Brock for Broglio from GoatRiders of the Apocalypse - by Jason

* Fact: the Cubs are BELOW .500 this year and last year they were ABOVE .500.
* Fact: In yesterday's game, Marmol's eye's wandered to the Cubs dugout in search of his scruffy leader. But there was no DeRosa. Marmol proceeded to cough up the lead.
* Fact: Bradley did not catch the double that lead to the winning run scoring. GEE, I wonder if it would have helped to have DeRosa in right field.
The thing is, GRA is actually a really well written and respectable blog. For the other authors of the site to let Jason actually post this garbage is amazing. Wait, this just in, Jason is Phil Roger's pseudonym at GRA. Well that makes more sense, because nothing about his post does. Let me explain Jason's argument (and 95% of Cub fans), in classic Homer Simpson logic, proving that rocks keep tigers away:

Lisa: “By your logic, I could claim that this rock keeps tigers away.”
Homer: “Hmm; how does it work?”
Lisa: “It doesn’t work; it’s just a stupid rock!”
Homer: “Uh-huh.”
Lisa: “… but I don’t see any tigers around, do you?”
Homer, after a moment’s thought: “Lisa, I want to buy your rock…”

Fortunately, there are some voices of reason. Rob G. over at The Cub Reporter makes the most convincing and realistic argument about the DeRosa trade. Through intelligence and actual research (unlike COI posts) Rob theorizes that keeping DeRosa this year would net 2-4 more wins over the entire season. So having DeRosa would be like not putting in Marmol with a one run lead 2-4 times over the year.

I agree with most Cub fans, including Rob G., that keeping DeRosa would have helped this team this year. But no one would have predicted the amount, or lack thereof, of hitting this team would have this year. Sure, when you put up DeRosa's numbers to the rest of the Cubs, he would be our 2nd - 3rd best offensive threat. And apparently that's what he is at St. Louis as well, with La Russa putting DeRo in the cleanup spot on Sunday. Of course he also bats his pitcher in the 8 hole, so whatever.

But if you took the day off of work because you are still in mourning, or have given up on this team because you think the Cardinals are now going to fuck us all in the ass, I would like to remind you of a little guy by the name of Elias Coblentz. You might not remember Elias, but last year when Jim Edmonds was traded to the Cubs, Elias did what most of you assholes are doing, and was flipping out. You can't view the video anymore, because Elias got too much f(l)ame from Cub fans. Luckily, Andy over at Desipio was smart enough to transcribe the video. I suggest you read it and pretend it's you in that chair talking about how bad of a decision the DeRosa trade was.

Now go and look at yourself in the mirror, reach down with your left hand in between your legs and grab those dingleberries you used to call your balls. Are they still there? If so, then throw out that tampon that's stuck up your ass and GET THE FUCK OVER IT! If not, well, I hear A League of Her Own is looking for some new bloggers to write about Cub's players asses and abs.


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That's It Calendar, Take Off Your Jersey And Go Home!

If you have this calendar at home, I urge you to burn it!

I've had enough. I have discussed my cursed Cubs calendar before on a couple occasions. Either the player of the month has been traded or has been injured for that month. Last month was Zambrano, who went on the DL during May. This month it's Soriano.

"But Ginger, Soriano isn't injured?"

No, but he might as well be. Sure the calendar was all fun and games when it traded away Rich Hill (Mr. March) and Felix Pie (Mr. November). So what? But then Mark DeRosa (Mr. January) was traded. Now it was stepping on some toes. But when it took out Aramis in April and then Z last month it was crossing the line.

Like a good manager, though, I gave it one more chance. Well calendar, take off your jersey and go home. This month Soriano has hit .187 BA with a .260 OBP. It's the worst stretch of his career. And I'm blaming you calendar!

So I did what any good GM would do. The calendar has been traded. Today I ordered a new 2009 Cubs calendar (along with a hat and a book) and the old, cursed one will be sacrificially burned to rid the Cubs of any more bad ju-ju. Don't worry Ted Lilly (Mr. July) the calendar won't be able to hurt you now.

Yes Steve, you were right, I was wrong. You are smart, I am stupid. You are attractive, I'm not very good looking. Blah, blah, blah.

Go Cubs!

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